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Affair, Betrayal, Bloggers, Cheating, Couples, Culture, Dating, Infidelity, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Reflection, Relationships, Sex, Society
We see this in movies from time-to-time…
Frank, you have until the end of the week to tell Suzie. If not, I am going to tell her myself.
I think this is a viable solution, because you are presenting the realization that their infidelity is no longer a secret. However, you are giving them the chance to take ownership, and come clean. So, how does this play out?
Let us say you were once again in the restaurant and witnessed your friend’s partner, French kissing someone who is obviously not your friend.
Should you intervene at that moment, should you wait until they head to the bathroom, exits the restaurant, or should you make contact later?
Well, depending on your personality, it depends. Perhaps you want to determine, if the other woman or man is aware that they are engaging with someone in a relationship.
Therefore, you decide to sit at their table as a third wheel, and share this information.
Hi. I am a friend of (name of cheating partner), and you do not know me of course, but I know (enter name of betrayed friend), who happens to be married/dating (enter name of cheating partner). Did you know that (enter both of their names) are in a relationship?
From where I was sitting, I honestly could not tell, with the way (enter friend’s name) had their tongue down your throat. Wait, so you knew they were in a relationship. That is interesting. (Enter friend’s name), I do not want to know why you are here with this person, I do not care what story you believe I should hear right now, but I love you guys too much to know about this, and not share the information.
You have until the end of the week to let (enter betrayed partner’s name) know, or I will make sure to pay you guys a visit bright and early, the next morning. By the way, if you are thinking of dodging this and simply telling me you shared what happened here today, but actually did not, I recorded our entire conversation on my phone.
What happens when they are reluctant to share the information? You have to stand firm with your threat, and make contact with the betrayed friend the night of the deadline.
I know we said bright and early the next day, but if they did not share the information, they clearly have a plan and will expect your intervention the morning after.
You must be one-step ahead, thus, one day ahead. You see, if a person truly wants to share their infidelity announcement and are aware of your deadline; do you really think six hours, 12 or 18 makes a difference?
In other words, they have more than enough time to come clean over a span of several days. If you cut their deadline short a few hours, it means nothing in the grand scheme of things.
On the other hand, keeping your friend in the dark on this matter for too long can be problematic.
If you were the one experiencing the betrayal, how would you feel knowing your friend knew about the infidelity, but held onto the information because they felt your partner would come clean?
This discussion is one you should have in person, as opposed to over the phone. Preferably, do it somewhere you will not have any interruption during the conversation.
Why is this important? While they are in your presence, you have the ability to limit them from leaving and acting purely on the emotion, they are feeling during your revelation.
While in your presence, you have the ability to calm their nerves, soothe their anger and allow them to see things clearly. Over the phone, you have absolutely no control.
What if the person in question, decides to share the information with their partner, before the expiration of your deadline? How should you confirm this?
One method is to set a meeting of sorts with your friends, in order to place all of the cards on the table, where the cheating partner will express your involvement.
The purpose of this meeting is to remove any blame on your behalf, in the event your friend ever discovers from another party, that you knew about the infidelity but did not present the information. Remember, these situations can have you go from hero to villain in an instant.
(Enter your name) was present in the restaurant that afternoon, and noticed that I was there with someone else. They approached me and gave me an ultimatum, where I had to come clean to you by the end of the week, or they would approach you directly about everything.
They did it to give me the opportunity of taking full responsibility, when they did not have to. I am sorry I placed them in such a compromising position. I am sorry I made our relationship matters, become public in such a way.
As much as we may want to provide the information to our loved one, in my opinion, we should first allow the guilty party to come clean. That way, the message comes through the person responsible, as opposed to you, which is the third party.
Sometimes, the horror of the infidelity alone is damaging. However, knowing that someone close to you became aware of the infidelity, can add insult to injury.
In this life, the only thing we have of true value, are the connections we build with others. Nothing, and I mean nothing, has more value to you when your time draws to its end, than the memories you create with other people.
Friendships are important. When you are making the decision to involve yourself, in the infidelity of someone else, tread lightly.
This is not whether you should, or should not share the information to a loved one. The issue comes down to the how, the when and by whom.
As mentioned before, clarity is important. You should collect your thoughts, make sure you understand what you saw, determine your loved one’s personality and then begin the process of what to do next.
Perhaps you feel it is best for you to explain what you saw, but in other instances, you feel the cheating partner is better suited for the role.
There is no right or wrong in that regard. Each person’s relationship determines the best approach.
This is my perspective, I am interested in reading yours. Would you give the adulterer a deadline to come clean, or approach the friend directly?
How much time would you consider acceptable for a friend to give the adulterer, if you were the partner left in the dark?
One Gentleman's Perspective 
Gaslighting is a serious problem. And given that infidelity is a form of abuse, it’s not surprising that the cheat is often abusive in other ways (controlling, put-downs, power-issues). So I would not give them the opportunity to gaslight their betrayed partner into not believing what I say. Nor would I give them a chance to delete all the emails, destroy all the evidence, before the partner gets a chance to see it if they want to.
So I do not hold with the ultimatum at all. It’s just giving the cheater a head start. You might want to take photos or voice memos of the evidence you have, just in case they deny it when confronted. If that was possible, I’d do it. You might want to try to find out who the paramour was, but not at the expense of giving them a warning.
Present all the evidence you can to the betrayed partner. Take any lashing out that might come (seldom does) with being the messenger. Remind them you’re only the messenger. Offer to be with them when they confront if that’s what they want (I imagine being able to say “I *saw* you” to their face is much more powerful and likely to get some shock disclosure than “My friend says they saw you”.
As a betrayed partner the evidence was important not only to prove it happened, but to prove *what* happened. There’s endless opportunities for gaslighting but the emails written thinking you’ll never see them tell the real story.
I told my husband’s ex-OW’s husband. I have never regretted it. He was defensive for about 30 seconds until he saw the proof. He did not blame me. He did not get violent. He did not go after my husband (or me or my children). He didn’t do any of the things she tried to threaten he would. He just apologised for her behaviour to me (which I said wasn’t his place, as it wasn’t his fault!). I armed him with the evidence, the secret email address. He was smart. He didn’t tell her everything I’d told him or shown him. And her denials came thick and fast and showed up as lies on the litmus paper he held in his hand. Priceless. The power of knowing you have the real truth is priceless and I know that’s the empowering that I gave him. He could have wasted it, I am glad he didn’t.
I think you impute far too much honour in cheaters in this post. Which I suppose speaks well of you. Naive, but well.
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Thanks for stopping by my side of the blogosphere. Did you read part one? I ask because part two was not intended to give free reign, condone or remain naive to the adulterer. Apart from telling your friend personally, which is the basis of part one, this is another option. The purpose of the series is to show different approaches, which you can inform someone about their partner’s infidelity. 1. Tell them yourself directly. 2. Give the partner X amount of days to come clean and if not, revert back to telling your friend.
Each person’s situation is vastly different, so my perspective on this topic is to provide different approaches, which will best fit their personality. There are other ways of revealing the infidelity, but I’m not sure if I should continue the series. I may continue at some point.
In your situation, confronting the husband of the other woman was the decision you felt would be best. That may not be the case for someone else. It is neither wrong or right. It is simply a perspective that worked in your situation. I know of women going to the partner of the other woman directly , and I know of some going to the other woman directly. It all depends really.
Thanks again, but I do not provide honor to those committing such actions. I hope that is not what you have gathered from part two in the series.
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Hahaha… This article! I would give the person a timeframe in which to divulge the 411. After that, it will not be good.
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Lol. I could imagine how you would handle this. HaHa.
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PHEW…. The irony of the universe!
I am currently involved in this debacle. I have been involved in this a few times before. The fact of the matter, is that cheating and lying is downright abusive to all involved. I have to beg a few questions about cheaters, since I have in fact betrayed the trust of a partner before. It was entirely my issue. I felt powerful, in control, and because of my past issues with men I felt no owed respect to this person. On the other side, the guy was a controlling ass and I was in no place to even be in a relationship being young and unhappy with myself.
I think in order to fully find the answers we seek, we must play Devil’s Advocate and remember the dark places that brought us to spiritual and moral enlightenment.
In the case of my friend currently, I know she needs serious spiritual guidance that I know no one else will give to her. The person she is cheating with is also fully aware of her relationship and is a serial cheater himself. My dilemma is wether or not to sit them both together and have a serious heart to heart session. When we see injustice and bad behavior, often our first reaction is to either turn our cheek or go full Hulk. Whenever a person cheats, it’s a damaged heart and a person who has zero respect for THEMSELVES. Insecurity breeds more insecurity. If you fight such with fire, you could equate it to a bomb that you, the whistle blower, will reap the aftermath and pieces,
Am I saying NOT to intervene? Absolutely not. I am saying to do so in a manner that will change a heart, or at least plant the seed of change to help this person gain the courage and respect to do the right thing for them first, and then to ask forgiveness of the person they have hurt. A person can only do what THEY want to do. If this friend does not choose the correct path and you know someone could not only be hurt emotionally, but physically, then I would break the news compassionately.
We all need to understand that honoring our true feelings is the correct form of expression. Not violating ourselves and our bodies for the sake of soothing a temporary feeling.
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Thanks for sharing your time with me. It’s a pleasure reading your response, because I know the post was a long one. Lol.
“The fact of the matter, is that cheating and lying is downright abusive to all involved.”
I agree. It’s pretty awesome reading that although you betrayed someone’s trust, you are still able to admit this. Did you eventually reveal the betrayal to your partner?
As for the situation with your friend, it is an interesting one. You are correct. People usually react to things by going on a Wolverine “berserk” mode, or ignore the issue entirely. Finding the middle ground is difficult, which is why so many refuse to acknowledge it. How long has she been going astray? Why is she going astray?
“My dilemma is wether or not to sit them both together and have a serious heart to heart session.”
What’s the other option you are considering besides this one?
“Insecurity breeds more insecurity. If you fight such with fire, you could equate it to a bomb that you, the whistle blower, will reap the aftermath and pieces.”
You are right again.
“I am saying to do so in a manner that will change a heart, or at least plant the seed of change to help this person gain the courage and respect to do the right thing for them first, and then to ask forgiveness of the person they have hurt.”
That’s a great perspective to have.
“Not violating ourselves and our bodies for the sake of soothing a temporary feeling.”
I see infidelity in the same way–it is a temporary relief. In my opinion, regardless what is going on in my relationship, cheating will not solve it. Apart from my morals/respect, etc., I understand being with another woman is a temporary relief. I could never stain my relationship for a temporary relief. Thank you again for your input. I admire your thought process here.
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