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Advice, Bigotry, Couples, Culture, Dating, Interracial, Marriage, OneGentlemansPerspective, Personal, Race, Relationships, Sex, Social Media, Stereotypes
According to the United Nations Commission on Human Rights, there were 100 million people classified as homeless. That figure was in 2005, with males comprising the majority. About 1.8 individuals day per second, 106.6 every minute, nearly 6400 each hour, roughly 153K per day, nearly 4.7M each month and 56M within a 12-month span. Ouch.
The annual budget deficit for 2013/2014 in the UK was £105Bn, or $165B in US currency. For fiscal year 2015 in the US, the estimated budget deficit is $564 billion.
As you can see, this world has a number of issues. However, for some individuals, the racial identity of my wife is far more pressing.
I hear this question so often, I wonder if the world has truly come as far as we would like to believe, when the discussion involves race relations.
However, the topic does not make me upset…not-at-all. Instead, I usually have a perplexing look when the question comes from an antagonistic perspective.
It is one thing to say…
Wow, so your wife is (Blank), how did that introduction occur?
It is another to say…
(Makes a horrible facial expression of disdain) So, why do you hate Black women?
My brother wants me to address a few things regarding internal and external relations regarding race, and one of the first areas that I want to explore is my interracial relationship. I am sure this will carry over into multiple posts, so I hope you will accompany me on this ride.
Before I dive in, if you are someone with bigoted views towards interracial relationships, Black people, White people, Asians, etc…you are free to continue reading. You can criticize me as you so choose.
However, if you for a second think you can make negative comments based solely on race (LoL), oh goodness…I have a way of engaging with people without using any profanity or shouting loudly.
I actually take pleasure, in conversing with people who think little of others and me. I see it as a mental exercise of sorts.
Concisely, if you are coming to insult, please do so critically. However, if you write silly things composed entirely of your feelings, I will not engage.
But I digress.
What are some of the main questions or statements they bring up, when it involves my relationship’s interracial status?
1Why could you not find a Black woman?
2Are you with her because you cannot handle a strong Black woman?
3Isn’t your mother Black? Are you not ashamed of yourself?
4Weak Black men like you, want a woman they can walk all over.
5You f***ing sellout
6What’s wrong with Black women?
7Do you even find Black women attractive?
There are a number of others of course, but these will do.
With each of these questions and statements, do you know what the common denominator is?
Feelings.
Whenever strangers bring up these topics regarding my relationship, their reaction comes entirely from an emotional realm. Quite fine of course, but race is what I consider a serious topic.
Having your feelings present in the conversation is completely fine. However, you should not allow the feelings to lead the conversation, because as you can see, it clouds your judgment.
I will address each point accordingly, and hopefully, if the types of people who bring up these topics are reading this post, it will give them a different perspective.
Why could you not find a Black woman?
Here is the thing, you are meeting me for the first time, and therefore, you know absolutely nothing about my dating history. How did you conclude that because of my wife, I did not find a Black woman in the past? Remember, this is your first encounter with me.
The fact that you connected her being my wife, with me not finding a Black woman is utterly illogical. One does not mean the other. In other words, this is not X + Y =.
Regardless of the stereotypes, which you have about Black males and non-Black women—it has not-a-thing-to-do-with-me.
Are you with her because you cannot handle a strong Black woman?
This question is one of my favorites, because it never made sense to me. What is a strong Black woman? Is she able to leg-press 700lbs? Can she push a bus with only her body weight? Instead, what I think you mean is mental fortitude.
In other words, a woman with the will to persevere in the face of challenges. Are you saying only Black women are capable?
My wife is somehow mentally weak, because she is not Black. Do you think when she encounters challenges; she simply folds under pressure because she is not a Black woman?
You see, from the women that I encounter, they are not referring to mental fortitude, because there is no way you can make me believe that a woman must be Black, to possess perseverance. This is once again illogical.
Isn’t your mother Black? Are you not ashamed of yourself?
Sigh. Why should the racial makeup of my mother, relate to the racial makeup of the woman I have sex with? Do you see how disgusting the question sounds, when you look at it from that angle?
By your logic, Black males are supposed to have romantic relationships, with women sharing a similar racial identity with their mothers. Okay, let us go to class for a second.
One Gentleman's Perspective 
Good post. LOL, it’s hard enough dealing with people’s perceptions about gender, let alone race! I’m laughing here simply because when I got married there were a few people who thought I was a sell out too. I married a man, not a feminist, wrong politics, wrong everything, socially unacceptable. He’s quite charming after all these years, but I do remember some of the criticism I received.
One good thing about mixed marriages is they tend to produce some really good looking children. Nature just loves some diversity in the dna and responds accordingly. LOL, I don’t particularly like our President, but there you go, mixed child, leader of the free world. Mixed marriages often produce some attractive and talented people.
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Thanks. It is truly funny how this works. They believe they have the freedom to do as they choose, but suddenly, when it comes to your decisions to do as you so choose, suddenly that sense of freedom should not exist. HaHa. I could image the level of disdain you received, because Erin Pizzey had to relocate due to the threats received, after she championed to validate that women are not the only ones experiencing domestic abuse.
Some consider mixed children an abomination, due to the passage Deuteronomy 7:1-6. I’ve heard it time and time again. Lol. This is why I say words are important, and reading to understand versus reading to impose a belief are vastly different.
Everyone is asking us to have children already. Lol. Her family, mine, our friends, etc.
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I really am sorry, that’s a terrible misappropriation of scripture. May it rain frogs on them. 😉
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Reblogged this on Human Interest.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I am grateful for you doing so, and also the gesture of reblogging. Thanks
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You’re very welcome. Keep the posts coming 🙂
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Excellent, post. So glad I ran into your blog! 🙂
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Thanks much. I humbly accept the positive vibes. Lol. I am rather grateful for such a response.
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Good one.
Allow me to share this one with you:
https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2013/11/01/black-is-also-beautiful/
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Thank you for reading the post. I will check out the link. Thanks
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Another great post, brings back some interesting memories.
My mother was Chinese and endured significant bullying from her family for marrying my father, who is half caucasian, half native Hawaiian. To my mom’s family, though, he was simply not Chinese. Only one of her sisters was at her wedding; her parents and the rest of her family disowned her and did not attend. The cold shoulder lasted until my sister was born, at which time my parents were begrudgingly reaccepted.
I would have thought my mother would have been far more open minded. However, In college I began a potentially romantic friendship with a black male. The first time my mom realized I might actually be dating him (dating seems a stretch, we were close friends who spent time together), she sat me down and had this “I’m not racist but ….” conversation. It was surprising to me, considering her experience with my dad. I brought it up at the time, but she waved it away as “different” than what she went through. We continued to hang out a lot until he eventually met the woman who would become his wife and our casual, public, semi-dating ceased, it had nothing to do with race, although it again surprised me how many people just assumed we could not make it work because of our skin color and the culture we live in. No, we could not make it work because we were not strongly interested in romancing each other. The stereotypes and assumptions about him and about me when we were out and about were upsetting and uncomfortable.
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A majority of my classmates were Asian, with the majority having Chinese ancestry. What I understood through their words…”it is fine to have platonic relationships with Black guys, but they will never condone their daughters having feelings. At the very least, she can be with someone Asian, but the most ideal is a fellow Chinese partner.”
The same rule applies with boys, but the majority of my conversations with this topic involved females. With my friendships, I became aware just how negative relations are within the Asian community (Chinese vs. Japanese, Koreans vs Japanese, etc).
Quite strange how deep the history runs, for generations not directly connected to the issues that sparked the root of the issue. One thing I do observe often and hear often, is of course disownment.
Family devotion is important, therefore, to make someone feel insignificant, the childlike response is to ostracize them. I will not hold my tongue on this, but it is an incredibly disgusting and childlike concept.
I always laugh when my wife references disownment, and how I would react of someone threatened me with it. Lol. I then explain my family members do not think like children, so they would never do this.
Did you have a relationship with your grandparents? I love the conversation of, “I am not (Blank) but.” Lol. I then love the, “It is different.”
“The stereotypes and assumptions about him and about me when we were out and about were upsetting and uncomfortable.”
This is the tragedy of the environment we are in. Many like to believe it does not occur, but that is a complete fallacy.
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I did not, sadly. My maternal grandfather died before I was born and only had a two week visit with my maternal grandmother when I was 8. My mother’s family found me a delightful anomaly, because I was curious and unafraid to ask questions. If asked what I thought, I shared the unvarnished and frequently untactful truth. Did I like my aunt’s dress? No, I think it makes her look like she is wearing an ugly jungle; I liked the blue dress much better. Why am I not eating the meal? Because it smells bad. Do I like Hawaii? It’s okay but the beach smells like dead fish.
Because I did not grow up near my mother’s family in Hawaii, I have none of the clannish prejudices my legions of Chinese cousins acquired. My first and my present husband are both caucasian, which I think nothing of but caused my mother endless grief from her family members. It’s insane.
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“Did I like my aunt’s dress? No, I think it makes her look like she is wearing an ugly jungle; I liked the blue dress much better. Why am I not eating the meal? Because it smells bad. Do I like Hawaii? It’s okay but the beach smells like dead fish.”
This made me laugh. Lol. I see this from kids a lot. When we are out and encounter it, we both look at one another and smile/laugh. Kids say the darnedest things.
The most interesting thing about humanity is our willingness to always find a difference with someone, all to point out why we should not interact. Religion, sex, ethnicity, race, etc. I understand why, but it is a bloody sad reality. At the core of these differences, we undermine the many things that creates commonality.
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I don’t know how people come up with those questions. Why can’t they accept you married someone who is not having the same race? Can’t they believe you married your wife purely because of love? I don’t know how you deal with them, but I’m really having hard time understanding them.
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It is truly funny how this works really. Their own insecurities and stereotypes, cause words to exit their mouths. There is no thinking…there is only acting.
It will never register to them that I am with her, for any other reason besides the things I mentioned above.
I deal with them because my wife says I have a dark sense of humor at times. Lol. I can find humor in almost anything. I also know they’re not coming from a place that makes any sense, which makes things even more humorous. Lol.
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Your wife is completely right that you have a dark sense of humor and glad you used it to deal with them 😉
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It is particularly offensive to me that someone might suggest a white woman cannot be considered “strong,” and furthermore offensive that someone would suggest your wife, a white woman who faces the challenges of being in an interracial relationship in society could not have strength. It is understandable to be curious about your attraction to her and the dynamics of your relationship but I cannot imagine how anyone could look at your relationship with disdain. Props for having to deal with those comments!
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Whenever I encounter these individuals, my first response is of a perplexing one. Lol. I then ask for them to explain their question, though I know the answer before they even respond. How do I know the answer? They all read from the same bestselling rulebook, which seems to make its rounds in their circle. The title of this book is, “Why All Black Guys Date Interracially.” Regardless whom I encounter, their reasons are always the same and their questions/statements are always the same.
They impose their negative energy, because that is its the very purpose…to spread itself. By the way, I wrote a post about my wife about 4-5 days ago. She’s not White. You can find that post here.
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Awesome I will read it!
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Hello, I wonder why anyone thinks they have a right to comment on your choice of loved one at all. It simply is not any of their business and none of their concern. You love who you love, and you married who you wanted to. That is enough. It should be enough for anyone. I loved her and wanted to be with her the rest of my life, or , I wanted her to be my wife, is your right to post, say , or proclaim in any way, yet the question it self is not OK for others to ask . To me it is uncivilized, it shows total disrespect to you and your wife as people. A complete break down of manners. I wish you and your wife the best and much happiness. Scottie
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They have a right to do so, because it is their freedom of speech occuring. I cannot infringe on that, nor would I want to honestly. The issue involves their questions/statements coming from a negative place, and not one of genuine interest.
The issue for me, includes them imposing their own stereotypes onto me, yet still thinking they’re specifically interested in my assessment on the matter. Instead, they’ve already made up their opinion, long before they presented the question or statement. Lol.
“I loved her and wanted to be with her the rest of my life, or , I wanted her to be my wife.”
You are 100 percent correct. Sadly, to them and I’m going by their commentary, it is never about love when Black males date interracially. I’m serious. Lol. They express that my love is not at the core, of this attraction.
“To me it is uncivilized, it shows total disrespect to you and your wife as people.”
You are correct again, which is why I am perplexed when I encounter the issue. Thank you much for this thoughtful response. I appreciate you taking the time to read and then sharing your response. Thank you. If you want to see her by the way, I wrote a post about her a few days ago here
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There are four of us girls, in my family. One sister married an Asian man, one married a man of Latino decent and one married a Native American, the other one married a Greek guy…all of the families of our spouses (some more than others) have made statements (often in front of or to the wife–one of us sisters) about how it would have been better for their sons/grandson etc to have married someone of the same race.
Every one of these men are EXTRAORDINARY men, btw. Hardworking, educated, loyal, fierce, articulate, adoring, brave and strong…
I asked my mom one time what she thought about none of her grand kids looking like her (Scottish redhead) her answer was long winded (it’s hereditary) but the short of it is that she was proud of herself for raising kids who saw more than the color of skin when they made friendships and fell in love…
Anyway, nice article.
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And…I’d also like to say that culturally each of us endeavor to teach our children and to honor everything about their heritage and ensure they are immersed in things that bring them closer to real history and real truth regarding their culture and how to keep it alive.
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Lol. It’s rather funny what people think is acceptable, isn’t it? When I started this relationship and observed other interracial relationships, I completely understand the idea of holding onto one’s culture, as to why the elders fear someone engaging interracially.
However, if they maintain the importance of their culture, pass down the language/cuisine, etc…what is the problem?
How do you/your sisters react, whenever they encounter the comments? I’m a sarcastic guy, so I already know how I would react. Lol.
I am in line with your mum. The very last thing I have a concern for, if we have a son or daughter, will be the ethnic/racial makeup of their partner. Does s/he respect you, respects their elders, believes in communication, goal oriented, etc. Race…ethnicity–really? That is what people are concerned about? Lol.
From the moment I knew this would be a long-term thing with my wife, we made it clear that our children will understand everything that makes them who they are. Languages, traditions, etc.
“And…I’d also like to say that culturally each of us endeavor to teach our children and to honor everything about their heritage and ensure they are immersed in things that bring them closer to real history and real truth regarding their culture and how to keep it alive.”
Perfectly stated. They should be aware of their identity. By the way, I actually made a post a few days ago about her here.
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“Do you think it is important, that someone’s partner must have a similar racial identity as the parent?”
NO, what is MOST important is Integrity and Character and connection…I think it is important to find someone with the same/similar convictions so that you’re not at war constantly…someone who can be your best friend and partner through life… What is within a person far out weighs outward appearance (though many times outward presentation will also say a lot about what is on the inside, not always. I’m not talking about skin color. I’m talking about appearance that goes along with expressing your conduct.
“How do you react to interracial couples in public/privately?”
I think it’s great, and probably notice it more and actually favor it…shows culture and diversity…of which most of us could use a little more of. And I think most times make the most adorable children, maybe I’m just bias, but you asked.
Funny thing is when you marry someone you have enough to deal with fusing 2 individuals together…each person really brings a different culture to the table as it is, I don’t care what the color of your skin is.
My husband is Italian and some other nationalities…I am mostly French and a lot of other nationalities.
When we’re talking about people…we’re talking about people
you don’t put dogs and cats together you put dogs and dogs together…I wonder how many people with strong “same racial” views own mixed bred animals? I mean if we’re going to make a big deal about it…might as well stick to the beliefs all the way around.
Dogs are dogs…no Pomsky for you…no Chusky either…like some of the CUTEST dogs EVER
So when people start trying to marry and make offspring with animals or some other sort of thing besides PEOPLE then I will have my negative comments for various reasons…but
as the great Dr.Seuss said “A person’s a person no matter how small.”
So I say a person’s a person no matter…
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Whenever these people interact with me, and pose these ridiculous questions and statements, I think like this…”So, the first indicator for you is the person’s racial makeup. You then determine their attractiveness and move from there. I think that is fine for you, but I think differently.”
If humanity, in my opinion, should not interact, nature would somehow hinder us from interacting. Whether it be physically (location) or biologically. Regardless of the reason, we interact for a reason. To believe the different groups would not/should not become romantically involved makes little sense.
What is factually proven about Italy, is of course their Black ancestry when you take into consideration the “Out-of-Africa theory. Lol. Many Italians refuse to believe this is true, because of the disdain for the group. However, science proves otherwise.
Craig Bobb, a White supremacist, was given the results of a DNA test on live television. You can find that clip here.
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Not sure if I understand your reply but pretty much that is what I’m saying is that we are all mixed…I guess what I was trying to say is exactly what the clip said…we’re all pretty much mixed…and I love that. Whatever color of your skin…and no matter who you marry or date there are 2 different cultures mixing together because how you were raised ect.
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Which part can I clarify?
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I’m not sure if the you in your statement is directed toward me or a “universal” you.
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The “you” was part of a quotation, addressing the thought process I go through, whenever people pose negative questions/statements regarding my interracial relationship. It was referring to people who say the things, which I addressed in the post. For instance, “isn’t your mother black,” etc.
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I guess I couldn’t tell if you felt negatively toward my comment or if you were just adding to it…or if you were saying I missed the point all together…maybe I just need another cup of coffee.
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HaHa. You should get that second cup. Lol. I don’t ever react negatively. Even when the person is coming from a negative place, which I did get last night. My wife read the comment and said, “Did they actually read your post?” Lol. Their comment was definitely coming from the angle of personal attack. I react sarcastically, but not negatively. I also ask questions before the sarcasm begins. You are alright. I know when you reply, it is not coming from a realm of attacking me personally
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Yeah totally not attacking you at all, my answers are a bit abstract and lengthy, but you know you’re posts make me think…that can be scary at times. I’ll grab that other cup of coffee…I kind of had to laugh when I saw my quote from Dr.Seuss HA HA
I actually did read your post!!!
I read the comment about how people throw out the scripture in Deut. at you…that’s just horrible, I find that despicable! I wish you and your wife the very best…be fruitful and multiply see how those people feel about that…ha ha ha
I’m going to go check out the other comment you are talking about.
I love that your wife reads your posts and the comments!
Have you ever thought of doing a blog together?
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You are definitely A-okay in my book. LoL.
I write with that idea in mind actually (thought provoking posts…well I try to). LoL. I think of something others may have discussed, and then figure out my spin. If I cannot find a way to create a spin, I will not write about it. That is why my wife says she loves reading the posts. By the way, you can check this blog post to see an ongoing discussion. I think you may enjoy it. I am receiving a double-teaming of sorts, from two cheaters. LoL.
That scripture verse is funny actually. LoL. I am floored people genuinely think their negative opinion holds so much weight on my life. HAHAHA. I look at them, and my wife knows my sense of humor can be dark, but I give them a perplexing look. I am thinking, “On what planet, do you even think I would pour water on your negative opinion, if it were on fire?” LoL. That thing means nothing to me.
When you visit the blog in the link, you will see why it truly amazes me what people think they read, and what they know you are saying. However, it is entirely their feelings on the matter. I remain civil of course, but I am not going to allow someone to enter my side of town with their nonsensical babble, and not receive a non-politically correct response. LoL. I enjoy the dialogue though (that is my dark sense of humor again), because it shows me again and again, just how lacking the level of reading comprehension is.
I actually did not consider writing one together, but now that you have mentioned it, I think that would be an awesome idea. I just do not know what it would be about or how to structure it. LoL. Did you get that coffee yet?
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People are so interested in choices others make (even if those choices don’t affect the people questioning things). I like the way you handle those situations.
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It is quite fascinating, isn’t it? I always bring it back to the basics, when I’m joking around with my wife..”I take joy in knowing that people are disgusted that we are together.” LoL. My wife knows my level of sarcasm, so I always find ways to make her laugh in these situations.
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