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Advice, Couples, Culture, Dating, Gentleman, Love, Marriage, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Personal, Reflection, Relationships, Sex, Society
I say things that usually go against popular belief, especially when it involves romantic relationships. However, the one thing a person cannot say is that my perspective is not genuine. If the typical explanation on these topics were so successful, would the same repetitive relationship woes continue in our lives? In my opinion, I think not. Sometimes going against the norm is a better-suited decision.
Always keep in mind, I am not an expert on your life. With that said, it is truly amazing what you can learn from people, by listening and observing. I apply both of these examples to my life, in order to make myself more aware.
It is also important to know that making your own mistakes is not always necessary, for you to learn valuable lessons. I do not know everything, but I have a hunger for knowledge. Although I am unaware of many things, I maintain a desire to learn more about myself and others.
A smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again. But a wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid the mistake altogether. —H. Williams
It is not up to the person you date or marry, to make sure you make the right mating selection. That comes down to you. This is a harsh reality, but a reality nonetheless.
By now, each person is aware that I believe in expressing the truth. As someone striving to live the lifestyle of a gentleman, people will have a difficult time learning anything valuable about XYZ, when we continue feeding them lies. The truth may sting a bit, but the truth is what helps us learn.
Scenario One
Daughter: Mom, I just broke up with Ben
Mom: What happened?
Daughter: It was all his fault
Mom: You are right. You need to find someone better
Scenario Two
Daughter: Mom, I just broke up with Sebastian
Mom: What happened?
Daughter: It was all his fault
Mom: Wait a minute. I have been married to your father for 30 years, and any issues we had in the relationship are rarely ever just his fault. Now, don’t you run and tell your father I admitted that. As for Sebastian, what do you mean it was entirely his fault?
Daughter: He doesn’t understand how I feel.
Mom: Have you ever expressed your feelings to him?
Daughter: Well, not really. He is my boyfriend; he is supposed to know this.
Mom: Baby, as much as men think they know everything, trust me, if I weren’t for me, your dad would not know where his socks were. People cannot know how you are feeling, if you refuse to express your thoughts to them.
Men and women communicate differently, and relationships are about communication. The moment you forget this, you lose the connection. Write down all of the things, which you feel Ben should know that you failed to express verbally.
When you finish, read it over and make sure it does not sound confrontational. Give him a call and ask him to come by. You will read him everything on that paper, and eventually a dialogue begins.
Out of the two scenarios, pinpoint the daughter actually learning a valuable lesson about dating, which will help her attain a mutually successful union. Which daughter is receiving complete nonsense, through the promotion of a victim’s mentality?
In my realistic and unbiased opinion, the second mother did not allow her daughter to get away with the excuse; it was all his fault, which we hear so often.
As an experienced married woman, the mother is aware that relationships usually involve two individuals. If it fails or succeeds, both partners played a role.
When her daughter said it was Sebastian’s fault, she knew this was a faulty response. Therefore, she sought further information, until she arrived to a place where the reality of the breakup was present. She then provided an insightful response, on what her daughter should do next.
We are in a time where we view gentlemen as anomalies, when it used to be the standard behavior. We are in a time, where some consider the values of being a lady as prudish, submissive and negative.
Currently, there is a strange storm brewing, where people advocate against you having an opinion, because their opinion is more valuable than your outlook.
We are raising a generation of spineless, no accountability having, misguided and promiscuous prone individuals. I am sorry, but I refuse to believe this is beneficial for the next generation.
1I continue encountering men who use me for sex
Poor excuse: Oh, don’t worry, men are just dogs
2I keep marrying women who use me financially, and have sex with my friends
Poor excuse: Oh, don’t worry, women are just gold-diggers
3I keep making friends with people who only call when they need something
Poor excuse: Oh, don’t worry, all people are just selfish
When we continue spreading poor advice, we generate a culture of victims. In other words, we promote that everything and anything in the dating arena, is the fault of someone else. How could anyone learn in such an environment?
Whenever things went wrong in the past, regardless if it was a random encounter or girlfriend…I blamed them.
It was far easier blaming someone else, in comparison to the alternative of admitting I was the issue. The energy we emit is important, when it involves the people we attract into our lives.
In the event someone is thinking the following…
My past boyfriends would hit me for no reason at all. Are you saying that women deserve physical abuse from their partners?
I am going to have you take a seat in the section of, I did not read the post, but instead imposed my beliefs on what I think you are saying.
I am not conveying that message, nor did I actually write it. Instead, I want us to become better human resource managers, with the people we allow into our lives.
As I have mentioned before, you are the manager of your dating selection. If you continue making poor decisions, your management skills should come into question.
This is not something many relationship experts like to promote. Instead, they do the blame game routine. It sells more books, gets them onto more shows, etc. Interestingly, people continue having the same relationship woes. Shocking…not really.
There is a fine line between compassion and a victim mentality. Compassion though is a healing force and comes from a place of kindness towards yourself. Playing the victim is a toxic waste of time that not only repels other people, but also robs the victim of ever knowing true happiness. ― Bronnie Ware
When we have children, we will not feed them this victim mentality garbage. LoL. I am being completely honest. I attribute my state of mind, due to the following message from my elders…
The truth may hurt now, but you will be grateful for it tomorrow.
I changed my victim mentality, and encountered the greatest and most beautiful partner, a once broken guy could ever desire. She went from a stranger to a friend, to my best friend, fiancée and then wife. Years later, she is still my best friend.
This did not occur, because I followed some of the malarkey they promote today. This occurred because I changed issues within myself, and eventually, the energy attracted the right mate.
Accountability…think of it as the pill, which sets Neo free from The Matrix. I highly recommend others taking this pill. Hopefully, it will change your perspective.
However, this is my perspective, so I would love to know about yours. Did you discover your life changing for the better, after altering things about yourself?
Do you know others subscribing to the victim mentality? Do you think accountability is important, on one’s road to maturity?
One Gentleman's Perspective 
I absolutely believe accountability is important since we learn by mistakes like you said. Without learning from our own mistakes, it is just a way to escape from reality and create more problems eventually in my opinion.
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Thanks. I agree 100 percent.
“Without learning from our own mistakes, it is just a way to escape from reality and create more problems eventually.”
There are far too many people pushing this idea of removing accountability. It is truly a shame
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Hah, great choice of post topics (I just happen to be working on my perspective of the same thing).
Accountability seems to be sorely lacking these days, and it definitely seems to be a cultural shift. I think of all the court cases that turned lawyers into “ambulance chasers”. What’s that, you spilled hot coffee on yourself? Let’s sue McDonalds (though in reality that case is a bit more complex than the urban legend). You tripped on a sidewalk while walking? Let’s sue the building owners where the sidewalk is. Products have all sorts of crazy warnings on them now, because manufacturers see a need to protect themselves against being sued for what should be obvious. And this seeps into all aspects of life.
I did poorly on my math test = I have a bad teacher
I didn’t get enough playing time on my sports team = the coach doesn’t like me
my relationship has problems = my partner is a bad fit for me
Where is the accountability? Where are people taking ownership for their own actions, and treating obstacles as opportunities to learn and improve?
(man, I think my blood pressure just rose – this is a topic I’m VERY passionate about).
And even worse, what are we teaching the next generation?
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Your comment made my wife laugh. Lol. I’ll definitely check out your post, because this topic is an important one to have.
“Accountability seems to be sorely lacking these days, and it definitely seems to be a cultural shift.”
It’s great when you encounter other people aware of the things you discuss in private. Lol.
“Products have all sorts of crazy warnings on them now, because manufacturers see a need to protect themselves against being sued for what should be obvious.”
Lol. This is funny, because as you have mentioned, they companies know it is obvious, but they also understand the mindset of a number of consumers.
“I didn’t get enough playing time on my sports team = the coach doesn’t like me
my relationship has problems = my partner is a bad fit for me.”
These are perfect examples. Lol. I encounter them, so it’s a relief knowing I’m not crazy for pointing them out.
Most importantly, “what are we teaching the next generation?”
This here is the very reason, why the lack of accountability really concerns me. Thanks for digging into my thoughts. Lol.
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In a dating role I totally agree with everything you wrote…communication and learning are major keys in growth of character.
SO many times we can make trite things so BIG we loose out on relationships that could be amazing. We can actually take trite things and even use them as stepping stones…like you said to learn, learn something new about communicating and understanding not just our own perspective, but the other persons perspective.
Repeat back to them what you heard them say ” You said…” This is how I perceived it and it make me feel ______…is that what you meant or did you mean something else?”
Maybe I’m taking this to a different level, but I just wanted to share…
Out of personal experience:
Accountability…accepting responsibility…I think this is so very important…ESPECIALLY when you are a victim (a person harmed, injured, or someone you love is killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action…a person who is tricked or duped). The idea is a person can truly be a victim, but look at it for what it is and acknowledge the situation as a victim, say it as it is (I’m a realist), Look it square in the face and in a healthy way say “I will not remain under the control of being labeled a victim.” I don’t want people to remember me as “oh poor you.” I want them to label me as “A strong over comer, a woman of character, one to respect despite circumstances and situations.”
It is difficult when you are a victim to not fall victim to self pity…but to look at things objectively in that I mean it as it is defined in the dictionary that the efforts or actions of the “victim” are intended to attain or accomplish; purpose; a goal; a target…”This is a challenge, this is a stepping stone to _____…How can I allow this circumstance to build my character not tear it down?”
When I found out about my husbands affair, personally, I acknowledge I was a victim…but the Lord spoke a treasure into my heart. “I will make you a valiant woman of strength and dignity.” (hence my anonymous name). And so I am on a journey with the Lord, through my failures and Him lifting me up and leading me again…through letting all sense of dignity go…and yet regaining composer by taking responsibility for my actions. Yes, my husband did awful things to me…but I do awful things too and I need to keep an eye on myself, and take responsibility, there are times I need to apologize to him, I can not hold him to blame for everything that happens in my life, I cussed you out and it’s all your fault cause you did this to me…I drank excessively and acted undignified because you did this to me I needed something to take the pain away…He would say he’s sorry it’s his fault, but NO, I acknowledge yes he hurt me, BUT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS he did not make me cuss, drink accessively, lose my dignity.ect (I’m not going to incriminate myself)…no those were my choices on how I dealt with the pain and I need to seriously apologize and take responsibility for my actions…I need to be accountable for my own actions and accept responsibility for myself…what he did CAN NOT define me…and that is what we do when we take on the victim roll…you let your perspective of the “wrong doer” Define you as a person…”Pooooor you, because, xyz”
My Goal is that I would take up what the Lord spoke into my heart in a very difficult and painful time in my life…strength, dignity, courage…my goal reconciliation…that can’t happen unless I take responsibility for my own actions. Look at it and say…where do I want this to go, what can I change about myself, how can I allow this to make me stronger, how can I communicate EFFECTIVELY?”
How can I take action in a positive manner? What is my positive GOAL through all of this?
As it has been said “Before you talk to others about their faults Jesus wants you to face up to yours.”
The victim roll makes you view others and the world in an ugly manner…I’m learning this myself. I don’t want to view others in and ugly manner…that’s just…well ugly.
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Thank you for sharing your time on my page again. It’s always a pleasure reading your replies.
“Communication and learning are major keys in growth of character.” You are 100 percent correct in my opinion.
“SO many times we can make trite things so BIG we loose out on relationships that could be amazing.”
I see this so often. People bicker about the most minuscule matters, it then causes silly issues to transform into monumental ones. Eventually, disagreements about how to fold the sheets, turns into hating his mother and you hating her cooking. Lol. Wait, I thought this was about bed sheets. Haha.
Communicating in the manner you expressed is why I created a post addressing, how ladies and gents should communicate with one another during a disagreement. Miscommunication is a major problem, because people fail to actually listen and read, without applying assumptions.
Being a victim simply refers to someone experiencing something at their own hands, or the actions of another person/thing. Being a victim isn’t an issue. Remaining a victim, well, that’s an entirely different beast.
When you remain a victim, you are embracing self pity. We cannot consider this a good thing. You can definitely learn from what you experienced as a “victim,” but you should not continue to remain one mentally. It’s destructive. It seems on your journey, you know this all too well. More people should understand this.
“I will not remain under the control of being labeled a victim.”
This is what separates someone living in self pity, and someone embracing the next step after whatever made them a “victim.”
“…and yet regaining composer by taking responsibility for my actions.”
Difficult realization to arrive at, so it’s great whenever I see someone making it. It does not mean you deserved XYZ, it simply means you are saying I take ownership that I also did something.
“I need to be accountable for my own actions and accept responsibility for myself…what he did CAN NOT define me.”
That’s a great moment of reflection
“As it has been said ‘Before you talk to others about their faults Jesus wants you to face up to yours.”
This is another gem, because casting stone at others, yet completely undermining yours seems hypocritical. It’s one thing to share your issues and ask others not to make the same errors. It’s another to negate that you have issues, and shout from the mountain top addressing the issues of others. Lol.
Thanks for sharing this.
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