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Affair, Cheating, Couples, Culture, Dating, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Personal, Reflection, Relationships, Sex
I do not mind when people share advice, with the adulterer or the paramour. However, the sympathy parade is not on duty here. You did a horrible action, and outsiders should make you fully aware.
On the other hand, if your partner decides to remain after discovering your infidelity, I believe they must come to terms with the betrayal.
In other words, your partner should not decide to constantly remind you of the betrayal. I do not think the reminder will help the relationship to move forward.
However, the outsiders that I am referring to, are friends and strangers listening to your woes, and understanding your behavior as if you are the victim.
If you are in a happy relationship, yet go astray, you are not a victim. One infidelity is not the same as another, so I cannot speak for all adulterous situations.
For this post, I am specifically addressing adulterers involved in happy relationships, who seem to seek sympathy upon the discovery of their infidelity.
You are not a victim. I cannot give sympathy to someone who climaxed multiple times, whereas the girlfriend or wife at home, awaits patiently to celebrate date night. As she is at home preparing for their night out, her partner is elsewhere, venturing across every inch of your body.
You are not a victim. You climaxed multiple times, whereas her boyfriend or husband is at the restaurant, wondering why she is an hour late to their anniversary reservation. You will receive absolutely no sympathy here.
I will share advice, but you need to stop singing this song of Woe is Me. The heck with your woe…we should focus on the trauma of the person you hurt.
To the other woman or man, please understand that there are a number of single men and women in this world—find one. I understand that you specifically, cannot breakup a happy home, because a home in order cannot experience destruction, solely because you were present.
If it were not you, they would simply find another person. There is much lacking from within the cheating partner, so I am not only blaming the paramour. I am placing blame on both individuals. In all scenarios though, the adulterer should receive the brunt of the blame.
As the other woman, your pain should not compare to a woman in love with her high school sweetheart, all to find out he has been in a seven month relationship with you.
As the other man, your pain should not compare to a man who is at home, taking care of the family, yet his partner is inside a hotel room with you.
Your pain is but a speck of dust, floating inside my living room. I am sorry, but I refuse to feel sympathy for you. I find it strange when I read comments and listen to conversations, where the other woman or man receives this rush of sympathy from others.
Personally, I know of men and women, who endure the pain of infidelity. Some of the relationships are less than five years, but I am also aware of a relationship in its 50th year.
In fact, my mum recently contacted me regarding a close friend of hers. This woman is a hardworking woman. She is a woman anyone could find inspiration, simply by hearing her story.
When other couples celebrate milestones with their partner after 30+ years, on her 40th anniversary, she spent the day crying to my mother. Her husband after 40 years revealed a horrible gift.
Not only was he in a relationship with a 25-year-old woman, but he wants a divorce. To add insult to injury, he will not walk away without six of the residential properties she owns. By the way, she purchased all of them with her own money.
If your feelings were hurt by this post—tough cookie. You see, your pain is but a speck of dust in my living room, compared to this woman.
Please, stop seeking sympathy. You do not deserve it, especially not in the same ballpark as people like her.
This is my perspective, but I am interested in knowing yours. Should we give sympathy to the paramour? Should cheaters in happy relationships deserve our sympathy, or should we reserve this solely for the one betrayed?
One Gentleman's Perspective 
Life is messy and complex. And I believe everyone deserves sympathy. Even adulterers and murderers. Because we have no idea what horrors are going on in someone’s mind or heart. But then again I don’t crave sympathy from anyone. All I want is to survive. And I really enjoy your blog btw. Good insights.
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Thanks for sharing your perspective on the post. I am humbled by your enjoyment with the blog. Thank you.
Life is not so black and white in instances, because in between the two spectrums, we experience the gray. I have to agree that people deserve sympathy. However, I think there is a time and an extent as to how we can do so.
While grieving, the last thing you would like to hear on a news report update is sympathy for the murderer, on the anniversary of the loved one’s death, because the murderer was killed in prison.
I think you are right again. There are people craving sympathy from everyone they encounter. They always appear as victims, even when they are responsible for their actions. You don’t smoke six packs per day for 30 years, and then place all the blame on big Tobacco, because you were diagnosed with lung cancer. Infidelity is an interesting topic, because there are countless reasons that can lead people into the arms of other people.
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My husband died by suicide 4 months ago. I found him at the foot of our bed gunshot through his chest. It also blew out the floor so for a month after there was a 3 foot hole in my livingroom ceiling. I was married 26 years and the pain is impossible to describe. He was the love of my life.
So he is also a murderer because he murdered himself. And the aftermath has almost destroyed me. So when you say the last thing a loved one wants is to see sympathy for the murderer, that hurts. Because even though I lost my husband in this way I DO want sympathy shown to him. I want people to know that his pain was horrible and he killed himself to stop the pain.
Simplistic explanations of complex human behaviors and emotions can be very damaging to those dealing with true tragedy.
So please be careful with your judgments. There is pain and horror out here you cannot possibly comprehend. Better to ere on the side of love and compassion when you are safe and sound and only seeing the war on your tv. Four months ago I was much like you. But I will never have the privilege of a life that is normal or safe again. And honestly if he slept with every woman on earth I would just laugh. Everything becomes a minor problem after you have to scrub off pieces of your husbands heart and lungs from your bedroom floor. Peace.
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You are removing the initial discussion, and turning it into something else. I understand because your pain is raw, so that is a clear factor in your response. That is neither right nor wrong, which is what I conveyed in my initial response. However, your response to me is not so unbiased.
We have to be careful when we apply our emotions during a discussion. It clouds everything we are trying to convey. Right now, and justifiably so, your emotions are raw due to losing your husband. My article does not undermine his death, nor does it even relate to instances like his.
Emotions aside, suicide is not murder. Murder is defined as the unlawful killing of one human by another, especially with premeditated malice. Suicide cannot fall into these guidelines. However, due to your pain from this personal situation, your reply blends your emotional connection with your responses.
I was nearly killed at gunpoint by two hoodlums. If they met their end by a tractor trail, which ran them over, as they fled the scene…I wouldn’t shed one tear. You may, but we are two different individuals. I wouldn’t have a speck of sympathy for these cretins. One conclusion is neither wrong nor right.
The key in my perspective, for my specific situation is that I wouldn’t want a news report providing sympathy for their demise, when moments before, I nearly lost my life at their hands. My family wouldn’t want this, nor would my friends.
Where does your understanding of sympathy for the perpetrator end? Should we have sympathy for Hitler? How about Ed Gein? Should the families hear sympathy segments for to serial killers in the news, knowing their relative was a victim, and the attention is removed from the victims?
As I mentioned, there is a time and an extent to giving sympathy to people who commit horrible acts. I am having difficulty understanding how that sentence was overlooked by you, based on the message of my response. Please read my post again. You are interpreting something that is not related to the actual post.
“There is pain and horror out here you cannot possibly comprehend.” It seems you know more about my life than I do. Interesting. My resumé of “life’s woes” is irrelevant here. This was never about whose life is more tragic.
Your husband took his life. I didn’t. You are sharing the raw emotion onto me, as if I wrote a post specifically condemning his suicide. I don’t know you or your husband. Please understand, this post is not about you. If you read this and make it about you, that has more to do with you, than it has to do with me. I think and once again, this is my opinion, but you should remove yourself from reading blogs about infidelity and focus on mourning. The pain is far too raw
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I apologize for my intrusion. I’ll go back into my box.
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Please don’t do that. I enjoy dialogue, regardless if someone agrees or disagrees. Agreeing/Disagreeing was never the point of my post. Your reply was addressing that I have minimal life experiences, therefore, this lack of experience is why I have a guideline of sorts with sympathy. Please, share whatever you like addressing my posts. I only ask that we refrain from acknowledging something in the post, which is not in my post. If there is any “rule” I think we should follow online, I think we should only address exactly what a person says and not what we assume or interpret. I say this because I see it often, and it immediately veers the conversation away from the actual topic. Are you currently in a support group for grieving, or ever attended any?
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no sympathy when you have a healthy loving relationship…No sympathy at all. Evil is evil is evil. Your mom’s friend’s husband is straight up evil…I’d be fighting tooth and nail…many states if you are at fault (adultery) you don’t get NOTHING! That’s how it is in my state adultery is actually against the law and if you divorce the perpetrator is screwed, because the faithful spouse gets whatever they want pretty much.
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Lol. I was waiting for you to respond. Haha. I knew you would “tell it like it is.” Wrong is wrong, and right is right. I am not saying people in sexless, loveless and empty marriages will not want to cheat. However, if you get to this point, seek counseling or leave.
Cheating sucks. It is that simple. It sucks. Unlike movies where you understand things are fictional, this is your life. You can start over with the relationship, but the cheating is still there. It is real. It is a horrible thing to endure, so on a personal level, I do not feel we should share sympathy with anyone except the one wronged. If we do share sympathy, we should be careful in how we decide to do so.
Thank you for also understanding I was specifically addressing people saying they are in “great” or “healthy” relationships. I am sure some may read this, and perceive the post addresses all elements of infidelity. As for the friend of my mum, I explained to my mother on a financial level, she should not worry. I can assist in her financial concerns, but the emotional element is one no courtroom can help with. 40 years…ouch. I can’t imagine the extent of her pain.
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when my ex was having an affair with another woman, it was all over Facebook that we were in a relationship. How do you not notice that or completely ignore that? it takes a really horrible person to cheat on your significant other. But that other person-the one who encourages it selfishly- you are ruining someone else’s life. You are encouraging the bad behavior. You don’t deserve anything, let alone sympathy.
now, I understand why people cheat. But what I don’t understand is why they hide it when they are clearly done with the relationship, but the other person is not.
If the relationship is that bad that you need to cheat, then you need to end it. Dont make the other person suffer because of your choice to be dishonest and throw loyalty out the window.
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Thank you for sharing your time with me, but also your story. Your story is one of the reasons I had to address this idea that many people use, “I had no idea they were in a relationship.” Rightttttt. Does it happen? Of course, but not to extent everyone likes to convey.
You should be able to grasp the differences between right and wrong. These things should impede your decision to seek someone, which you know is in a relationship.
Did he explain the reason for his infidelity, and did you ever communicate with the other woman?
I agree 100 percent. If you are on the verge of cheating, seek counseling or end the relationship. Many disagree because they say I have never cheated and do not have kids yet. They say these things impede me from understanding, why it is not easy to end the relationship. So let me get this straight, ending things is insane, but cheating is normal. Lol. Thanks again. I appreciate your time.
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No he never explained his fidelity, other than making some excuse that he had felt that the relationship had been over when he was unfaithful. But he was unfaithful for months and I was not aware that the relationship was over. In the end, I was the one who found out about her… Thanks to Facebook… I ended it via texting him a picture of the video in which I found them making out.
He said we grew apart, which is fine, but you end it when you feel that way. You don’t cheat and act like it’s justified. That girl definitely knew about me. There’s no way she didn’t. But she was from a foreign country and used his status as an american for personal gain.
I completely agree that the relationship should be terminated BEFORE the cheating occurs, but if god forbid, it occurs during, then the relationship should be terminated.
I really enjoy your blog posts so thank you for making them a worthwhile and interesting read!
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Thanks for a follow-up response, and please excuse this delay. I like to sit undivided, whenever I respond.
I often hear some people use that line, “I thought we were over.” Lol. Did you really? Did you say with words that the relationship is over? No, but I’m supposed to use telepathy and draw this conclusion.
I am sure it sucked finding out that way.
“He said we grew apart, which is fine, but you end it when you feel that way. You don’t cheat and act like it’s justified.”
That’s perfect. You would assume people as a whole, would have human decency, but that’s not the case sadly.
I am grateful for the time you give my posts. You never know how people will react, especially with my perspective. Lol. Thank you for taking the time to read.
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This was a great post. I have been the victim of infidelity and it’s not pretty. I can’t imagine going back to him, and I wish he had just told me he wasn’t happy instead of making me look like a fool. So I have been reading posts like yours trying to make sense out of what I am going through. Actually reading an eBook called How to Successfully Recover from Having Been Cheated On by Gregory Smith, his site for the book is http://www.been-cheated-on.com/. It is such a practical title, and really in times like these maybe practical and to the point is better. Is for me anyway! Keep the great posts coming, this was a good read for me tonight.
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Thank you for the generous words. I am grateful for your time.
Since you have mentioned not going back to him, do you still engage in communication? To encounter such a betrayal from a partner, must be an incredibly difficult burden.
In my posts, I believe in applying the truth, void of sugarcoated concepts that we hear often. I believe any other explanation does the reader no good. How are you currently coming along, with your journey ayer the infidelity? I think I will create a post about individual journeys, after someone has experienced infidelity.
Readers like you would make this possible. Of course if requested, all names would remain hidden. It’s a concept I’ve been thinking of for some time now.
When I started my first post on infidelity, it became one of my most read posts. I then decided infidelity impacts countless, and hearing stories from someone in a similar position can help those, currently on the journey of recovery. Thank you once again for reading.
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