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Dear trainee,
Before I get to the meat of things, as much as you love drawing now, by the time you enter college, something else will grab your full attention. I know…it sucks, but not really.
Ever since we were young, we did not desire being at the center of attention. Instead, we found great joy writing poetry, and drawing everything in sight. So I know it sounds weird hearing this information.
Think of these outlets of expression, as fuel to ignite a greater purpose. Wait a minute…fix your face. I cannot see your face, but I know exactly what expression is on it right now. Heck, you write poetry and at 13, I definitely recall understanding wordplay like fuel to ignite.
Remember, I am you and you are me, so I know how you think. Therefore, I knew how you would react to that line, the second I wrote it. More importantly, though you are me, the current me will not think exactly as you do any longer. Maturity is a funny thing.
Anyhow, it has been about six years since our last sketch. To you, I know that feels like a lifetime.
I am not sharing this information to diminish your interest for the arts. That could not be any further from the truth. Honestly, I am only showing you that with time, things change. On that note, I want to share something that I know you need to hear.
You are on the right track. However, we are going to make major mistakes along this journey and one in particular, I regret even now.
You are trying to fit in, and say the things all of your friends are saying about girls. You are trying to follow a pattern, because any guy who refuses, hears at least one of the following:
You haven’t tapped that yet. Is something wrong with your game dude?
Come on dude…don’t tell me you’re a virgin. HaHa. Yo! This guy has never got any p****.
I get it, we did it to fit in. However, deep down a part of you would always question this approach. In a group that highlights popularity by the number of girls that you have sex with; they consider a guy who questions this approach as being lame, or a sucker for love.
You know how both girls and guys alike, end up treating so-called lames. We sure as heck did not want to be on the receiving end of their taunts.
Looking back now, I believe the guy who questions this approach, is simply a young gentleman in training or trainee, if you will. Hold firm to the doubts you have, when it comes to this approach with girls.
It is important that you do. I know that saying this is going against the rules, by providing future information. However, we eventually create a movement of sorts, instilling the lifestyle of a gentleman.
In fact, our goal is to begin with people as young as possible. The earlier the better.
I look back now and while in high school for most boys, I view it like a 12-round boxing match. However, instead of another contender, you are battling against sex. There is no room to lose, and no room for error.
Each time you enter the ring, you must win each round. In every battle, fight or war, someone has to lose. It is a numbers game, so you try to gain as many wins as possible.
You forever chase a number, which is usually unattainable, but to what end? Yeah, sex is great, but as an immature male, you do not yet understand the damage you are doing.
Keep in mind, in a war, battle or fight, there is a winner and of course a loser. So if you win, who loses? In this situation, we view the girl as the loser, because she is giving up more of herself, but that is unimportant at your age. It is all about chasing that number.
Guess what, in a few years, you are going to understand the pain that the loser goes through. Enough so, even one of your closest friends who everyone considers a dirt bag towards women, pulls you aside and scolds you.
Just imagine that, Mike Tyson telling boxers to take it easy on their opponent. There I go again, giving you future information.
You are not a full-time dirt bag; you were just looking to fit in. I know it…heck, even your friends are fully aware. Nevertheless, the girl you encounter several years from now, she will say something you will never forget.
Why do we only hangout when you want to have sex?
We had no idea we were doing this to her, because it was not intentional. Look, I am not condoning what we did, but I see now that we were naive. I am not going to tell you who she is, or exactly when it will happen.
The incident is one amongst many, which will help push us from gentleman trainee to a gentleman. However, I have to say now, her words will echo for a very long time. Slowly, you begin to change how you view women.
You eventually apologize and she accepts, but you can never give back a girl’s virginity. You are not a full-time dirt bag. I know it…heck, even your friends are fully aware.
Sadly, we were irresponsible, immature and did not realize just how important sex means to a girl, especially a virgin.
I know what you are thinking; how in the world were we not aware, that we only made contact with her to have sex. Well, we actually did enjoy spending time with her, and we were friends. You saw sex as simply an added bonus. It was never the only thing, with the connection we shared with her.
It just so happens, we had sex whenever we spent time together. In our eyes, it did not define our connection with her. Instead, sex was one of the many things we shared.
There is a big difference in our eyes, but to her, there were no differences. This right here is an example of a major breakdown in communication. She was genuinely a good person, and sometimes what we consider business as usual, is mistreatment in the eyes of another.
I have to go now, but I have to share one more thing before I do. We both know how much we hate when people reveal information about a show, or movie we have yet to see. Well, although I am an adult now, I am as silly as ever.
On that note, here is a list of soon-to-be canceled television shows that we love: The Parkers, X-Men Evolution, BeastMaster, The X-Files and the Animaniacs. LOL.
Best,
A mature version of you
That’s an interesting letter to write to yourself. I thought about something similar a few months ago. I read an article about male sexuality, and it dawned on me that as a gender we mistreat women, and then we wonder why our relationships fail. I think that sex plays a much different role than we think. For example when you have sex, hormones and chemicals are released. Whether we know it or not, or bodies are bonding and trying to make a deeper connection. When we think that it’s just sex, we’re not mentally engaged, and we’re going against the natural tendencies of our bodies.
Couple this with the emphasis we put on sex, meaning that people consider that a sign of a good relationship, rather than compatibility of their values, beliefs, or faith (I’m using faith loosely here, more like your spirituality). While sex is important, it shouldn’t be at the top of your list, it is an important factor in a healthy relationship; just not the most important one. So in essence we put sex higher than it should be, we’re not considering the things that actually make a relationship last longer. Then on top of that we see sex as just sex, we don’t realize that each time we have sex, our bodies are seeking to connect with the other person. We treat sex as something that is physical, without realizing that it is a Mind, Body, and Soul experience; it shouldn’t be taken lightly. That is kinda the thought process I was going through when I wrote my “Coming into my Masculinity full circle”
I liked that you said to hold on to the things you like, such as your sketching and writing, because those are the things that will keep you grounded. I’ve been struggling to find my purpose, to find a way to incorporate what I love into a career. Sometimes your gift might not be best served in a career. Sometimes it’s best served outside of your career, and even as a hobby. I said something yesterday “Happiness is what you find on your journey, happiness isn’t the destination.” Following that thought, if you find time to incorporate things you’re passionate about in your daily life, you will be happy, because you’re enjoying the journey. Careers tend to take up much of your time, you have a vision or goal in sight, but it doesn’t always mean that you’ll end up there.
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My wife read the draft and asked for me to clarify a few things. She loved it. She thought it fit well with my concept of One Gentleman’s Perspective, because to her, this letter shows the maturation of the boy I used to be. It was actually fun writing this, so I decided to create a letter for different stages of my life.
I will not lie and say there isn’t a place for sexual release, or that all girls should receive the treatment of a Queen. I surely do not believe this, because a girl who has sex with an entire football team, will not receive the same treatment as my mother or sisters.
All ladies are women, but not all women are ladies. However, on a general level, young boys are not taught how to set distinctions between a good girl and a “not-so-good-girl.” They then treat all girls as the same. In other words, there is no good or bad…they are all simply a sexual release.
Looking back now, this was a horrible perspective to have. I’m lucky because I matured. Sadly, there are guys older than me, who still view all women as a sexual release. I cannot change them, but I can adjust the thinking of the next generation.
“When we think that it’s just sex, we’re not mentally engaged, and we’re going against the natural tendencies of our bodies.” Smart man you are. Can sex be fun without a strong connection? It can, but if I compare body exploration sessions with my wife, to those where I was simply engaging for the sake of engaging…the latter loses every single time.
You are right yet again. We place sex higher than the things we should prioritize. Of course sexual energy is significant in a relationship, but if other things are out of sync, all the great sex cannot maintain the relationship as a whole. Great sex in a poor relationship, can only maintain the relationship for a time frame. Once that time is up, your relationship dissolves.
Instead of doing what you love to build a career from there, why not simply do what you love and allow things to occur on their own? You have a great mind and I see this through your writing. You may not know it or believe it, but you have a great perspective on life.
Similar to what you have conveyed, the passion we have for something, may have to take a back seat in order to maintain our living for the time being. Your passion will naturally find a way to become part of your life as a whole, versus simply being a hobby. What do you find yourself being passionate about?
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I’ve been looking a lot at what it takes to foster a Healthy Relationship. For the first time I can say that I’m giving a lot of thought to what I want and expect out of a partner. While I may not have had much relationship experience, that doesn’t take away from the thoughts in my head. I feel as though I’m thinking about all the right things, afterall we go into a marriage to stay together Forever right? So why not possess the tools to see it through. I’ve mentioned a book called “Sacred Search” in some of my writing, it was both great to read and depressing. I was having a conversation with a close female friend, I bounce all my crazy ideas through her. She kept saying “Vance you HAVE to read this book” it was part of a class put on by my church, but I couldn’t attend due to work. Many of the thought I was having that I told her about, were exactly what was written in the book. While it’s exciting that I’m on the right track, it also dawned in me how few people consider these things; boy finding a wife is going to be WORK.
As for what you said about work and my passion, I’m living that way now. I had always strived to find a job that would be fulfilling. I really enjoyed what I did in the Marines, I got to work on Helicopters. I also learned that I liked helping people, after the Marines, I tried my hand in Sales. While it is technically helping people, it’s not quite what I’m passionate about. Looking back, I’ve always been giving my friends relationship advice. Whether it’s Counseling or Life Coaching, I feel that those would be ideal Careers for me. I’ve not been able to pursue any of those yet, but I’ve noticed that I’ve still been able to help people who were struggling with their relationships. That’s when I realized that perhaps it’s not for me to be one of those careers, and maybe through what I’m doing now, I’ll be in a position to help those who need the help. In essence, I’m RIGHT where I’m needed the MOST. Lol since that’s a bit of a new concept for me, that’s what I mean by I’m struggling to find a career that works for my calling.
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I hope your weekend went well. I must say, your approach is a great angle to take, before heading into a relationship. You are dedicating time to yourself, in order to better understand what you desire from yourself and your partner. As opposed to entering a relationship for the sake of being with someone, you are giving yourself time to get to know more about you.
This is something so many overlook, and then wonder why the relationship did not meet their standards. Well, you did not set any. Lol.
Marriage is supposed to be forever, but the way we generally view relationships today, it is like an accessory. The moment you are bored or see something “better,” as opposed to appreciating what you have, you dash for the exit for a new accessory. It is a shame really. Marriage takes work, but anything worth having is never easy.
When you encounter a person who makes the simplest things appear amazing, that is a relationship worth having. I have this with my wife. Regardless what is necessary to have a successful marriage, because of everything she brings to the table, I will put in whatever work is required.
Did you ever, even if for a slight moment, consider making a career in the Marines? I could definitely view you in a position of counseling others. It comes through the manner you engage in our conversations. This is not something a person can fake. The counseling aura seems natural with you. But as you mentioned above, you are right where you are needed most.
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Thank you for your feedback. Now that I’m being intentional in my search for a wife, it seems a daunting task, knowing what I know now, has really opened my eyes as to how important it is.
What you said about being a “good woman” yourself if you’re looking for a “good man” has really resonated with me. While I have very specific qualities that I’m looking for in a mate, it’s also important that I possess those also, or at the least be working on them.
You’re actually right on the money about being a Counselor, thankfully I am aware that I have that gift. That is why I started writing down my thoughts, I noticed how my words have helped those around me. I would say there seems to be a few obstacles in front of me. Going back to school would be first on the agenda, and financially I’m not sure if I can take that burden right now. I’m considering re-locating to be closer to family. So a big part of me doesn’t want to start making plans to go to School if I’ll be moving. A friend suggested I get involved in my church in the mean time. I’ve just made changes to my schedule that will give me greater flexibility to actualize that goal
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When you make a discovery about yourself, and the things you truly consider a priority with a partner, it can appear difficult on the surface. But beneath it all, it really makes the process that much easier. With this understanding, you are fully aware when and if to sever tie, when you encounter someone who is incompatible, versus continuing the bond for months on end, all to separate eventually.
You knew deep down it wouldn’t work, but you remained anyhow. LoL. This was my story by the way. When you learn more about yourself and what you desire, it minimizes this from occurring.
I hear women often, making a high-end list of priorities that he must have, yet they are void of these same requirements. I am a gentleman through and through, and the words appear romantic, etc…however, I am not a pushover and I will speak the truth. LoL. I am going to call you out on the hypocrisy.
I let them know that If they are looking to have a man, meet all of these requirements, they should fill them also. The problem with saying this: the moment you say this to women, you become a misogynist or some other silly term. Speaking the truth equates to you being a bad guy. LOL Honestly, you can become a motivational speaker without going back to school .I have encountered several life coaches, who seem successful via Instagram. The common denominator is their passion–not the school history. The funny thing is that none of them have an educational background, in the arena of coaching. I think it is a great idea to begin at church
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Very good points here too. For me I think there’s differences with being assertive, an a-hole, or a push over. While I have a general positive demeanor, some people have learnt not to mistake my kindness for weakness. As far as other people’s opinions about me, I generally don’t worry about it. I think I probably know what’s best for me, given my desires for my life. I’ve inherited a “too bad” attitude. If I’m saying something you don’t like, lol “that sounds like your problem not mine.”
As far as the Counseling thing, I’m learning to take it in stride. I’ll let it take me where I’m needed the most. However I’m going to do things that take me in that direction
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There are vast differences. What I believe is that people refuse to separate the different labels.
When it comes to kindness, I think part of us easily considers the trait a weakness of sorts. Clearly, only weak individuals are taken advantage of. This is the concept behind “kindness as a weakness.” I do not agree of course. I am kind because it is the decent thing to do. Why would I be anything else?
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This is a very interesting (serious and humorous) read about you and your 13 year old self. Thank you for sharing.
I think I should write a letter to my 14 year old self.
❤ carmen
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Thank you ma’am. It’s always a pleasure sharing my thoughts, and then receiving feedback. My wife enjoyed the humor at the end, because I seriously block people out when they try to reveal information. Lol.
My friends do it all the time with NFL games. I tend to record my games and watch at a later point. They like to call and specifically talk about the game, knowing I have yet to watch. Lol
I’ll look out for your letter.
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Not sure my letter to self will be on my blog, but I think it will be fun and therapeutic to write it. At 14 I was a very sweet and innocent young girl, totally naive and sheltered from the adult world I was about to embark on.
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Awesome, and exactly what I’d expect from a gentleman in a letter to himself.
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Thank you for taking the time to read the post. It was an idea from some time ago. However, it was not until recently, I decided to actually put the thoughts online.
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I think this was a great idea. There’s a lot of things I’d love to tell my younger self for sure.
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