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Communication, Couples, Dating, Dating Tips, Love, Marriage, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Personal, Reflection, Relationships, Romance, Thoughts
Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are not always easy for the individuals involved. They can appear like rainbows and sunshine one second, and in the next, it seems like the beginning of World War III.
On a personal level, I do not yell, use profanity or say things maliciously, whenever I do not see eye-to-eye with someone.
My parents would often say that I am the quietest of all their children. I believe that character trait blended into other areas of my life.
I also imagine this has something to do with my conversation style today, whenever I become part of a disagreement with my wife and other loved ones.
I am surely not perfect, and I have to say this before the lunatics come out stipulating that I have an ego, based on the information thus far. LoL.
I have faults, but fighting unfairly during a disagreement is not one of them. In other words, hitting someone below the belt to deliver as many low blows as possible, especially when it does not relate to the disagreement.
This brings to mind today’s topic. The topic involves all relationships, but specifically, relationships of the romantic persuasion.
What is your partner’s emotional age? Do you know it? Are you even aware of what I am referring to?
I am a big kid at heart, so I am childish in many ways. I find new methods to make my wife laugh, thus the reason she calls me her son.
However, when it comes time to have a serious conversation, especially when it involves a disagreement, that boy remains tucked deep within. His presence is not suitable at this point.
What am I referring to, when I ask if you know your partner’s emotional age? Your emotional age refers to how you behave, while in the midst of a disagreement with someone.
Your partner could be the age of 65 and yet, whenever there is a disagreement, their reaction and behavior is akin to a toddler or teenager.
On the other hand, you could have an 18-year-old couple where they are able to disagree and fight fairly, as mature individuals twice their age.
Your emotional age during an argument, does not necessarily coincide with your actual age.
Depending on your partner’s emotional age, disagreements in the relationship can complicate the bond you share with one another.
In fact, you may dread discussing anything, because you fear or simply do not want to be bothered, by their emotional age during a disagreement.
Knowing your partner’s emotional age is incredibly important, especially in the beginning stage of your courtship.
This is the time for you to determine if you can envision being with this person long-term. No one can make that decision for you, but you of course.
Can you imagine yourself living with someone, who uses low-blow tactics whenever there is a disagreement?
Bob: Darling. I thought we agreed about this, but there is another charge for $10K on the recent credit card statement. We both agreed to be frugal during the next 12 months. Why did you spend $10K?
Susan: You are no different from your abusive father. Every chance you get, you micromanage my every move. If you don’t want a wife to look beautiful, why don’t you go back and live with that ugly mother of yours? I am sure she will need the company, since she couldn’t make your loser of a father stay with her.
This is clearly an example from my imagination, but not completely far-fetched from reality. In this example, his wife’s emotional age is like a popular girl from high school, who’s unable to accept no as an answer.
Why is it important to know your potential, or existing partner’s emotional age? In my opinion, it helps you determine a few things—two things to be exact.
First, if you are not yet committed, knowing their emotional age can help you determine if taking the next step is the right decision.
Secondly, if you decide to proceed into a relationship with someone, being aware of their emotional age will provide assistance with your approach for eventual disagreements.
Regardless where you are in a relationship, it is a good idea in my opinion, to understand your partner’s emotional age.
Keep in mind, when I mention emotional age, I am solely referring to how people conduct themselves during a disagreement.
However, this is my opinion. I am more interested in reading yours. Looking back now, what were some of the emotional ages of your partners? What would you consider your emotional age?
One Gentleman's Perspective 
Really interesting issue that you have raised well here. I believe one’s emotional age is far more significant then their actual age. Being in a committed relationship myself I find it that there are times when we both can behave like a bunch of toddlers inching to get our own points across and just finding ways to prove our points. But at the same time we also are incredibly mature and beyond our ages so I have been told and can seek logical reasoning’s and come to fair conclusions. He is couple of years older than me, but I believe I am emotionally older and wiser. Emotional age is really such an significant feature in relationships.
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Thanks for taking the time to read this message, and then offering your response. I only try to write something with substance, or if I am adding a different spin on the topic. If I cannot, I will scrap the plan. I create these posts weeks and sometimes months in advance. At times the writing is not fleshing out well, so I save it into a draft and move onto something else. LoL. I liked this one because the topic is not one I encountered before, so I was looking to deliver my take on the subject.
The emotional age is most definitely, in my opinion, a critical piece of the relationship. It can in situations, make or break the connection you have with someone.
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No problem at all, you do a great job every time to be honest. Your perspective always has me certainly pondering over issues discussed. Your literature is always a pleasure to read. And indeed it is, perhaps this if this was something people considered sooner then there woudn’t be so many broken hearts lol.
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I greatly appreciate the kind sentiment. According to my wife, the posts usually connects with people because whenever she reads one, it causes her to think about XYZ.
I definitely agree with you, because I am thinking back now, and the emotional age observation would have been important to understand as a teenager. LoL. As they say, “you live and you learn.”
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I like this. Well said. 😉
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Thank you. I did as well. There are some posts that I upload and enjoy reading, but then there are posts I upload where I have no idea why I decided to create and share. LoL. But with this one, I like the energy it created.
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Such a great post!
I was supposed to get married this summer to a graduate of the Naval Academy with a Harvard MBA who is now the CEO of a small company. By all accounts, he seemed responsible, intelligent, grounded, etc. But his EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (or lack thereof) is the reason our engagement failed.
Every time a decision had to be made, he would oscillate between extreme emotions, being angry and then breaking down in tears. He was passive aggressive and would kiss me all over and then tell me I’m so Type A that he thought I would drive him to have an affair if we got married. He was about 6 years old from an emotional perspective.
Best line: “When it comes time to have a serious conversation, especially when it involves a disagreement, that boy remains tucked deep within. His presence is not suitable at this point.” – So much wisdom in this!!! Be fun-loving and playful, but know when to put the boy away and be the MAN.
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I greatly appreciate you taking a moment to read this post, and then sharing your perspective on the topic. With this individual, he pretty much fit all of the items on your checklist perhaps, and yet, this one thing was able to make the entire foundation crumble. In your example, the emotional age/stability is incredibly significant.
“He was about 6 years old from an emotional perspective.”
Hilarious. LoL. My wife would say this is how I behave when we are being playful. It’s a great feeling, because she cannot stop laughing. However, there is always a time and a place for this inner-child of mine. What you described in your response was far too much to handle on a consistent basis, especially when you take marriage into consideration.
Thanks again for your time. I appreciate the response.
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Another great, and really important post. I agree with hajrakhan11 that emotional age in arguments is actually much more important than our actual age. Further, it’s probably one of the most important characteristics in a potential partner. Unfortunately it’s not one we really look at and see as important until it’s too late.
Fact – everyone is different and has different ideas, opinions and personalities. Due to this, we WILL have conflict. That’s not a bad thing. Conflict is simply the way we gain mutual understanding and try to improve our relationships.
Therefore being able to deal with conflict is one of the best skills we can gain in a relationship. If one party “takes there toys and plays in the corner on their own” every time there is conflict, it’s really hard to move forward.
I think dealing with conflict is a lifelong skill for couples, and one they will have to work on their whole lives.
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Nicely said, indeed its about how we manage to deal with conflict that also sums up our emotional age I think. Conflict is an inevitable part of a relationship and life in general but its how you deal with this conflict that is of significance.
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@Zombiedrew
It’s always a pleasure Drew. I hope you have been well lately. I consider the emotional age a defining element in the relationship. In many situations, when they conflict heavily, it could potentially lead to a destructive relationship and possibly lead to its end.
“everyone is different and has different ideas, opinions and personalities. Due to this, we WILL have conflict.”
I agree wholeheartedly and like you said, that is not a bad thing. As much as we have similarities in the relationship, my wife and I still have differences. Both sides of this coin allows us to have a symbiotic relationship. We often say one hand washes the other, because there are things that she keeps me focused on, and there are things I keep her focused on. Her strengths are sometimes my weakness and my strengths are her weaknesses.
“I think dealing with conflict is a lifelong skill for couples, and one they will have to work on their whole lives.”
Another great line. It is a lifelong journey, which is why communication is so important for me.
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Interesting… I have always seemed to deal with men who were not able to describe their feelings. I don’t know if I can put this into an emotional age number. I just referred to them as emotional hermits.
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Thanks for stopping by and sharing your perspective. I actually have an answer for that, but it is far too much to type here. LoL.
“I have always seemed to deal with men who were not able to describe their feelings.” There are definitely reasons that this occurs, and the topic is one I think I can write a book on. LoL.
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“Knowing your partner’s emotional age is incredibly important, especially in the beginning stage of your courtship.
This was a really beautiful one. I always appreciate the way you can go deep into the matter and tell the exact points which most of the readers can relate with.
Its very important to have an emotional maturity in life. I have seen some old people behaving immaturely and some young people behaving maturely. I have always thought about this topic. I thought that when we become old, we will be emotionally very much mature. I talked about this with my husband recently. Married couples often confront this problem. It will be shocking during the first years, to understand that the partner lacks emotional stability. Then it will depend on the emotionally mature partner to drive their life to the happy or the miserable end. Lol.
In our life, we both had sometimes shown immaturity. But not at the same time. So, i think in marriage we should grow together by supporting one another. It will come to a happy end if both of the partners are willing. If not, its very sad .
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Thank you for reading this post, and replying with this thoughtful response. I am always humbled by the comments, because you never know how others will react. My wife loves my writer and raves about it, but I am not such a huge fan as she is. LoL. Whenever someone enjoys the message, she likes to playfully “rub it in my face.” Thank you for the kind words I wrote this post after reflecting on my past behavior in relationships, and then assessing the person I am now in this marriage.
“Its very important to have an emotional maturity in life. I have seen some old people behaving immaturely and some young people behaving maturely.”
You are correct, in my opinion. Maturity is such an interesting topic, especially for the reason you mentioned above.
“I thought that when we become old, we will be emotionally very much mature.”
This too is my belief, but you then encounter people twice your age and even older, who seem to have the emotional age of a child, due to the manner they act during a disagreement.
“So, i think in marriage we should grow together by supporting one another. It will come to a happy end if both of the partners are willing.”
I agree. Marriage is like the process of playing on a team. Regardless of your position, your ultimate goal is to assist and work with one another to “win.” When you enter into a relationship as individuals, completely undermining that it is a team sport, in the manner I mention above, you forget the part about assisting one another and reaching for the same goal–succeeding as a couple. I see this often, and even in my past relationships, this was my behavior. With maturity, that all changed.
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Great post! In my household we are pretty evenly matched now, but there has been a definite growing-up process in the 20+ years we have been together. I have a checkered childhood that triggers fight-and-flight type responses, and DH used to be extraordinarily dog-with-a-bone persistent when it came to conflict and disagreement. He failed to recognize that his insistence upon complete resolution would wear me down to the point of giving up, giving in, and breed resentment, which would lie dormant in me until our next disagreement. A separation and marital counseling tuned both of us up on our communication skills, because we were both at fault for the breakdowns.
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Thank you ma’am. I always enjoy that you connect the post with a personal story. It delivers a strong message for me. Your messages often show a story of accountability and growth. This is absent for so many. It is something that I admire greatly, especially when we are in a social media age when so many do not care about accountability.
I learn something new whenever we engage in dialogue. I think each of your message delivers a lesson. Then again, they do say you learn something new everyday.
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I love that so many of your posts relate to basic, day-to-day, relatable issues everyone faces and deals with, yet so many of us were turned out into “adulthood” without a clue as to what we were doing or how to deal with situations in a mature fashion. “Emotional age” reminds me that many of us had limited, poor, or no role models, no positive examples to give us direction on what it is to communicate effectively much less disagree and resolve conflicts fairly.
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I’ve actually been thinking about this one a lot lately. I feel the average person can vary in emotional age with disagreements…depending on how deep it hits the heart or “pride” of a person…something that we want to protect…wonder if our emotional soft spots probably exist because of emotional injuries in the past…and maybe some people don’t really understand how to work through those things and deal with those issues in the same manner in the time frame in which they were wounded…teenage wound…teenage response to a problem.
eg. A little girl is abused and when she grows up she will not take any form of abuse…her boy friend is just playing around but wrestles her around with his full strength and she fells powerless…brings her back to that moment. To protect herself she takes the nearest thing to her…her shoe and starts beating him with it, saying “NO MAN WILL EVER PUSH ME AROUND FULL FORCE EVER!” She is enraged and doesn’t care at all if he leaves the relationship cause in her mind he’s a _______.
Then on the opposite spectrum (these are just my thoughts) when we’ve been through tough situations even just watching how our parents deal with conflict, many times those are the people that deal with things with more maturity because it’s been modeled for them by parents, mentors, grandparents, etc.
eg. Same example, different person…her response. “I don’t mind being playful, but I would just ask you to please treat me like a lady, not like one of your buddies. If you can’t respect that, this may not be the best relationship for either of us.” She acts with dignity and respect and if he doesn’t respect her she lets it roll off her shoulders and isn’t angry or moved by it…but she also puts it back in his ball park , considering that him in the relationship…”respect and if not this isn’t good for EITHER of us.”
And then sometimes it just has to do with predisposition and temperament.
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Please forgive this delayed response. My last upload was almost two weeks ago. I hope you are well.
It is amazing how we become adults, because through our childhood, this is where we learn right from wrong. Sometimes, our guardians intentionally or unintentionally show us that wrong means right, and right means wrong. Like the sponges we are as children, we soak up this conditioning.
Our childhood conditioning, but also how we handle things outside of the home, dictate our overall character. Even in the face of a difficult upbringing, we are still able to go opposite of what the environment could have created. However, everyone is not able to take a bad situation and create a transformation, so that is something I keep in mind also.
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