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Beginning every Wednesday if material presents itself, I will upload a post under the umbrella of One Gentleman’s Truth. I will address a question or statement, expressed by someone online and even through offline encounters. This concept fulfills the goal where you can Ask A Gentleman’s Perspective.
With each post on Wednesday reflecting One Gentleman’s Truth, I must follow a strict guideline, all in the name of maintaining respect and integrity.
- When the information involves a personal event, such as someone experiencing infidelity and wondering why a person with everything would cheat, I will make up names for each member involved.
- I will never express anything without the other individual’s permission.
- Whenever I provide a response, it will always be through one gentleman’s perspective. It will not be a sugar-coated, sprinkled with chocolate chip, and a cherry on top response. If your goal is to receive an agreement, with your preexisting conclusion, neither One Gentleman, nor anyone else can help you. Therefore, I would advise you to glance in the mirror and have a one-sided discussion with yourself. Do not be that guy or girl who asks questions, yet have no intent on actually listening to the speaker. You simply want someone to agree with you.
Now, let us get to the good stuff.
I haven’t had sex with my wife in 12 months. I’m not perfect and I know I have my faults, but this is bull****. How the F*** could you go an entire year without having sex and yet, the moment she wants something from me, all of a sudden sex is important.
A few years ago, I remember walking through our front door and having to loan her friend a few thousand dollars, in order to help pay school tuition. She didn’t say this outright, instead, as soon as I put my things down, she kissed me. Mind you, I’m pissed it has been a year, so I didn’t stop her. She grabs my hand and walks me upstairs into the bedroom.
After we finish, this chick has the nerve to look me in the face, where she then gives a very familiar look. I knew right away, she was after something. Christion, we have to talk. I want us to give Alexandra a loan, because she needs some help with bills. You already know her husband doesn’t help with anything.
Long story short, I gave her the money but I knew this wasn’t a loan. I never get the money back whenever her friends or family needs my help. This is bull****. I’m sick of it, I’m sick of her, so I started going to a few strip clubs. Just looking at these women, I hated her even more. After five minutes there, a short and unbelievably sexy Dominican girl tapped me on the shoulder.
Here I was talking about my wife, in front of a stripper, yet my body was only craving affection. She said that most women would die to have a guy like me and I deserve better, because my wife is an idiot. I don’t know why it happened, but she told me to wait until she gets off. Dude, we had sex.
There is a long pause and I know he is waiting for a response. However, it is clear that this guy has never really experienced a moment, where he is able to release his thoughts. I obviously decided against responding.
I’m not even feeling bad about it. 12 months and no sex. Are you serious? Who the heck does she think I am? It’s not even about the sex…it’s everything. We don’t talk, don’t hold hands, and kiss…nothing. What would you have done? Was I wrong for cheating?
WOW! While listening, that was the first thing that came to mind. Did this married man actually tell me, that he has not experienced sexual contact with his wife in 12 months? That’s scary, disgusting, and extremely depressing.
There are so many elements in this story, especially the sex angle. According to several older guys I know, sex diminishes severely upon marriage.
As a young newlywed hearing that sex diminishes after the wedding, it is quite disheartening. Lol.
Nonetheless, since this is serious topic, I have to put on my serious cap.
First, why would you not seek marriage counseling? This is the first thing I brought up. Apparently, he said she was completely against doing so. Okay! Did you ever express your concerns for the lack of emotional and physical connection?
According to him, he did but an argument always ensues, where she blames him and he blames her. Okay! Since neither party wishes to take any blame, marriage counseling is not realistic, and neither individual understands what a marriage actually means, one thing comes to mind. Why remain in this marriage at all?
Since that discussion is far too long, I will only address his questions.
What would I have done?
Realistically and I know my wife will read this, I dare her to withhold sex for 12 months. I triple dare you. LoL. I am kidding. Okay, time to put back on my serious cap.
I do not believe in cheating. I simply refuse to believe cheating is ever an option. If we no longer have an emotional connection, combined with a lack of a physical union, what exactly do we have? We have nothing.
A monogamous relationship is between two people—two people who respect, trust and cherish the very being of the other person.
When you no longer have this, you no longer have a relationship. It is time to move on. Having sex with an outside party will not help here.
If she refuses to tackle all of the issues at the bottom of this 12-month dry spell, and salvaging the relationship is now impossible, she obviously does not respect you.
When you have a relationship with a woman who does not respect you, it is one of the worst positions to find yourself.
Was I wrong for cheating?
Right, wrong…these words do not belong in this conversation. Remove judgment and look at the facts. Were you wrong to cheat?
I would not have cheated, because in my perspective, it does not solve the root of the problem. Were you right to cheat? Once again, how did this solve your problem at home? Yes, you finally had sex with someone, but the exotic dancer did not place you on a 12-month dry spell—your wife did.
In the rare cases where the person caught cheating somehow has their relationship strengthened, those are rare cases. Cheating in its natural state damages everything.
The only way to fix a relationship where someone or both parties refuse counseling, respect has diminished and communication is nonexistent, you go your separate ways.
There is no greater pain in a relationship, than finding yourself emotional stuck, with no resolution in sight.
I believe that life is the longest, and yet shortest thing a human being can possess. Why would you spend another minute living in misery?
This relationship is a shackle, and you forever remain anchored in one position, because you refuse to acknowledge the existence of this shackle. She is not entirely to blame and you are not entirely to blame—you both are to blame.
No person should remain in a loveless, emotionless and empty relationship. Imagine that you have several bank accounts and inside these accounts, you have $10 billion dollars.
Who would not want that? Now imagine, regardless of the various forms of identification you supply to these banks, you cannot access the accounts.
You have $10 billion dollars, however, you cannot spend a dime. That is what a loveless, emotionless and empty relationship is like. They are both utterly pointless. A relationship is supposed to breathe life into your very being—not remove it.
Your next step is to legally dissolve the marriage, which you know physically and emotionally ended long ago. Do not hold onto that which is no longer yours.
There are great unions and sometimes there are unions that rid you of all positive energy, leaving only remnants of the person you used to be. An emotionless, loveless and sexless marriage is not normal.
It is a crime against the relationship, when someone dangles sex as a punishment, or prize for their partner.
Really good one. I am on the other side of the fence. It is my husband who doesn’t want any action.
I do agree; cheating solves nothing (and I haven’t). It’s much better to just end things and move on, but I am struggling with that one.*sigh*
One Gentleman said:
That’s awful. There’s no punchline for that, because it’s an awful thing to experience. From the pain in the voice of the person I addressed in this post, it’s mentally and physically draining. On the outside looking in, it’s easier to pass judgment when the person cheats, which is why I didn’t. I can understand why someone cannot have sex for medical reasons, but to maliciously and willingly withhold sex…that’s bloody awful. There should be an unwritten rule against this. I’m not referring to someone being tired, stressed, etc…but the situations where they withhold sex maliciously.
Do you understand why he has decided to withhold? There’s always a reason, but sometimes they don’t let the other party know. I can understand the struggle of leaving. How long have you guys been married? Children? This is an awful position to be in. Thank you very much for reading and giving your opinion. I appreciate it.
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We’ve been married 22 years ( 2 children). All was good for the firdy 16 years. I’ve wondered if he was cheating, but can find no evidence. Also, we work together, so we are always together. I don’t see how he would have the time.
So frustrating. I stay because I don’t want to get in a battle for the children.
One Gentleman said:
Good evening and a very blessed day to you. It seems parenting may have taken a toll on him, to the point he is not able to tackle these feelings effectively. You were married for 22 years, but things took a slight turn over the past six. I presume the children are now teenagers, if you guys had children right away that is.
Cheating is one of those things we can assume, but can never have solid evidence without actually seeing it occur, or hearing directly from the other person. On the outside looking in, I would say to reject burdening your already damaged thoughts, with the idea of whether he cheated. That’s far too much for you to tackle, with everything else you have mentioned.
Knowing that you worked together, that adds another element that is able to burden a marriage. I’ve heard from several of my elders, that working together can place a heavy weight on the relationship. This is due to the lack of having enough me time. In a general sense of course, when you see someone day in and day out in all facets of your lives, a sense of contempt bubbles. It festers a bit, until even minor things causes you to either blow up on the other individual, or completely shut them out due to this disdain.
I have witnessed an older advisor go through a divorce, which had children in the mix. He explained the hatred he had for his wife, after the dirty tricks she tried to use, by incorporating the children. Though she earned more than he did, he still had to provide spousal support, give up their house in Long Island and provide support for the children.
So, am I the best person to tell you to abandon the marriage? I surely would not say so. What I can say is that this falls in line with the old proverb where it is cheaper to keep her, which means there is far too much negative that comes along with divorcing, that it is better on the wallet and brain to remain. However, tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Not one person can say exactly when they will depart this world. If you knew tomorrow would be your last day, would you remain in the marriage? Have you guys tried counseling?