It takes a special kind of person to seek, and remain with someone they know is in a relationship. It takes a special kind of person to have a supposedly happy relationship, yet go astray nonetheless.
I am going to do my best, to speak through the thoughts of some I have encountered, who became aware of their partner’s betrayal. However, I will keep this post as gentlemanesque as possible.
It is a bit long, so please give me your attention for a few minutes, because I am grateful for each second you spend on the blog.
As a disclaimer, this post is not to pass judgment on adulterers, nor is the post to pass judgment on the other woman or man.
Instead, the post is a culmination of feelings from the partners caught in this storm, along with my perspective as an outsider looking in.
When I have conversations with people in what they describe as happy relationships, yet are actively involved in affairs, I try to remain unbiased…I really do.
Though person X is in an exclusive relationship, the other woman or man will reference missing person X, whenever person X has to leave the latest rendezvous and return to the permanent relationship. I often think:
How can you feel comfortable knowing you are having relations with someone, clearly in a relationship with someone else?
When the individual in a happy relationship goes astray, they often express how painful the act of cheating was. They say the pain enhances, when they are able to witness the emotional breakdown of their partner, currently facing the betrayal. I often think:
Did you notice this pain before removing your clothes, during the act or the moment after experiencing ecstasy?
I cannot deny their feelings, so I will not say the feelings do not exist. However, I imagine their feelings cannot compare to the partner experiencing a betrayal. I am simply incapable of thinking they can compare.
I came across an article from a husband who cheated on his wife, which was either on Buzzfeed or Huffington Post.
The article tries to explain why someone in a happy relationship will cheat, but also conveying why they are not such bad people. Similar to the many blogs from cheating spouses I encounter, some are conveying a sympathy card of sorts.
I am not here to pass judgment on the infidelity, nor will this address if you are a bad person. Instead, I want to focus on the sympathy card that I see often.
You can save your crocodile tears for the Maury Show. I am going to be brutally honest here, but in this scenario, you are the last person deserving of sympathy.
When we do not allow the cheater and the other woman or man, to understand the nature of their decision, we begin to undermine the behavior.
Believe me; I have heard every excuse under the sun, as to why it is okay to be the other woman or man. However, when you remain with someone in a relationship, that poor decision says a lot about your character.
When you mention having a supposed healthy relationship with your partner, and you still go astray, the decision says a lot about your character. If we were to define your character by that action alone, the assessment would be a negative one.
Perhaps we should refrain from providing the politically correct response, while engaging the adulterer and lover.
As an adulterer, you may want to hear that you just made a mistake and with time, you can make things better. You made a horrible mistake and as imperfect beings, we all make mistakes.
As the other woman or man, you want to hear sympathy; because you were unaware, they were in a relationship from the beginning. You discovered the relationship several months after your introduction, and by then, you had an emotional link. Poor you.
It is not your fault they lied. It is not your fault you fell in love. It is their fault. Why should you have to suffer? Poor baby.
Is it possible that the paramour is unaware they are having an affair, while in the affair? I must admit, this situation can happen. Some cheaters are that good in maintaining multiple relationships. However, let us enter reality for a bit—this is not the majority of affairs.
As the other woman or man, there are signs that you should notice, proving something is amiss in what you consider a relationship. Sometimes, there is a lengthy disappearance. In other situations, it is their inability to answer phone calls in your presence.
However, many choose to deny the clear signs. Interestingly, couples in exclusive relationships will inquire about these signs, yet you allow this person to get away with bloody murder. Stop being naïve.
If you were looking for sympathy, I am sure you can locate a support group. However, you will not find that here. When someone experiences your adulterous betrayal, it is difficult to imagine that you too are are in pain.
1You accidentally slipped into his bed and climbed on top of him, switched positions, climaxed a few times, went home to your partner and prepared dinner. Yes, that seems brutally painful (Sarcasm).
2You have the audacity to say it was a mistake. Really? You accidentally straddled her against the wall, climaxed and eventually fell sleep.
By the time you awoke, you felt sad because you noticed her getting dressed, preparing for dinner plans with her husband. For some reason, we are supposed to feel sympathy because she is ending the relationship with you. Are you serious? What planet are you living on?
When people lend sympathy to those involved in an affair, it is difficult to understand why. I can guarantee the entire value of the United States debt, if they were on the receiving end of an affair, they would not want the other woman or man to receive any sympathy.
For some reason, when they are on the outside looking in, they have no problem giving the other woman or man a sympathy shoulder. They find no issue giving sympathy to the other woman or man, when the cheating occurs with someone else.
However, when infidelity occurs in their relationship, it is now acceptable to wish death on the paramour. How is this not hypocritical?
What are we going to do next, provide sympathy to murderers, because the victim should not have allowed the knife to enter their body 30 times?