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Advice, Bloggers, Body, Body Image, Body Positive, Communication, Culture, Equality, Inspiration, Motivational, OneGentlemansPerspective, Relationships, Women
Real men like curves, not skin and bones. This is a phrase making its rounds and promoted online. However, the supposed goal is to promote an era of body positivity, well, that is unless your body does not look like theirs.
In other words, in this era of body positivity, some will only accept body types that resemble ours, and will ostracize all others. That is not body positivity—that is an in-group bias, where you show favoritism for one’s own group over any other.
As mentioned before, males do not drive beauty standards; the drivers of this vehicle are other females.
We are not equally beautiful. If we were equally beautiful and we decided to go on looks alone, the bald and overweight guy you pass on the street would be the standard eligible bachelor on the covers of GQ magazines, as opposed to guys like Hugh Jackman, Joe Manganiello, Ryan Gosling, Will Smith, Jung Ji-Hoon, Daniel Craig, John Abraham, Tyson Beckford, etc.
Males do not create mass campaigns shunning fit males, or create Twitter hashtags and Instagram posts depicting that, real women like curves and not muscles, with an image of an obese male in the photo.
You simply will not encounter this in the majority, if at all.
In my opinion, no one is mandated to find you attractive. I know this goes against popular rhetoric, but we cannot continue to enforce the idea that beauty standards are supposed to change to soothe our individual feelings.
It is not society’s responsibility to tell you that at 5’3 and 600lbs, you are incredibly desirable sexually. It is not society’s responsibility to tell you that at 5’10 and 75lbs, you are incredibly sexy.
Before someone completely obliterates those two sentences, the key takeaway is society’s responsibility. In no way does my words promote ridicule for women, regardless which side of the spectrum they fall on the weight scale.
Whatever weight works for you is your business. On an individual basis, you should be able to tell yourself…
I am fine being 5’3 and weighing 600lbs
I am perfectly fine knowing I weigh 90lbs, at a height of 5’9
However, it is not the responsibility of anyone in society, to agree with the conclusion you draw about yourself.
Love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world— Lucille Ball
No one should force you to be an ideal weight. I will even go as far and say, society is not forcing you to be an ideal weight. You can become aware of the idea that sex sells, therefore, people who happen to appear sexually appealing will be in magazines, films, etc.
However, that is not society placing a gun to your head; where as a woman you MUST be X body weight and have X amount of body fat percentage.
More importantly, to say that society should alter what it deems as healthy and attractive, all to soothe your new definition of healthy and attractive, is as destructive as the message you are seeking to change.
I am all for the message if you were solely going after this image, where the only definition of a sexy female consisted of severely anorexic examples.
That is clearly unhealthy and the public would be on your side. However, your campaigns do not fixate and fight against anorexia. Instead, the focus seems to fall on anyone with a different shape from yours.
In other words, whatever the majority of males tend to deem as attractive. It seems you are becoming the attractive police and anyone not aligned with what you consider attractive, is somehow perpetuating a bad precedent for young girls.
However, here is what I find confusing. You say that your objective is to create a society that is more accepting of all shapes and sizes, which by the way is a fool’s errand, because society does not owe any one individual a compliment.
Nonetheless, I can follow along with this concept. Yet, when you say you are campaigning for the acceptance of all, why are you stating such things as…
Skinny b***hes are gross
Only dogs like bones
Curves…because no one likes to snuggle a stick
A woman without curves, is like jeans without pockets…you don’t know where to put your hands
Someone give that girl a sandwich
You should not have to enhance your self-esteem, by ridiculing the shape of another woman—One Gentleman
You see, this is not about having an open mind to all shapes; this is a campaign to distort what is attractive only to suit your definition and feelings. In other words, this campaign of ridiculing body shaming is really a campaign to slim shame.
I dislike using this language of shaming attached to another word, but it works for this specific instance.
How can you consider the tactic of slim shaming, vastly different to fat shaming, thus acceptable?
You believe that we brainwash young girls with images, defining what they should believe is beautiful, and I would agree if your intentions were not corrupted.
However, if the images they receive of fit female models and slim actresses are damaging, what do you think of the millions of young girls and women, with naturally slim or fit physiques?
Do you not think your message is damaging to them? Do you believe your message of slim shaming is helpful to the self-esteem of young girls and women, whom are naturally slim or train hard to have fit physiques?
Do you think young boys do not see the fascination, which females generally have for fit males?
Appearing physically aesthetic is not something only females hear and see. To draw this conclusion is completely misleading.
How many overweight male actors, musicians and athletes, do you think young boys are aspiring to look like? Now compare that to young boys wanting to have similar physiques to guys like Hugh Jackman, James Todd Smith, etc.
The difference is that males will not impose their beliefs, where they request for a change in the standard of male beauty.
Instead, they will see the standard and either choose to have a similar physique, or object to having the physique. The real question is then why.
Why do males see the standard, assimilate or reject, whereas some females see the standard and become incredibly upset, asking for things to change for them?
Why become upset when females like Maria Kang, a business owner and mother of three boys, says that women can be mothers, work and remain fit if they so choose?
Though her story is old, my wife and I were left dumbfounded when other females reacted negatively.
Yet, you want me to believe males set beauty standards. The reaction to Kang is representative of the reality and in this reality, your biggest critic happens to be other females—not males.
I say be whatever size you desire. With that said, I believe this campaign is becoming destructive. You want to force society to fit your beauty standards, in order to make you feel better.
Verbally barraging overweight or slim individuals will help no one, except your warped perception on increasing your own self-esteem.
Your tactic is no better than the beauty standards of society, which you say you are trying to dismantle.
By the way, society is a collection of people and therefore people make up a society. When you want to dismantle societal views, you are actually addressing the views of the people.
If real women were not supposed to look a certain way, then the existence of these women would be fiction. The saying of what a real woman looks like never, and I mean never, made a bit of sense to me.
If women collectively loved themselves more and rejected the expanding insecurities they create,the beauty industry would crumble— One Gentleman
Whether you have a shape like Jennifer Lopez, Lucy Liu, Sharon Dumfries, Ashley Graham, Melyssa Ford, Maggie Q or Whitney Thompson, there is someone for you. Thin, muscular or plus size—your competition is your self-esteem…not anyone else.
Do not make this a competition between the size of your dress, and the size of someone else’s.
The same harm you believe the current beauty standards create for plus size females, the reversal of your campaign creates the same harm for naturally slim females. To correct a wrong, you do not create another.
This is One Gentleman’s Perspective; I would love to read yours. Do you feel compelled to look a certain weight? What drives this?
Is it acceptable to ridicule someone’s weight, when in return you dislike when others ridicule yours? How do you feel about this slim shaming vs fat shaming culture, battling it out on social media?
One Gentleman's Perspective 
I think you’re dead on with this article. We can all use a little more empathy for one another in this world.
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Empathy is that word that means everything, until you have to actually use it. In other words, some people want it used directed at them from others, but when it comes time to share this empathy directed from them to someone else, empathy suddenly is irrelevant. They want you to give them empathy, but are unwilling to give it back to anyone else.
It reminds me of people who only call when they need your help, but are absent when you are now in need.
This topic of thin vs fat shaming is such a problematic one for me. We get so caught up in our own agenda, we fail to realize how harmful the agenda is for someone else. I’m all for loving your own body and embracing who you are. However, ridiculing someone else in the process is an awful way to uplift yourself. Sadly, I see this so often online. I could’ve made a post made specifically with no words of my own, but comments on both sides of this thin vs far shaming argument.
If this is what they consider body positivity, sign me up for body negativity. Thank you much for stopping by again. I know my topics usually focus on controversial subjects, so I understand the views may not be a popular one. For that, thank you for checking this one out.
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I love this post. A real key to the problem is revealed in these words, “It is not society’s responsibility” to tell you that you are okay, attractive, desirable. Validation, self acceptance, always have to come from within. Seeking it externally will lead to nothing but misery.
We should also not be shaming men for what they find attractive. Some men really do like curves, some do not. Regardless, there is someone for everybody. Those sound like pretty words your mother would just tell you to make you feel better, but it really is the truth.
Recently there was a study out that showed many women actually prefer a few love handles in men, which was kind of funny, because people were so appalled, perhaps those who had worked so hard to rid themselves of such things.
Physical attraction has a whole lot to do with bringing us together in the beginning, but as time progresses these things really do fall away. People begin to love each other for less superficial things and the nature of our own attraction will evolve.
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Thanks IB. I created this one over a month ago. I changed the schedule after coming aross a recent story, because I had this post cheduled for the end of January.
“Validation, self acceptance, always have to come from within. Seeking it externally will lead to nothing but misery.”
I agree completely here. I understand where they are going with this body positivity angle, but they are generally going about it incorrectly in my opinion. You do not need to ridicule someone else, in order to feel beautiful. I don’t need to negativity critique another guy in the gym, to make myself feel good about myself. That begins from your upbringing and then from within.
“We should also not be shaming men for what they find attractive.”
This is what I also consider strange. All males do not think the same in every situation, and even if they did, your campaign will never change it. I personally find women attractive in general, and this is not because she is a societal depiction of beauty. I find someone attractive because I consider her attractive. It’s not because she is slim, fit, Black, White, etc.
It comes down to what each person likes and as you mentioned, some will disagree, but there is really someone for everyone. For instance, there are niches in pornography to suit all. You can find a niche geared for those with an attraction to mature women/men, derriere, plus size women, feet, etc.
As much as I adore my wife physically, it’s the non-physical things that keep me captivated. It may sound lame, but it’s the truth. I agree that the surface can take a backseat over time.
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Reblogged this on A glimpse at Sophia's world.
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Thanks for reading this post, and sharing again. I definitely think this discussion is one we should not shy away from.
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I absolutely agree.
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Yes! Good post. I couldn’t understand why Meghan Trainor’s “All About that Bass” seemed off to me until now. http://youtu.be/7PCkvCPvDXk
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Thank you for checking out this post. I truly appreciate the time spent reading. You know, you are not the first person who mentioned this. When you listen to the lyrics, it does fall in line with this era of body positivity, which now means ridicule someone else, to highlight people who look like me. In my opinion, you should not desire the need to tear someone down, in order to build up your self-esteem. That is not body positivity. I know a number of women will hear the lyrics and say “girl power” but in the midst of this, you are shining a negative light on another group of girls. That’s not really “girl power.” You can make a song highlighting yourself, without denouncing someone else.
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Agreed. I’ve been both that thin girl and that fat girl. I don’t like the us vs. them mentality.
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Another great post! I had to pull out my favorite quote from this post: “…standards are [not] supposed to change to sooth our individual feelings.” This can apply to so many different topics these days.
Do we as women feel compelled to look a certain way? Absolutely.
While dressing for dinner one night I asked my husband’s opinion about my dress options. He chose something he thought looked great on me and comfortable. I ended up choosing a dress that night to impress the other couples at dinner (not what he chose). Shawn and I talked about this later, why do women feel the need to impress other women? He was right on the money with his question. I was not dressing to impress him or the other men, I was thinking about the other women’s reactions. It took him pointing it out to make me realize it.
My husband and I were also blown away by the reaction to Kang’s message. I didn’t take her message as offensive. It was motivational. It’s great that she can find time to be healthy while raising a family and working. My husband is a bodybuilder/nutritionist/trainer. His male clients diet down to insanely low body fat levels and they ALL support each other. The female clients are not the same. They tend to feel threatened by the other girls & start to tear each other down. Is it due to lack of confidence? I think so. There are a select few who are comfortabe with who they are, those women help build up the other clients, no matter what their goals are.
As for battling it out on social media; I was raised to respect others & I strive to always treat people how I lexpect to be treated. I carry this on to my social media accounts as well. It’s very easy for people to bash each other over the internet when you don’t have to face that person in real life.
I really enjoyed this post! Very though provoking! I will definitely share this!
-excuse the typos! I posted from my phone.
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Thanks for checking out this post. I understand the controversial nature of the topic, so thank you for reading.
You touched on a topic that I’ve known for some time, but many refuse to believe. Women do want to look appealing to men, but the average woman knows and sometimes subconsciously competes with other women, whether she is in a relationship or single.
I know of female friends and acquaintances, who compete in the sense of who has the most expensive attire, wedding ring, etc. Do men drive this? Absolutely not. This is purely a competition of sorts, between one female and another.
“I was not dressing to impress him or the other men, I was thinking about the other women’s reactions.”
I know a number of women, and it has been this way since high school. My uncle would often say, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. He wants you to listen twice as much as you speak.” With the connections I shared with women, I would listen to them and receive priceless knowledge. Without knowing, they were teaching me about women. I listened far more than I spoke.
Your quote above is something I learned from them. Yes, heterosexual women want to appear a certain way in the presence of men. However, that desire can be equal and at times far stronger, for the appearance they want to keep up in the presence of other women.
“My husband is a bodybuilder/nutritionist/trainer. His male clients diet down to insanely low body fat levels and they ALL support each other. The female clients are not the same. They tend to feel threatened by the other girls & start to tear each other down.”
This is precisely my point. This is what I noticed as well, and once again, the behavior with the females in question, are not driven by males.
Thank you again for dedicating time on this post. I understand the nature of this subject, which is why I felt compelled to write about it.
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“In other words, in this era of body positivity, some will only accept body types that resemble ours, and will ostracize all others. That is not body positivity—that is an in-group bias, where you show favoritism for one’s own group over any other.”
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE IT. Everything you have said is so right on. I read it twice because I was so thrilled that you understand this so well… If only women did! I could comment forever but you said it all, and you said it all so well.
Great Post. This will be my first reblog ever! Everyone needs to read this.
And as for me personally: I would be lying if I said I never felt pressure to be or look a certain way but I recognize it for what it is and I don’t give into that conditioned voice in my head. I wish more women could see that and just stop. Stop competing with one another, stop talking down to one another, stop creating body image issues that stem from body image issues… it’s just crazy. It’s all just more noise and distraction. A waste of precious time. I have friends who spend HOURS getting ready before going to the store or dinner. Not to be dolled-up for their man, but to out-do the other women they will encounter. To make themselves feel better or superior. But it’s like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Women need to learn to silence those ideals in their mind and decide for themselves who they are, what they want to be, learn to love themselves and be accepting of the bodies they were blessed with.
Anyhow, great job a million times. 🙂
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I graciously embrace your positive feedback, and would like to say thank you for sharing it. I’m quite humbled because I was not expecting the reaction. Thank you. This topic is one that we discuss in our marriage quite often, because there are so many news stories or issues that play out on social media, and other forms of media, making it easy to spot the hypocrisy.
I’ve had relations with women all along the weight spectrum, and the demons they all faced regarding body self-esteem issues had one factor at the core. I often hear that men are to blame, but I would then listen to the insecurities of these individuals and I suddenly thought to myself, “wait a minute–this is not an issue driven by males.” I then started asking myself why. Why are males receiving the blame? This concept is driven by so many factors (the beauty industry, their peere, etc). Eventually, it becomes second nature to simply assume males are the culprit. But a closer observation refutes this idea quite easily.
My wife read the post and loved it. I was quite pleased that female viewers understand where I am coming from. After all, this would have failed miserably if they did not. LoL.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with someone wanting to appear as sexy, stunning, dapper or dashing as possible. Whenever I purchase something for my wife, I honestly think how stunning she will look. That is the first thing that crosses my mind. If it does not meet certain markers, I will not buy it. I am a visual individual, which is a typical trait for males.
The issue comes from the creation of insecurities, simply to enhance your self-esteem, by tearing someone else down. That to me is a horrible behavior. My wife is stunning, not because she exits the house seeking to appear better than any other woman. She is a striking individual because her aura defines what I consider sexy. She does not need to undermine someone else, all to appear sexy in my eyes or hers.
Thank you again. I am grateful for the feedback. It shows I was successful in the message. Thank you much. I hope your week has started well.
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Reblogged this on SARA DIEHL and commented:
THIS IS MY VERY FIRST REBLOG… But I just had to share. I encourage you to read the comments as well because it’s all just so full of goodness.
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Thanks again Sara D. I greatly appreciate your reaction to this post. I was honestly expecting an influx of negative reactions. LoL. I noticed a spike in views when I created this post, so I was ready for someone to either misconstrue the message, or react in a rather angry manner. Thanks again.
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The holidays largely took me away from a computer, so I have some catching up to do. But I figured I would start with this post.
I love this line:
“Thin, muscular or plus size—your competition is your self-esteem…not anyone else”
However I do think that as guys, you and I don’t truly get it. Don’t get me wrong, I completely agree that women are largely competing against each other and against their own self esteem (and not so much trying to look good for men). And I think that in many ways that’s unhealthy, especially when I think guys are much more willing to accept women “as they are” than most women realize.
But one thing I have come to believe is that for women, their personal appearance is much more tied up in their sense of identity than it is for men. Yeah, that’s a generalization and doesn’t necessarily apply to all. And I’m not suggesting that men don’t take pride in their appearances. Some don’t, but most do.
Look at something as simple as underwear – guy have boxers or briefs. If you wanna be fancy maybe you pick a different material. But for women, geez, have you ever SEEN the lines in a Victoria Secret store. All this money spent on clothes that maybe are supposed to make you “feel sexier”, or maybe better about yourself. And how often are those clothes actually used in a sexy or erotic way? Probably not that often, so what’s the point.
I’m not suggesting people should go around in potato sacks, and I can appreciate an attractive woman as much as the next guy. As said above though, I think most guys are much more accepting of women as they are than women realize. Maybe because we are more inclined to accept ourselves for who we are.
If you want to get in better shape, get in better shape. If you don’t, don’t. But whatever you are doing, do it for you. Not because you feel any pressures to do so.
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Good day Drew. I hope you are well.
After the different relationships (platonic/romantic) that I’ve had with other females, I am actually aware of the direct connection that women have with their physical appearance.
It begins from a young age, and eventually manifests differently depending on cultural norms. For instance, ever since a young age, I heard that “White guys love breasts, but Black guys love butts.”
Now, is this a generalization? Of course, but there’s usually truth in general conclusions. Large derrières were popular for thousands of years for Blacks, despite this new age nonsense where they made it seem Kim Kardashian made the derrière sexy in the past three years. Walk down the average Black neighborhood, and it destroys this nonsensical idea in three seconds flat.
The men from DR, Brazil, Costa Rica, etc…the derrière is something they admire.
The girls learn from a young age, that large derrières equate to what males find sexy. A large derrière or a proportional derrière, becomes the staple form of beauty standards in these cultures. This will not change ever, even when the trend dies down in Hollywood and the effects of the buttock augmentation/fillers become more noticeable.
Girls within these cultures will do anything to attain a large derrière, and will highlight this one area in photos. With this one example, I understand precisely how the physical is tied to females. This is akin to how money is tied to males. It is a ying/yang relationship. She provides her physical, and he provides things through money.
It’s simply how the world works in most cultures. The only issue I have with the topic of beauty standards is how they say men create the insecurities, which females face. I refuse to believe this.
By listening to other women, you will notice the fabrication of this concept involving males. I wrote this post, even though I believe the bickering will not stop, regardless how much the person weighs. However, I wanted people to also understand where the issue originates, and it is not through males.
In an ideal world, the insults thrown at someone because she is thinner or heavier would end. It is silly because there is someone for everyone. There are men who love slim women and men who love larger women. Why in the world do you need to create a campaign to highlight body positivity, when you are really insulting women with a different shape from yours? That is my objective with this post–pointing out the hypocrisy.
“I think most guys are much more accepting of women as they are than women realize. Maybe because we are more inclined to accept ourselves for who we are. If you want to get in better shape, get in better shape. If you don’t, don’t. But whatever you are doing, do it for you. Not because you feel any pressures to do so.”
This is perfect.
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This debacle is quite possibly one of the most toxic things to ever emerge from the Internet. And you’re right, it’s doing nobody any good.
I read a quote once about this controversial topic and it was pretty much spot on with yours, “Arrogance is noisy, confidence is quiet.” I don’t really see any truly confident people putting others down just to feel better about themselves. Just like Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” where she states: “F*** the skinny bitches! F*** the skinny bitches in the club!”, I only see arrogance.
The same also applies to women creating this whole fiasco in the first place. There was a man who openly claimed that he was predominantly attracted to plus-size women. He did also mention that he found many non-plus-size women attractive too, and would be happily married to his wife whether she was plus-size or not. He was subsequently deemed a sexist misogynist by some (overly) irate women.
They’re mad because he likes big women and they’re mad because he likes women. What can he say?!
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Thank you much for taking a moment to read this topic. It touches on a sensitive issue, so your insight is well received. Please excuse my delay in responding. I haven’t blogged in several weeks.
“This debacle is quite possibly one of the most toxic things to ever emerge from the Internet. And you’re right, it’s doing nobody any good.”
I cannot agree any more than I am right now. It is an incredibly destructive position, which only serves the person/people pushing the agenda. It is an act of selfishness, not selflessness. They are not seeking to uplift ALL women. The objective is to promote an in-group bias, and sadly, people are falling for this kool-aid. I am happy to see that you are not.
If my wife and I have a daughter, she will be miles away from this propaganda. Far too many young girls and women are victims of this rhetoric, and it is quite a shame to be honest.
“I don’t really see any truly confident people putting others down just to feel better about themselves.”
It’s interesting you mentioned this, because while I was inactive with blogging, I started working on several potential blog ideas. One idea addresses this exact subject. When you are confident in who you are, you will not resort to ridiculing someone else to make yourself feel good. Only weak and small-minded people, feel the need to boost their self-esteem in this manner.
“There was a man who openly claimed that he was predominantly attracted to plus-size women. He did also mention that he found many non-plus-size women attractive too, and would be happily married to his wife whether she was plus-size or not. He was subsequently deemed a sexist misogynist by some (overly) irate women. They’re mad because he likes big women and they’re mad because he likes women. What can he say?!”
You’ve entered what I call the Twilight Zone. It is a place where you win and lose at the same time. It is a place where things make no sense. Here is an example I’ve encountered.
If a Black guy says, “Black women are the most beautiful women on earth, and no other compares to their physique,” he is applauded.
–Let us enter the Twilight Zone now.–
If a Black guy says, “White women are the most beautiful women on earth, and no other compares to their physique,” he is a shamed and vilified for the opinion.
I then want to ask, how was the first okay, but the second not? This is what the guy you mentioned faced, after saying he is attracted to women of all shapes.
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I really enjoyed this post! Only recently, a pop song was released called ‘All About The Bass’, with one absolutely awful line, “boys like a little more booty to hold at night”. This whole slim-shaming and fat-shaming culture that we are living in causes so many people, regardless of age or gender, to feel incredibly unsatisfied and wary of their looks because if you aren’t a certain criteria, it’s deemed as absolutely wrong, and no one will be attracted to you. Either you’re too thin, you’re too fat, and you’re made to feel ashamed of your body by people regardless of your size because there are people out there who are always going to pick faults. We are such an insecure generation and people need to start taking note of the important things in life and stop constantly putting other people down.
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Thank you for stopping by. This post has become one of my favorites, due to the message embedded within. At times, I often up end disliking some of the posts I upload. For a number of reasons honestly. Usually, the message does not connect with me. However, on the other side of this, I end up enjoying some for a number of reasons. Usually, the message speaks to me. This one spoke to me, so thank you for reading and responding.
The song you mentioned is part of this in-group bias I mentioned, masking itself as body positivity. As I often mention to my wife, when I’m working out in the gym, I do not require negatively critiquing someone else, in order to feel better about myself. I don’t need to say, “My abdominals appear more visible than his, therefore, I am more attractive to women.” That is silly and in reality, represents someone with low levels of self-esteem.
A woman is beautiful, not because of her breasts size, derriere, dress size, etc. These examples are aspects of who she is, but they do not make her appealing. Take me for instance, I’m attracted to the presence of sexy. Sadly, we currently consider sexy as a tight fitting dress or revealing clothing. No, sexy is something that she exudes simply by being. In other words, I’ve seen “sexy” slim women, and “sexy” women whom are not slim. In short, there is someone for everyone. Whether you are slim, fit or plus size, you should not become involved with this silly argument of fat shaming or slim shaming.
“Either you’re too thin, you’re too fat, and you’re made to feel ashamed of your body by people regardless of your size because there are people out there who are always going to pick faults.”
This is the problem right here. If both sides understood that both sides of the weight spectrum, experiences scrutiny one way or the other, it would diminish the entire “me versus you” argument.
“We are such an insecure generation and people need to start taking note of the important things in life and stop constantly putting other people down.”
That message is perfect. Why is it so difficult to understand for many? LoL
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