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Catcalling, Culture, Dating, Men, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Personal, Relationships, Sex, Social Media, Society, Street Harassment, Thoughts, Women
If you asked me this question a year ago, I would explain what I consider appropriate while approaching women. However, with the recent collection of news stories, blogs and vlogs from some women, I think it is now improbable to determine the most suitable approach.
This may get long, so I ask for a few minutes of your time. You can always read some now, and come back later. I only ask that you do one thing—remove the emotional connection you have with the topic of street harassment.
I know this is difficult, but holding firm to these emotions will impede you from reading the following, without applying your feelings on the subject. I understand that I am asking for a lot, so I greatly appreciate your effort.
Street harassment and catcalling are hot-button issues currently. In other words, the discussion seems to be everywhere. With topics such as this one, everyone seems to have an agenda today.
Some have good intentions and others, well, not so much. I enjoy watching social experiments, but only if they make sense.
If you are forcing an agenda with faulty data, I will immediately reject the propaganda, and point out the hypocrisy and bias.
I came across a video that involves a woman walking for ten hours, where she experienced what she considers harassment.
I am not saying it is or is not harassment, because as mentioned in my initial post involving catcalling, harassment to one individual, comes across as complimentary to another.
Nonetheless, I often find myself reading the comments, in order to understand what others think. Two comments stuck out to me, which I will use for this post.
Woman X: Many here have said it is harassment to merely say “Hi” to a woman on the street. If a guy that she thinks is cute says “Hi,” and she decides to stop and talk, is it still harassment?
Woman Y: It doesn’t matter if you think a woman is cute. She owes you nothing, and honestly, unless she is actually just sitting somewhere doing nothing (not walking somewhere, not on her phone, not reading, etc.), you’re better off leaving her alone.
Since woman-Y failed to address her question, which people often do when presented with a reasonable question on hot-button issues, I decided to express my opinion to woman-Y.
One Gentleman: Not to impose on the dialogue here, but I have a question with this logic.
By this logic, no one and I mean no one, would be in a relationship. The idea that a man cannot approach a woman on the street, specifically based on what you mentioned in the quote above, seems misleading, unrealistic and faulty at best.
I do not think people are reacting, because the woman in the video owes men anything. I am not even sure where this concept of owe came from. Nonetheless, we like to throw words around like confetti and sadly, we begin to erode the meaning.
When a guy asks a woman out for coffee, she then goes online and tweets that she was raped.
When males look at women, because their cleavage is obviously highlighting their breasts, he is called a pervert and is objectifying. We have to be mindful how we use words, because words have meaning for a reason.
To throw them around will undermine the definition. We are making males, and I mean all males, feel anything they do is considered misogyny, sexist and evil. This is a slippery slope.
You then have female bloggers writing posts, saying men are no longer men, because they no longer approach women and initiate conversation. Hypocrisy is what comes to mind.
Harassment is the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party or a group, including threats and demands.
By this definition, harassment is purely subjective. It comes down to the individual. Do you remember when I asked earlier, to remove your emotional connection with street harassment? Is it still stored away? Once again, I understand it can be difficult, so thank you.
What Kathy considers harassment from Anthony, Beth considers empowering and inviting. What Ben considers over-the-top aggression from Susan, Bob considers sexy. The keyword I want you to focus on, with the legal definition of harassment is annoying.
Annoying is to disturb or bother (a person) in a way that displeases, troubles, or slightly irritates. Once again, this is subjective. Greg becomes irritated whenever Susan leaves the television on at night.
However, Susan does not experience irritation of any kind, when Greg accidentally falls asleep with the television on.
In the video, she does not address any of her harassers. Not once did she turn and say:
1Actually, comments like Hi baby, sweetie, sexy or anything of the sort from strangers, really annoys me. You have no idea who I am, so those references are out of left field and I find them inappropriate.
2I am not sure why you think calling a stranger beautiful, should be the first words to initiate a conversation. Others may like it, but I find it off-putting. The words are empty; because it is obvious, you are approaching me based on physical reasons.
3I am not interested in conversing with anyone. I would appreciate if we ended this conversation right now.
One Gentleman's Perspective 
Your post is an interesting perspective. I don’ think its realistic for a woman to walk around all day and have to tell every man that says something that his comments make her uncomfortable or to have to point out that she deems it harassment. Normal, social unspoken rules are usually quite clear- just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it and in general the street is not a place for that type of socialising. Otherwise we would be hearing a constant litany of comments about ourselves everywhere we go by everyone around us. In regards to meeting a woman, there are places where this is socially acceptable such as a club or bar where if a woman is there, she is obviously expecting one or various men to approach her and is fine with that. Whether you are a woman who is fine with it or not, there is a time, a place and a reason for this type of interaction, a woman on her way somewhere who is obviously concentrating on getting there is not the one.
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Thanks for sharing a response, and your time. When I created this post, it was not to tell a woman specifically, that she must engage with each guy she encounters on the street. If she so desires, she can. However, I did not advice that.
I don’t think it is realistic that a woman should make a video, with the intent of looking for something, getting it and then using it to push an agenda online. I don’t think it is realistic to set out on a social experiment, where the foundation is of a subjective nature, remove all forms of communication from those they encounter, upload a video and then say these men harassed her.
That is akin to me setting out to prove that there is an epidemic of people who consume meat, in the presence of vegans, with no concern for their feelings on the consumption of animal products.
In this video, I walk through my city and pass by people consuming an animal-based product. The premise is that they should be fully aware the sight of animal consumption is offensive, to the person next to them, who may happen to be a vegan.
After 10 hours, I acknowledged witnessing 300 individuals consuming an animal-based product, in the presence of someone not eating meat. Therefore, meat-eaters have no concern for vegans, and people advocating for less consumption of animal products.
I am not saying this is on par with street harassment, which women can encounter. I know it can get really brutal. Instead, I am addressing the faulty premise throughout the video, and my experiment.
What one person considers the norm, is abnormal to the other. It is normal for me to watch movies on our surround sound system at home, as if I am at the movie theater. My wife on the other hand does not. She thinks it’s over-the-top, so I take into consideration her point of view, which she expressed. I then turn it down.
Each of my female friends, detest guys approaching them in the club while out with friends. My wife says when she was single, her and all her friends hated when guys approached them in clubs. These things are subjective. What is normal for one, is not to someone else.
If men embraced this idea that they should not engage women on the street, and I say engage, not catcall, quite a bit of relationships would not exist. It is unrealistic to say a man should never approach a woman on the street, but only in places like bars or clubs.
When I observe these topics, I try to remove my feelings and approach from a critical thinking angle. When you observe the video that way, several things do not add up.
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I was rather impressed that she had to spend 10 hours in a busy urban area just to collect 4 minutes of so called harassment! It’s a bit funny, but there is something encouraging about that. Where else in the world can a woman wander around alone for ten hours purposely looking for trouble, and the worse she has to deal with is a few catcalls?
It is also a bit sad that our biggest fear pop culture fear right now is having to interact with the other humans. I realize some of them are crude and rude and socially unacceptable, but they are still just people trying to make a connection with us. These women don’t understand, but it’s not harassment that really hurts people, but rather feeling invisible. We’re social creatures and when you talk to the homeless or the elderly or the disabled, it’s those feelings of invisibility that are the most painful for them.
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Thanks for reading this long post. I appreciate you taking the time to do so. You grasped exactly where I was coming from, which you seem to do often. My wife says this also. Lol. “She always seems to understand where you are coming from.” She has not read any of the comments for this post yet, so I’ll see what she thinks later when I return home.
In no way was I undermining issues women face in public from males. Instead, I expressed how she set out on a faulty experiment, uploaded and said “these men harassed me, see, I told you.”
It was done poorly, in my opinion. That is my only gripe. Street harassment is real. I cannot deny this. However, this video was incredibly faulty. My wife watched it and reacted similar to how I did.
The guys walking by her for minutes–creepy as heck. The comments from other guys were a mixture of “good morning” to comments that a gent would never say. Walking by a woman and saying, “Damn” so loudly. Really? That’s just lame.
“It is also a bit sad that our biggest fear pop culture fear right now is having to interact with the other humans.”
You get it. You get it perfectly.
“These women don’t understand, but it’s not harassment that really hurts people, but rather feeling invisible.”
Once again, you get it. You and Christina Sommers would make a great team. I genuinely enjoy listening to women analyze a situation in the manner you both do.
Reverse things a bit–there are women whom never receive a glance/encounter with men. They would give anything to be in her shoes. This is why I continue bringing up subjective.
She’s going to reach an age where she will wish for days, where she was receiving “unwanted attention.” That was a comment from an older female, which I read yesterday. Basically, she referenced missing the days guys looked at her this way. Subjective.
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I have a question…what is the inspiration behind your writing?
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That’s a good question. Lol. My wife felt I had something to say, because when I “try” to dissect topics, I do so by removing my feelings (unless I infuse my feelings on the matter). I try to explain in a manner where I am on the outside looking in. In other words, I dissect the topic on an objective manner. I see feelings are taking over critical thinking, and that is no good. Feelings are fine, but they should not lead a discussion. This is how you cloud whatever you are trying to convey.
That is when it involves “hot-button” issues. When it involves topics that can influence young boys, girls and even those much older, I am giving my perspective. The purpose is to provide an angle they may not have analyzed before. I learn from everyone and everything. I believe when you know something, you should share it. Information is important, but only when you can share it to help others.
All the info in the world means nothing, if you do not share it. My way of thinking is not “right” or “wrong.” However, my wife believes the perspective has a purpose, besides remaining in my head. Lol. Whether that involves relationships, becoming a gentleman, finance, clothing, etc.
She likes our discussions on everything, and felt I should expand these discussions. This blog was her idea. All of it. I owe her for pushing me to write.
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That’s a good wife…Keep her and treat her well!
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You state is clearly that words have power, and I completely agree. Words like “rape” and “harassment” incendiary terms; used excessively in an inappropriate context waters them down significantly, to the point where actual rape and actual harassment can be missed or dismissed too easily or lightly. “Bullying” is another term thrown about far too often. Anymore, having a difference of opinion in the work place may be escalated into an HR issue of bullying, harassment, hostile environments. It’s insane.
I am all in favor of not being annoyed or bothered by a stranger when I am minding my own business. In the areas where I live, work, shop, and hang out, exchanging pleasantries with passing strangers of both genders is considered normal, friendly behavior. It is very sad that this clip brands it harassment.
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First, I want to thank you for taking the time to read such a long post. I am grateful for the time you guys took out of your day. Thank you for understanding where I was going with the post as well. I did not say a woman should talk to every man she encounters on the street, to detail her definition of harassment or annoying. I did not say a woman cannot remain silent as she walks about her day. I expressed her method of this social experiment was faulty, misleading and created with an agenda.
The entire premise of her video was faulty.
“Words like “rape” and “harassment” incendiary terms; used excessively in an inappropriate context waters them down significantly, to the point where actual rape and actual harassment can be missed or dismissed too easily or lightly. “Bullying” is another term thrown about far too often.”
This concept is the idea behind my post. Words are incredibly important, and the way we use them. Sadly, many simply think their feelings outweigh critical thinking. Lol.
“Anymore, having a difference of opinion in the work place may be escalated into an HR issue of bullying, harassment, hostile environments.”
You are correct again. Something and nothing, are now the same. I blame once again, the misuse of words and their actual definitions. Thanks for understanding the message in the post.
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