Affair, Betrayal, Cheating, Couples, Culture, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Reflection, Relationships, Sex, Society
It appears you are in quite a conundrum. As you turn to request the check from your waiter, you notice the significant other of your best friend at a table in the rear, French kissing someone who is obviously not your friend. What do you do? What can you do? What should you do?
To continue the theme of relationships and cheating, I thought this topic would be a good one to address. Is there a one-size-fits-all approach, in answering this question? I would say yes, and in my opinion, the answer is that it depends.
Should I tell my best friend her boyfriend/husband is cheating?
Should I tell my best friend his girlfriend/wife is cheating?
It depends on several variables what you should do, after seeing something like this. It depends on several factors as an observer and of course a friend, how to proceed after witnessing such an image.
I am not saying you should refuse presenting the information to your friend, but you know your friend better than anyone else does. Therefore, you have familiarity with the manner they will react to different circumstances. When it involves confidential information, is your friend reactionary or cautionary?
How can you tell?
Do not panic (enter friend’s name). I heard from Gary, who became aware of this information through Jen, but Ben thinks you are a horrible individual.
A. Will your friend confront Ben without any other information, besides the one above?
B. Will your friend accept the information, but consider it hearsay, until s/he encounters further evidence?
If your friend falls under scenario-A, they have a reactionary personality. Reactionary individuals will allow their emotions to make decisions, without ever applying critical thinking. If your friend falls under scenario-B, they are cautionary. They remain aware of things, and use the information as a warning of sorts. However, they do not react without further information.
I would presume that people can fall in between, where their style of reaction may sometimes fluctuate. Nevertheless, for the sake of argument, we are viewing your friend as only reactionary or cautionary.
Your overall decision to share the information with your friend, along with your delivery, will not be the same for both individuals.
The person in scenario-A is similar to a hothead, where anything will set them off. By sharing what you witnessed, they would confront their partner at that very moment. In their explanation, your name will come up as the source of the information.
In this scenario, due to your decision to share the information with your friend, it backfires and somehow you become the villain. The other party can simply deny, ask for proof, and consider your allegation as baseless, where the goal is to dissolve the relationship.
Somehow, you end up being jealous of their relationship, when you were only trying to be a friend. It is funny how life works sometimes.
If your friend is like the person in scenario-A, you cannot release the information without delicately choosing your words wisely. I recommend asking them to refuse giving up the source if possible, while they are confronting their partner. Through this decision, you are hoping time will calm them down, before they react irrationally. You are also hoping they can present the information, without adding your name into the mix.
The friend in scenario-B, is taken aback by the news of the allegation, similar to the person in scenario-A. However, they know that approaching a difficult conversation with someone through hostility; will not work in their favor. By sharing what you witnessed, they are more prone to ask questions about what you actually saw, before making a decision to react.
Although they may ask a series of questions, it does not suggest a denial of your allegation(s). Instead, they understand what you witnessed has placed you in a difficult position. After the series of questions, they will reflect on how to bring about the topic, without giving up their source.
After coming up with a plan, they will approach the significant other regarding events of the day…
How was your day?
What did you do?
If the events of the day do not mention, I was with (Insert name) because we were (Insert action); your friend will begin to figure out a more direct way to ask about the infidelity.
Hmm…So, you only went to work, which is on the opposite side of town. You left work and came straight home. Okay! If that is the case, did you ever make a detour at all during the day, which would put you on the other side of town?
During their discussion, the partner will usually dig their own grave, with one lie on top of another lie. This is an ideal scenario, but the theme remains the same regardless how it plays out.
Sometimes, we refuse to acknowledge information regarding a partner’s infidelity, because it seems out of character. Other times, the person providing the information is untrustworthy. A third scenario occurs through denial, because you are unwilling to accept the truth.
Regardless how rational we appear, it is difficult to stomach the reality of someone you love going astray. It hurts even more when they deny the affair, even when you have evidence of the betrayal.
Sadly, not everyone has good intentions. There are people who stir up drama, with the purpose of destroying a relationship they are unable to have. In other words, and this is something I know personally; as a single individual or someone in an unhappy relationship, they will add flames to a fire that does not exist in yours, all because of your happiness.
If they cannot be happy, you should also be unhappy. They will make up claims or exaggerate something they witness, all to cause a negative reaction from you, which you then extend to your partner.
This reason, among many others, will cause people to reject hearsay on a partner’s supposed infidelity. Generally speaking of course, this post only addresses friends whose intentions are pure.
If you see something, say something.
In my opinion, it is not that black and white. If you see something, you must take into consideration what you saw. After replaying the events, you will then determine how to express the topic, long before you actually present the information.
The moment you are able to do this, you must then determine the type of person your friend happens to be. Are they reactionary or cautionary? As you can see, before you actually decide to share the information, several things come into play.
If you do not tell your friend directly, what are your other options?
…to be continued
Well I say nothing is worth sacrificing the Truth…If your best friend knows you, in the end they will thank you because you were a true friend. This happened to me… I did become the villain. But I believe in telling the truth. Also I was the one whom people with held the truth from with my husbands affair and the truth not coming out until over a year later caused much more damage…It is almost impossible to believe most anything he says. Just tell the truth and take the hit…loose a “friend” if you have to because if they can’t handle the truth than you shouldn’t be friends anyway…who wants a friend that you can’t be open and honest with? Not me…but guess what my friend that villainized me is now divorced and her ex is serving up to a life time sentence…so in the end truth prevails…win win situation.
LikeLiked by 2 people
One Gentleman said:
Thanks for stopping by and sharing. I appreciate the point of view. When I posed the closing question, it was to then open part two of this post, which will be up soon. My wife knows me as someone who speaks the truth and has a great disdain for political correctness. Lol. I hope this post did not come across as if I encourage people to reject telling a loved one, their recent discovery of a partner cheating. Instead, I believe we must be mindful with how we present the information. The truth is most definitely at the core of this issue. That, in my opinion, will hurt of course. However, I would accept with far greater embrace the truth, versus you keeping the infidelity hidden.
You became a villain, and now her ex-partner is serving time in prison. That story seems perfectly made for a Lifetime television movie. Lol. As for your relationship, did they ever explain why they decided to keep the information hidden? Not only did people keep the information hidden, but you became a villain by sharing information you knew, concerning someone else’s relationship. How about that? Wow. Interesting.
I feel like the tone should be supportive toward your friend not harsh and accusatory against their spouse.
And I wouldn’t say it early in the morning or late at night…or call them at work…so if you had to wait a day to avoid that…then I could understand…but I would tell my friend asap.
I told my friend because that is what I would want my friend to do for me…but not only did she totally throw me under the bus, but my husband and I got church correction for it…we sat down in a meeting with 4 other leaders and they accused us of things that were not true…heart issues that you can’t judge (being legalistic, condemning etc…which was TOTALLY NOT true!!!)…it was really hard…but we swallowed our pride…I wanted to leave the church but we continued to serve…the pastors wife is now one of my dearest friends, mentors, and confidants (she said that was the most difficult time of correction and even harder for her to sit through because we had humble attitudes…she would call me to check on me and see if I was alright after the meeting, which was sweet)…
For a while I wouldn’t even look at my “friend” for throwing me under the bus…but I just dropped it and welcomed her back into my life…I felt like I had a choice to stay bitter or just drop it…so I dropped it…and she is still a very dear friend…
Her ex husband was a sex offender and violated his probation multiple times.
She had never been with anyone before him…just a sweet young woman of integrity…he gave her an STD, made her a single mom, and gave her a fatherless son. I feel so very sad for them.
he asked for a divorce 1 month before she was due to give birth to their son. Stinkin’ JERK! Things come to light in due time.
Really stinks for her.
In my case…different state…different church…my husband confessed to the pastor and he was the ONLY other person that knew and never told me a thing…I recently posted my letter to the pastor…I did decide to send it…though I also did revise things in my letter to him…I need to make those correction to my blog…when I get a chance.
One Gentleman said:
Good day again. Hopefully the friend arrives to a conclusion where the delivery is best suited. Each person handles things differently, so hopefully they understand their friends better than others do.
I am curious, how/why did she throw you under the bus? Did she lash out and mention your information was a lie? I always find it strange when people direct their anger towards the person who makes the announcement, or the other woman. Your partner should face your wrath. Misplaced aggression is an interesting thing. I am seeing a strange pattern of poor decision making from this church. Lol.
Bitter is a feeling that does you no good. However, I hope you guys discussed this reaction of hers, during the reconciliation process. Poor behavior should be checked and reviewed. It can lead to much worse issues later, when we do not.
Was she aware of the sex offender status?
To answer you question…I went to the Youth Pastor (as my husband and I were working along side them with the youth) about my friends husband acting inappropriately with one of the girls…he took her out on a lake in an inner tube both in bathing suits and YES everyone knew he was convicted as a sex offender, but everyone truly believed he had changed his ways. I knew he had serious problems…SO when I went to the Youth Pastor in essence told that she didn’t see it as a problem…and that I should not have told my friend (who was napping at the time). (We were on a youth camping trip). .if it was my husband doing that with the girl…floating around a lake with a youth in a 2 piece bathing suit I would have knocked him out and drowned him! ha SO that is why I told my friend…I would HATE it if my husband started acting that way with a younger woman the minute I walk away to take a nap.
When my friend and the Youth pastor spoke and my friend said “I know you guys are at odds right now over some things.” Which was not true, I had shared somethings previous to all this, with behavior was allowed at youth, that I didn’t think was right…leaving the youth room when ever to go smoke cigarettes in the parking lot, things like that) she said “why don’t you correct them?” and I said I couldn’t because I have to stay with in my boundaries as a helper…that we don’t always see eye to eye with the pastors but that we needed to stay with in our boundaries as workers along side them…Well they took that way out of proportion…saying we didn’t agree the way they lead the youth group and yes I addressed them on a few issues like knowing girls were sexually active and placing them on the worship team as role models. We loved the youth pastors…we were very close friends with them…we are still friends just don’t talk much because we live in different states and we both have some serious issues we are dealing with exclusively. All people involved in this situation are all invaluable people in my life…this situation did not cheapen my thoughts of them in the long run we all learned A LOT!!!
When my friend threw me under the bus she is well known to not get stories right…she at least used to be very anxious and ditsy…so I think she was also corrected on the way she projected her story.
She definitely sided with her husband and held me at arms length…she had NO clue how much crap we had to endure because of what he had done and that we tried to protect her and the youth…had nothing to do with leadership or as they said “challenging their authority.”
BUT THE WHOLE POINT was that her husband was being inappropriate and should have NEVER been working with youth regardless if he had “changed.” Because he was a convicted sex offender most churches do background checks and would NEVER let him be involved. So I think that the lime light was taken off of him and put on us…And they felt threatened by us “challenging them: and we were accused of being condemning and legalistic…
Greatest thing of all, I was so sick during this meeting, and soon found out I was so sick cause I was pregnant (great way to start out a pregnancy 🙂
Thank God I had a relationship with the Youth girl involved in the situation, that he took out on the Lake…she would come over my place for lunch since her high school was right in the back of my apartment at the time…It was so weird cause she had NO idea what we were going through at the church
One day she just said “there’s some one in the church that makes me feel really uncomfortable.” I told her she could be frank with me she said my friends husband would send her texts…one time she told him he was a dork and he said “do you know what a dork is? A whales penis…I’ll take that as a compliment.”…she continued then he’s always telling me I’m cute and I asked him why he always says that…he said because I’m married and I can’t tell you you’re hot.”
She also mentioned the tube ride…she said “I felt so uncomfortable but I didn’t know what to do.” and my heart sank cause I remembered being a teenager and just being so insecure and not knowing how to say no…not wanting to hurt peoples feelings and getting myself in some very stupid and awkward positions like that…I should have just said something then….I should have called out of the water and just rerouted the whole thing…I was waiting for the Youth Leaders to say something…but they never did…then I wondered if they even saw anything. But I already had a relationship with the Girl!!! I could have told her it didn’t look good…and my husband could have told the dude it’s wasn’t appropriate for him to do with a Youth girl..
WELL I strongly exhorted her to go to the Youth Pastor and the Pastor’s wife and tell them what was going on…I told her I would tell them if she wanted me to…but she told them.
I was then in turn told NOT to say ANYTHING to my friend about it…so I was hanging out with my friend and I new dark secrets about her husband…we would hang out with both of them and he would sit there and judge other people for the same crap and I would make snarky remarks about his own behavior in a sarcastic, passive aggressive way…It sucked! She had no clue and I’m sure his butt was burning…I hated that time…I was so confused to how it was a good thing to hang out and not tell my friend the truth it was AGONY! I felt like a deceiver.
Turns out a whole heck of a lot more was going on with other teens in their youth group and at that same youth camp he stayed up there a couple days longer with some of the Youth boys and supplied alcohol and pot to the pastors kids and other boys. YEP! Nice…when my friend went up to confront him about being inappropriate with the other girl he was LIT and she had no clue!
Before they got married he had this whole story that he was 18 and she was 15 almost 16 and it was consensual and the mom got angry cause “when his life changed” (according to him) he wouldn’t give her mom weed so she reported him under Statutory rape.
But no he was nasty. He gave my friend an STD and cheated on her the whole time they were married and was abusive to my friend in so many ways it’s disgusting.
In the end everyone apologized to us for how things went down…my friend the most ashamed…I have nothing but sorrow for her situation and love for her…I could only wish I was condemning, legalistic, and down right wrong for her sake. 😦
One Gentleman said:
Turning a blind eye to things, is far easier to do than admitting what you are seeing or hearing. Your defense mechanism is to block out whatever it is. I am having trouble seeing why it was inappropriate for you to point out the obvious. You were not saying he forced himself upon the girl, but the action you witnessed was instead inappropriate for a registered sex offender. The decision to bring up “being at odds,” well, that was a deflection—in my opinion of course. This here is another tactic people use, when they want to ignore things.
In their eyes, you challenged her authority by presenting you thoughts. LoL. By law, if the court deems it necessary, registered sex offenders have certain restrictions whenever it comes to minors. Each state and judge makes this determination. However, as a simple courtesy of human interaction, if you are a known sex offender and you attend my church, I could not condone a minor remaining in your presence, without the presence of another adult. It really is that simple in my opinion.
As opposed to focusing their attention on the sex offender, their energy was directed towards you. LoL. That is far too funny.
The text message was something she mentioned after you had the church meeting, or was this presented beforehand. The comment he made was beyond inappropriate. If I were her dad, there would be something of a conversation taking place. LoL. I am baffled with this entire ordeal, but like I tell my wife often—you cannot logically interpret an illogical topic.
I just wanted to start by saying…I’m so glad you mention your wife in just about every comment you’ve made to me. That is very respectful to her for you to bring her into the conversation, and I really appreciate that. I feel that is incredibly important with corresponding between males and females. Your wife is a precious jewel…it’s good to show her multifaceted shine any way you can.
As for the church I found all the extras out later, when the girl started coming over my house for lunch…I think all the people involved were really innocent and pure in their approach…I think they just didn’t know what to do…and they did what they knew as much to do at that point. It is what it is…I have good relationships with everyone that was involved now except for the dude of course…I have shot gun fever with him…but he’s nice and safe???…in prison. 🙂
I’ve never been accused of being too quiet or too nice…ha…so I’m the open book that says it how it is…sometimes I’m wrong…and there’s always room for tempering and improvement. But when it comes to stuff like this I don’t mess around…I have very little respect for men, as I’ve only had one man in my life model true strong integrity (that being my grandpa) as it is so I get very protective over my friends as I see men flushing their own authentic manhood down the commode. My defense goes up and I start to go into charge mode!
One Gentleman said:
Good day. I hope your weekend went well. Sometimes it occurs naturally, and other times I mention her because it relates to the post. I understand what the opposite of this current relationship is like, so I cherish her immensely.
The relationship we have far exceeds, what I could imagine for myself. I genuinely love and respect my wife, so there’s an innate reaction to speak about her. It’s interesting that you notice that, because a few other women on Instagram have mentioned enjoying how I reference her.
“…but he’s nice and safe???…in prison.” Haha. I’m not laughing at the imprisonment, but the way you wrote the sentence was rather funny.
My wife knows how much I admire when others speak the truth. No need to sugarcoat with me. I enjoy honesty. How else can one expect the truth, when we mask it in fallacies to make one another feel good? Lol. I see this far too often, which can explain why we have such a rampant culture of people whose feelings get hurt easily. So thank you for speaking the truth.
I have a similar mindset as you do, so I’m always learning more about myself, others and how to better engage them in dialogue online. I think you addressed something that blends with the reason I feel the lifestyle of a gentleman is not stitched into society.
When negative role models overwhelm positive ones, it becomes difficult for young boys and girls to become better versions of themselves. Young boys learn how to be “men” from the worse male role models, and young girls mimic what they see from their favorite pop artists. I see it daily. The males you encountered after your grandpa, have failed to measure up because his upbringing is vastly different from theirs.
I would give the cheater 2 days to tell the truth or the partner hears it from me. They would probably fess up, It’s much better to make someone accountable for their own actions as they should be.
LikeLiked by 2 people
One Gentleman said:
Your response is actually part of the second half coming up. I decided to wrap up the post with the question of alternatives, as a cliffhanger of sorts, which will then set the stage for part 2. Hopefully the general theme of the post came across, which is to remain cautious if you encounter such a infidelity, and collect yourself before expressing the information. It is a tricky situation to be in. In some situations, your message of the infidelity will be appreciated, and in other instances, it will not. Thanks for providing your insight, because it helps me understand how others relate to the post.
thing with letting the other person confess is that…can you expect a cheater…that is in the midst of cheating to really tell the truth? Most likely they will water the truth down…just sayin’
Yes….there is that, but I’d be planning to keep him honest anyway. Part of my ultimatum would include him having to give every detail of what I saw. He may have done more, in fact its likely, but whatever he’s been up to, he just got caught and now there is proof.
Thank God for cell phones with cameras ha ha
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh wow I hadn’t considered the aid of technology lol That should teach the cheating little bugger!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Should I Tell My Friend Their Partner Is Cheating: Part II? | One Gentleman's Perspective