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Advice, Communication, Couples, Culture, Dating, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Reflection, Relationships, Romance, Sex, Social Media, Women
To continue my series addressing questions I encounter via different search engines, I think I have an interesting one today. Why do guys kiss and tell?
I have friends and acquaintances, with varying degrees of sexual experience. I know of people waiting until marriage, and I know of individuals able to have sex, merely because you delivered the right amount of attention.
The mere whiff of someone providing attention will trigger a sense of euphoria.
That last sentence is an exaggeration, but the key is that for those falling on this side of the sexual spectrum, body exploration sessions occur often and with anyone willing to pay some attention.
As a disclaimer, I could not care less one way or the other, how many sexual partners you have on a consensual basis.
More importantly, this concept of kiss and tell, will occur on both sides of the fence. Females and males do it. It is another topic entirely, if we are to calculate whether one side does it more often than the other does. However, for this entry, I want to focus on males.
Similar to all of the other topics I address, I cannot provide absolutes in my response. I can only approach the subject through One Gentleman’s Perspective, but also through generalizations.
With that said, in my experience, males will change their decision to kiss and tell during two scenarios. The first scenario is when he enters into a long-term relationship.
This is where he decides that all, or specific details about his sex life are now off-limits. The second scenario occurs upon maturity.
Maturity does not necessarily equate to age. In fact, I know of married men old enough to be my father, liberal in their decision to share the most intimate details, about their body exploration sessions.
Why do guys kiss and tell?
In my opinion, there are two main reasons where he feels compelled, to share information involving his body exploration sessions. There are others, but I only want to focus on these two.
The first reason relates to the challenge of sex. The need to share this information occurs, because we collectively understand that sex is usually a difficult step for females to take.
Having sex in this challenging environment is similar to winning a fight against your bully. Please do not shoot the messenger; I am simply sharing my opinion as to why it may happen.
Taking down the largest bully in school is quite a physical challenge; therefore, accomplishing such a feat becomes noteworthy.
Having sex is the equivalent of overcoming a difficult challenge. With anything that is challenging, we usually recognize when someone overcomes it. The more challenging, the greater the acknowledgement of his peers becomes.
For instance, if he experienced body exploration sessions with a popular female musician, this sexual tryst would be the equivalent of winning a fight against several schoolyard bullies.
It is no different from the praise or attention, which Amal Alamuddin is receiving for settling down George Clooney.
Clooney is an individual believed by many to be a man, who was incapable of walking down the aisle due to stereotypes involving his fear of commitment, and his desire for younger women.
In both scenarios, the concept of challenging is present. Mrs. Clooney’s ability to take him off the market is something, which continues baffling celebrities and non-celebrities alike. How did she do it? How did she succeed, where others failed?
In general, this is how some males view the subject of having sex, thus the reason some feel the need to share with others. I did not say it is right, nor does my explanation say it is wrong.
It does not mean he considers himself superior to females, nor does it mean the concept of viewing sex as challenging, is an example of sexism.
The second reason, which he may kiss and tell, connects to the first. Concerning the subject of challenging, having sex with females holding firm to their virginity, well, that is as difficult as it gets. Once again, please do not shoot the messenger.
Traditionally speaking, virginity was the ideal position for both males and females. In other words, it was a common practice to remain pure until marriage.
However, though it is an ideal position for females, outside of religious circles, virginity is somewhat different, especially for males today. Male virgins are the butt of every joke. In fact, males and females often make fun or criticize, male virgins simply because they are virgins.
With this in mind, some will fabricate body exploration sessions, in order to remain disconnected from the virgin label.
In this scenario, he is misconstruing the kiss and tell concept, because the only thing at play is the telling portion. Since the entire ordeal is a fabrication, there is no kissing involved.
In short, this guy will kiss and tell because he dislikes the virgin label.
Overall, the respect level will change upon maturing, or the moment he enters into a committed relationship.
Generally, it is one thing to kiss and tell when the person in question is a fling, but it is another when she is actually someone he truly cares for. He may not think twice when it involves a fling, but his thought process changes when he cares for her.
His opinion on the subject changes, because the degree of respect for a one-night stand or fling remains different, to a long-term connection.
When I was a teenager, I did not see a problem with kissing and telling. Now that I am walking the lifestyle of a gentleman, things are different.
Play-by-play information, regarding body exploration sessions with my wife will remain between us. What I did before was representative of my state of mind. However, as a gentleman today, kissing and telling is disrespectful to my wife and our relationship.
This is my perspective. I am more interested in yours. What are your thoughts on kissing and telling?
One Gentleman's Perspective 
When you say maturity, I think you are right. Part of this also has to do with someone’s own sense of self. You and I have discussed this before, but if someone doesn’t have a strong sense of self then they need external validation of their worth. And if you need external validation, then what better way then to advertise all of your “conquests” (and when you need external validation, conquests is exactly what they are).
I think that attitudes around sex are actually quite different for people with a strong sense of self vs. for people without. Sex is physically pleasurable in both cases, but I believe a strong emotional connection can only be achieved when you know who you are.
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I was going to say much the same thing. I think there’s a battle inside each person between insecurity and maturity. When we are insecure, we feel the need to brag and generally act in immature ways. A big part of being mature is having security in who we are, so there is no need to brag.
Perhaps the bigger question is does a mature gentleman go around racking up conquests in the first place? I would say no, but there are no doubt many self-professed gentlemen out there who feel it is okay to have many partners so long as they treat each one in a gentlemanly manner.
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@Anonyman
When you experience maturity, it opens your eyes and ears to this realization, where external confirmation is simply a plus–it should not dictate the value of your product, what you wear, etc. In other words, if you are a painter who understands the beauty of each piece, you do not need validation from others for you to know this. You may remain humble and consider the feedback as a bit much, but your sense of awareness and maturity allows you to see the beauty in your work internally.
Compliments are simply an added bonus, for what you already feel inside.Can a mature gentleman have multiple consensual partners, since he is not in a committed/monogamous relationship? Yes, I would say so. Would he be promiscuous for such a behavior? By definition, yes, I would say so.
Treating her as a lesser being, opposite of how she conducts herself–that is where I would consider the act absent of the gentleman’s etiquette. However, that is my opinion, because if he is not in a monogamous or committed relationship, then he should be free to have sex. The notion of conquest however, well, that is a different beast entirely. That’s entering a territory that infringes on the lifestyle of what we consider the etiquette of a gentleman.
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@ZombieDrew
The amazing realization of sense of self. This is something I speak of often. When a boy or girl is lacking this oneness with the self, they have a difficult time understanding others and how to conduct themselves appropriately in the presence of others. My wife and I talk about this often, whenever we glance through photos on IG.
It is not through the lens of judgment, instead, I realize far too many people need external gratification to feel a sense of worth. They post photos only highlighting their derriere and breasts, which is 100 percent fine. But in the same breath, will say, “All men are dogs” or “Why don’t guys want me for me.” LoL.
If you are projecting your sense of worth to viewers, via derriere and breasts photos, why exactly would the receiver(s) of these images, view your worth any differently? It is one thing if you were a model of sorts, because it makes sense to upload a collection of such photos (photo shoots in lingerie, etc). But if you are a “regular” person, giving us insight into your life through photos, you cannot tell me that your derriere and breasts are the only representations of your life.
The guys are no different. They posts things (jewelry, credit cards, cash, etc) and then say “these hoes ain’t loyal. You post these photos and wonder why you are incapable of attracting a mature partner. LoL. When your identity is a foreign concept, you will seek out this awareness in the only way you know how.
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Man, I’ve got it all wrong. I keep posting pics of my breasts and derriere, and I never realized that was why so many women objectify me 🙂
Yeah, people do some strange things. Sometimes when I see people and the things they do, you can almost see the little child in them crying out for attention. It’s sad.
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LoL. I guess we’ve both done this entire thing incorrectly. I see the child in them rather quickly, because a lot of the things I used to do, or considered “cool,” are no longer part of my identity. I understand how this realization takes time, so hopefully they will eventually experience their epiphany. I’m still in the process of maturing, so I see this realization as a lifelong journey.
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I can’t really say if kissing and telling is right or wrong (maybe neither?). For me I think I would be more concerned about the manner in which someone is doing so. For instance, are they bragging? Fabricating? Humiliating? In some cases it could be hurtful, but in other ways I’m not too sure I would care. Kissing, so to speak, is something in which we are all going to partake. It is difficult for a lot of people to keep secrets or withhold information, so maybe the telling is something we should just learn to expect. Other problems, like degrading someone verbally, should be handled separately. If they can be separated, I think they should.
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From my experience, the person usually posing the question is concerned about the entire ordeal, which usually causes them to fear having sex entirely. This is one of those topics where the reaction will be different from person-to-person, because some girls are concerned about their sexual reputation, and then there are some girls unconcerned about the discussion.
Some women frown upon the practice, and then there are some women unconcerned with the ordeal. For instance, one of my best friends at the time was my bud’s girlfriend. She shared information to me, involving details received from her friend about a sexual tryst we shared together (this was long before my wife).
In other words, though some girls do not want (whether they express vocally or not) you sharing details with friends, they have no problem sharing it all with their friends. Some guys like to think their female counterparts, remain silent on the topic of sex, but when they get together with their friends, they talk about everything from size, the length of time he lasted, etc.It is quite an interesting dynamic. LoL
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You’re exactly right haha! It varies person to person.
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Though I obviously can’t speak from any experience, it may also have something to do with the man’s mindset, how he views you and what he enjoys talking about. Plenty of people will never mention X, but when in a room with a specific friend, won’t shut up about it. Some people always have X on their minds and just bring it up casually. Some people just find X a suitable topic for casual conversation. With how liberally people discuss everything nowadays, sex has the potential to be an X topic: just something else people talk about whenever they want to.
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I concur. His mindset helps determine the extent of his behavior, and what he considers appropriate and what he considers inappropriate. I know from personal experience that both sides have no qualms discussing sex with their friends, where some friends may discuss the topic more openly than others. In conclusion however, they all share information. They (females–in my experience) may tell their partner they hate to “kiss and tell,” but the reality plays out differently.
For the ones posing this question though, I think they genuinely want the information kept between one another, and if information is shared, play-by-play details are frowned upon. They may not mind, “Yes, we had sex.” However, they will take issue if he shares that, “I did (blank), (blank) and then I did (blank).”
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Girls kiss and tell too…
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What’s interesting is women/girls seem more likely to share when they think they are in a secure/good relationship…this somehow validates the sex or “kissing”. In this way a woman may share her exploits with a friend and avoid being seen as slutty…I am kinda guess at this but it seems to fit with what I’ve seen.
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I wanted to make sure when I wrote this, that both sides are capable of “kissing and telling,” because I know it happens from experience. Personally, I used to give play-by-play details in high school, but that stopped after I discovered my wife. I simply didn’t see the need to share any longer, and the same applies to my other friends. They don’t share details with the long-term relationships they are in, but before these respective relationships, that wasn’t the case.
This is why I connected his sense of maturity as an important role, in his decision to adjust what he shares.I think, and this is just an opinion if I base the following explanation on my female friends; they don’t mind sharing details with their friends because it’s simply just another thing to talk about. Whereas with my male friends, we don’t see this as something to talk about. We could talk for hours if she were just “some girl,” but a long-term partner–details about sex with her, seems like another language that we refuse to speak.
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I had to really think this one through, as part of what I do involves talking openly about sex including all the mechanical details. I also write about sexual encounters in a fictional sense. However, there is a big difference between educational instruction or fiction writing and “kiss and tell”. I wouldn’t write or talk about a sexual encounter in a real sense unless I had a very good reason to do so and also my partners consent. You’re right, it would be disrespectful
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Thank you much for sharing your perspective, after providing some of your time on my side of the blogosphere.
” I wouldn’t write or talk about a sexual encounter in a real sense unless I had a very good reason to do so and also my partners consent. You’re right, it would be disrespectful.”
I respect this position because in my opinion, it is a reflection of maturity. Writing about body exploration in a fictional sense, occurs through the perspective of creativity. I also feel that open dialogue involving body exploration (sexual assault, etc), especially in a professional setting, disconnects from the notion of “kiss and tell.” Thank you for understanding this.
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Nice read on this one.
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Thank you much. I have an interesting relationship with my posts. I sometimes dislike some after they upload, whereas I find myself drawn to others even more, after they upload.
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