Advice, Affair, Cheating, Couples, Culture, Dating, Infidelity, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Sex, Society
If you wish to remain in the relationship, and consider the act a one-time indiscretion, you must come clean. Whether or not they desire every detail about the event, well, that is entirely up to your partner.
I know of situations where the partner inquires about the sexual positions, which party initiated the entire ordeal, location of the rendezvous, how many times it occurred in a given day, etc. Your partner will explain how much detail they deem necessary.
I know that it sounds ideal to maintain your secrecy. You believe it will hurt their feelings, they may leave you and if they remain, they may never trust you again. I see things differently. You decided to cheat, not your partner. Our actions are our own.
However, the decision on how to react to our actions, well, that rests in the hands of the other party. Allow them to determine what decision works best for them.
Allow your partner to say:
1AThough the child is not mine, I still consider myself the father.
1BNow that I know you lied about the paternity, I no longer want to be part of this family.
2AThough you’ve cheated on me, and as much as I want to kill you right now, I want to see if we can make this work.
2BNow that I know my suspicions were not unfounded; I want you to pack your bags, leave and never contact me again.
You made the decision to go astray, without any input from your partner. To decide against facing the repercussions of your actions by coming clean, well, that is no longer up to you. Well, in an ideal world, the decision is no longer up to you.
Now that you are going to present the infidelity, how do you go about doing so?
There is no ideal time. Their pain will not be less if it occurs in the morning, Thursday, summer weather, etc. In other words, people find a thousand excuses not to come clean, because it is not a good time.
As a man, you had little reservation about entering another woman. As a woman, you had little reservation in allowing another man to enter you. However, all of a sudden, you want to ponder about appropriateness, concerning coming clean. In my best Yoda impersonation:
The hypocrisy is strong with this one.
Find a place where there are not too many objects present, for your partner to toss in your direction. Make sure it is somewhere; no other party will impose upon the discussion. It is best, in my opinion, to share this information without the presence of others.
(Insert Name), I have to tell you something, because the secret is destroying me from the inside out. To continue the relationship with this secret is a disservice, to everything we are building together.
I love you immensely, and because of this, I cannot withhold this from you any longer. I want to give you the opportunity, in deciding how to proceed after hearing what I have to say. It would be selfish to make the decision for you.
By now, they are on edge, because a million thoughts are going through their head, wondering what this secret could be.
A few days ago, I had sex with the two girls from my office. It was a stupid decision—a horrible decision. I was not thinking at the moment. I was just so angry about our argument the night before, that I let down my guard after a meeting the next morning.
It started with the usual flirting on their end, and ended up with us going to a hotel, located by the office during lunch. I love our relationship and I want to do whatever you want to make it up to you. I understand I do not deserve your sympathy or forgiveness, but I am begging you to allow me to regain your trust, and the purity of our relationship.
By now, they are either leaking with tears or fuming. Based on how they react, and what they say, this determines how to proceed with the conversation.
You want to make it clear that you wish to remain in the relationship, and the ordeal will never happen again. I cannot say with certainty, how believable your message will appear.
If you undermine the trust in your relationship and go astray, this decision is one you decided to make. Although you wish to remain in the relationship, well, that decision should be in the hands of your partner…not you. Come clean.
The amount of detail to share is entirely up to your partner. Some are able to stomach it at all, so they may request an X-rated version. On the other hand, some are simply okay with knowing the PG-13 version.
Regardless which version they decide upon, coming clean is the decision you must make. There are consequences for our actions. It is about time you embraced yours.
However, this is my opinion. I am more interested in yours. Do you think it is ever acceptable to withhold the affair? Would you want your partner to tell you about their affair? Would you prefer not to know? If you want to know, how much detail is necessary?
Kind of a sensitive topic for me, as I’m sure it is for far too many people. But this makes me think of something I read recently about responsibility. The idea was that there are various behaviors that people will display as they move along the spectrum towards responsibility.
We move from denial -> blame -> justification -> shame -> obligation -> responsibility
denial, blame and justification are self explanatory. What I found interesting was the idea that doing something out of shame and obligation are also seen as fairly negative, as it means you don’t truly buy in – it’s not something you really “want” to do.
People have affairs and try to hide it. Some times it’s a one off, and sometimes it’s a long term thing. But all the excuses in the world about keeping it from their partner are just excuses. They are trying to have the best of both worlds, and they don’t feel that the “rules” of a relationship should have to apply to them.
In order to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be at peace with who you are, I believe you need to make the “right” choice (which often is not the easy choice).
Taking responsibility for your actions is not always easy. But if you made the choices that put you in a certain position, then you need to be willing to face the consequences.
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One Gentleman said:
Interesting perspective as usual Drew. I seem to be learning something new from you daily. LoL.I was unaware of the full spectrum regarding responsibility. I am aware of each piece here, but was unaware they were stitched together to form a spectrum of sorts, while dealing with responsibility. Thanks for sharing this information.
Now that I see it, it makes perfect sense. You first deny, then blame, then justify the action, experience shame of some sort, feel obligated to fess up and then finally, you embrace responsibility. Is this the correct thought process?
I think I also understand the interesting aspect of experiencing shame and obligation, on your journey to embracing responsibility. It says that the shame occurs as guilt due to the action, which then brings up the obligation. This is where you feel you have to fess up—though you do not “want” to fess up.
As you mentioned, “it’s not something you really “want” to do.”
Infidelity is an interesting topic, because it can happen to anyone, and there are a number of factors that can push a person to go astray. I believe completely, if you were able to go astray, then you should use that same reasoning in the process of coming clean. I always found it interesting, when a person has no reservations to go astray, but when it comes time to fess up, that is when the reservations arrive. LoL.
Thanks for the perspective Andrew. It is well appreciated.
We all make mistakes, and I can think of few as life-altering as infidelity. If I am a the person I want to believe I am, if my character is as strong as I hope, I confess my mistake and brace myself for the consequences. I expect searing pain and anger and to be kicked to the curb. While I might want to repair the relationship, I would have little hope of it after committing such a terrible transgression and understand that any hope for that rests completely with my husband. I would have my reasons and my justifications for my poor choices, but I want to believe I would come clean and either try to heal the breach or release my husband from marriage to unfaithful wife.
If it were the betrayed partner, I would be dreadfully hurt and equally angry. I am unlikely to throw things, because that it not my way, but I would demand some space to process the betrayal and my feelings on the subject. I do not know about details of the actual act so much as the why leading up to it. They “why” would be something that would have to be discussed and dissected and discussed some more. But if my husband were truly, genuinely regretful, if we went through counseling to determine the forces that weakened us as a couple to this point of breakdown, and if we, together, could resolve to recommit and strengthen our marriage, I would be inclined to stay together and work it out.
Betrayed partners never wish to hear this, but I believe that if infidelity were to happen to me, I would bear some level of responsibility for the weakened bond in my marriage. This opinion comes from my personal experience with my husband during a very rough patch and the resulting multiple month separation as well as observations of other marriages and conversations with by straying and betrayed spouses. From my own marital discord, I wanted to more than anything to discover what happened, where we failed each other as a couple and became so unhappy together that divorce loomed on the horizon. It was not a pleasant time, to look in the mirror and realize how directly my own behaviors/needs and responses to my husband’s behaviors/needs resulted in our marriage faltering. We were fortunate. We separated. We dated other people during that period. We dated each other again during that period. We hammered it out and worked it out. But it was not fun or even comfortable most of the time.
BTW, love your blog! I am starting the process of reading your archives and enjoying your perspective.
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One Gentleman said:
Good day again I hope your day is going well.
“If I am the person I want to believe I am, if my character is as strong as I hope, I confess my mistake and brace myself for the consequences.”
This should be the conclusion each person must come to, upon committing the act of infidelity. I know this is not the case in reality of course, but I believe it should occur. If you are able to go astray, you should be mature enough to come clean. Sadly, that is not the case.
“But if my husband were truly, genuinely regretful, if we went through counseling to determine the forces that weakened us as a couple to this point of breakdown, and if we, together, could resolve to recommit and strengthen our marriage, I would be inclined to stay together and work it out.”
This is also something I know a number of couples go through. They feel the relationship is worth saving, and will do whatever is necessary to rebuild.
I think personal ownership does come into play, even during instances of an infidelity. I know there are a number of people in complete disagreement of course, but I definitely understand where you are coming from.
Thank you for reading this piece. I am always grateful for the time others place into reading my posts, especially the lengthier ones.
I totally agree with you. All of us always have a choice. Unfortunately, some choose to make it difficult. They prefer lying to themselves and believe they have no choice at all. 😦
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One Gentleman said:
Thanks for stopping by again. We always have a choice–most definitely. Yes, the choices before you may be difficult, but you always have a choice. Some like to disagree with this assessment. LoL.
Conflicted love said:
I agree and disagree. Firstly, I feel you have no real concept about anyone in an affair. Even your example is ‘off’. Yes, there is always a choice, but that ‘choice’ is harder than you can possibly imagine and the delusions you hold and the lies you tell yourself (and believe!) cannot be understood unless you have actually been there. So many people who are cheaters attest to the fact that they never thought they would become one. Good men, amazing, upstanding men (and women) have found themselves succumbing…to act as though that choice is easy shows your naivety.
It sounds ideal to tell, but nothing after an affair is a blanket right answer. I don’t want to know if my husband has an(other) affair. So don’t tell me. There is tremendous guilt for the betrayer and often they tell to release it from themselves, under the pretence of ‘honesty’. I’m sorry, but hold the guilt in and suffer with it yourself, don’t destroy my world. If you are truly sorry, make our marriage better without inflicting that kind of pain on me. Secondly, what about abuse? Would you recommend telling someone who was likely to put you in hospital? And, sure you can tell them with a counsellor or someone else, but you still will be alone with them eventually.
Aside from having a child involved, the decision to tell in my opinion needs to be a case based on circumstance, intention and safety.
Your examples of the ‘aftermath’ are based in an ‘ideal’ world, not a realistic one.
I’m well aware my answer will be unpopular. I’ve been both sides, and these are my thoughts. Affairs destroy everyone no matter which side of the fence you are on.
One Gentleman said:
Bless you for taking the time to read this post. Thank you. I’m somewhat taken aback, that you you believe you know more about me than I do.
Let me address each of your points.
1. “Firstly, I feel you have no real concept about anyone in an affair.”
This is an emotional argument. It lacks critical thinking, but I will entertain you. You ventured to my side of the blogosphere, took the time to write a response to my post, and feel you are now equipped to know everything about my life–what I’ve done, seen and heard. This makes about this amount of sense (Blank). In other words, none.
2. “Yes, there is always a choice, but that ‘choice’ is harder than you can possibly imagine and the delusions you hold and the lies you tell yourself (and believe!) cannot be understood unless you have actually been there.”
Are you saying this as in, “The delusions that a cheater holds and the lies that a cheater tells themself and believe,” or are you referring to me, in regard to having delusions, etc?
Keep in mind, my post specifically points out, With that said, we always have a choice, and I mean always. The choices before us may appear difficult, and one choice may appear far easier to choose than the others may. However, we always have a choice in life.
I clearly pointed out the concept of choice, yet you decided to bring it up, as if I did not clearly reference the difficulty of the choices we have. Besides, you are using what I consider a “discussion-ender,” by saying I cannot comprehend unless I’ve done XYZ.
3. “Good men, amazing, upstanding men (and women) have found themselves succumbing…to act as though that choice is easy shows your naivety.”
Once again, you are back at applying your feelings on me, versus simply addressing the topic. This is about your feelings, and one cannot really argue with someone’s feelings.
I must ask…do you know what separates good people from bad people? Good people refuse to do things, which are associated with bad people. Is cheating in a committed relationship, considered a good deed or bad deed? I’ll break the suspense, but cheating in this example is a “bad” thing.
From this understanding, if you cheat, in this concept, you are a bad person. You can disagree because it makes you feel good inside, makes you erase the pain you’ve caused, etc. The reality is far simpler, and that is accountability.
You committed a bad action and no amount of sugarcoated sprinkles will change that–ever. If I murdered someone who attacked me, it does not undermine that I murdered the individual. Depending on my representation in court, I may be able to win with a self-defense angle, or I may face imprisonment.
The point is this, I took someone’s life. I cannot sugarcoat what happened. The person is dead. I must accept them. Accept what you did, and refrain from some of the tactics you are using now against a complete stranger.
4. “It sounds ideal to tell, but nothing after an affair is a blanket right answer. I don’t want to know if my husband has an(other) affair.”
Once again, reading objectively is incredibly important. I said in the post, What you will find in this post, cannot be indicative of all individuals desiring to remain in the relationship, after committing the betrayal.
I can only speak, as someone with an opinion, on what I personally feel is the next appropriate step. I am aware that my posts evoke an immediate emotional reaction. I can understand why. However, I only ask that we remain mindful that this is just One Gentleman’s opinion.
You have your opinion, and I have mine. Funny how simple that seems to me, yet, you feel you are the connoisseur of opinions. You set the rules and all must follow. Do you believe your feelings trump critical thinking?
Better yet, do you believe your feelings are more valid than mine? I specifically said this is not for everyone. That line alone, should have halted your entire second half. I am floored you still felt the need to release your emotions on this page, by trying to approach my opinion in the manner you did. Why am I replying back to you in this manner? Someone needs to give you a reality check, because you think you know more about someone than they do, where you believe your opinion trumps theirs.
5. “Secondly, what about abuse? Would you recommend telling someone who was likely to put you in hospital?”
I have a better question. Why are you with someone who abuses you, and will put you in the hospital?
6. “Your examples of the ‘aftermath’ are based in an ‘ideal’ world, not a realistic one.”
I would not label it ideal or realistic…it is simply mature. it was an example, entirely made up for the post. It’s quite interesting that is where you want to focus your energy–on a made up example. Bravo.
7. “I’m well aware my answer will be unpopular.”
It’s not unpopular because you said something that goes against the norm. Your response is simply coming from an emotional place. This is quite fine, but don’t chalk it up as anything but emotional.
This is a typical response from an emotional cheater. I was not shocked to learn towards the end, that you cheated. Your entire energy was that of someone who cheated. I didn’t act as if I knew more about you, than you know about yourself, yet, I read your emotional response like a book. Quite interesting.
8. “Affairs destroy everyone no matter which side of the fence you are on.”
I can solve one side of that fence…be mature enough not to cheat. I’m a young guy and I wouldn’t do it. But that is me. We all have different degrees of right vs wrong. For me, respect, self-control, devotion–they go a long way. I ask that you refrain from placing your shortcomings as a person onto me, by trying to say I’m appearing idealistic. I am simply normal. You need to remove yourself from the Internet and work on that, as opposed to imposing your negative energy.
From one blogger to another, engaging in dialogue is a good thing, but not in the manner you initiated your response. We must read carefully, take a step back from what we are reading, which means removing ourselves from the equation, if we want to read objectively that is. Until you have removed your emotions from the response, it is best not to provide a comment. That is my opinion
Conflicted love said:
Ha ha. I find this interesting because you were asking for opinions and you obviously don’t like my opinion of either the topic or your understanding of cheating. I never said I know more about you than you do. I do know more about cheating having lived both sides of the equation.
I am well aware I am a bad person. I never pretend what I have done is right. Nor do I pretend that my answers are right for everyone. They are just my opinions.
My comment regarding delusions was specifically saying that someone in an affair is under incredible delusions and the normal good choices they would make go out the window. It is in fact quite impossible to understand unless you have been sucked into the vortex. Looking from the outside is completely different. But I appreciate your thoughts on the topic.
I find it interesting that in parts you obviously feel as though I was attacking you personally,however that was simply not the case, rather my opinions and perspective of your words.
It actually scares me that you hold yourself so far above everyone else in regards to ever cheating. It is just so much more complicated than a good
Choice or being mature.
Thank you for your reply….. I will however remain on the internet in my world of abnormally normal. I wish you a fantastic day 🙂
One Gentleman said:
You said here, “I never said I know more about you than you do. I do know more about cheating having lived both sides of the equation.”
In your previous post you said, “Firstly, I feel you have no real concept about anyone in an affair.”
As I said, you clearly know more about me than I do. You are coming from an emotional place, and that is fine. We can talk about your feelings if you like, but what you are doing here is using an emotional reaction, and initiating your response in that manner. That is no good. Nonetheless, read the following quote a few more times, because it seems you have difficulty in this arena, if I go by your replies thus far.
“What you will find in this post, cannot be indicative of all individuals desiring to remain in the relationship, after committing the betrayal.
I can only speak, as someone with an opinion, on what I personally feel is the next appropriate step. I am aware that my posts evoke an immediate emotional reaction. I can understand why. However, I only ask that we remain mindful that this is just One Gentleman’s opinion.”
Do you really think this is about you having an opinion? LoL. Okay. Whenever someone writes, I could not care less if they agree or disagree. I only ask that you remove your emotions from the equation, if you are looking to say XYZ is wrong.
“It is in fact quite impossible to understand unless you have been sucked into the vortex.”
You, specifically say it is impossible. Do you think you are the only person on the planet that has experienced infidelity? Do you believe you own the patent on cheating, how to deal with it, how it impacts someone, etc? By your irrational response, yes, that is the conclusion you are drawing by stating impossible, as if you are aware of my experience, or those of countless people in my life. Once again, you seem to know more about me than I know about myself. Tell me, why do I enjoy motion picture scores more than I do Hip-Hop? Do I really love water, or do I enjoy seltzer water more?
“They are just my opinions.”
It is just an opinion when you discuss something, and therefore okay to make, yet when I specifically reference opinion several times in this post, it comes into question. I rather enjoy your hypocrisy. That is quite interesting how this works, but a usual byproduct from conversations like this.
“I find it interesting that in parts you obviously feel as though I was attacking you personally, however that was simply not the case, rather my opinions and perspective of your words.”
Point out exactly where I reference attack. I am not interested in your feelings, what you believe is implied, etc…point out specifically where it says attack. My response addressed specifically everything that originated with your opening sentence of “Firstly, I feel you have no real concept about anyone in an affair.” As another reminder, you seem to know more about me and my life, than I do. It is not your perspective of my words. It is your perspective of your feelings on what you read—please do not confuse the two. My words did not make you reply in the manner you did…your feelings did that.
“It actually scares me that you hold yourself so far above everyone else in regards to ever cheating.”
Here goes those feelings again. LoL. Where did I say I hold myself in higher regard? LoL. That is not me talking ma’am/sir. That is your inner voice making you experience this reaction . That has little to do with me, and more to do with you.
Your shortcomings in a relationship, have little to do with me thinking I am above everyone else, in the realm of cheating. This is why I referenced accountability. Hold yourself accountability, and do not impose how you feel about going astray onto me, as if I will follow suit. That sentence is not a personal attack on you…it is simply the reality. You cheated. That has not-a-thing-to-do-with-me. Due to my reaction on cheating, you reacted with, “you hold yourself so far above everyone else in regards to ever cheating.” This shows your frailty in the arena of commitment—not my superiority as a person. You have that somewhat confused.
“Thank you for your reply….. I will however remain on the internet in my world of abnormally normal. I wish you a fantastic day :)”
My day is always fantastic. I enjoy dialogue such as this one. Whenever someone imposes their feelings onto me, and react by saying “I feel you…” or “you think…” it makes me smile. I have a dark sense of humor at times. It shows just how interesting the concept of reading comprehension is. I know that may sound harsh, but people fail to read objectively. Instead, they bring their feelings into what they read, and interject those feelings into the material. In essence, if they are going to argue, they are arguing with a subject they created—not the writer.
I see it often online, and I see it now with your feelings. This is not pompous, arrogant or any of the nonsensical things people like to say, in order to create a “discussion-ender.” I simply notice quickly when people impose their irrational replies saying things like, “you cannot comprehend,” as if they know what a person is/does/says, more than the actual person.
“It is just so much more complicated than a good Choice or being mature.”
That is what you believe. I choose to think otherwise. Do you see how that works? I can simply disagree and move on. No need to say, “you cannot comprehend,” or “you have no idea that…” That is an emotional response.
You say that cheating in a committed relationship is more complicated than a good choice or being mature. On the other hand,I say if I am in a committed relationship with my wife, cheating is not an option—ever.
For instance, we either seek counseling, find out together what caused the separation between us or dissolve the marriage. There is no cheating. You on the other hand believe cheating is an option. That is fine for you, but not for me. You fail to grasp this thing called perspective. My perspective is neither wrong nor right—it is just a perspective, comprised of my experience and those of people I know personally. Next time, please try to address all of my points—reject cherry-picking. Either way, assess my points critically—your emotions on the matter are irrelevant here, unless you are going to say your reaction is purely based on your emotions.
Conflicted love said:
To me, it is kind of like talking about sex while still a virgin. You can have an opinion and a perspective – but how that changes once you have sex. It would not be an emotional response to tell someone they don’t understand the complexities of good sex if they have only heard and seen their friends in relationships. That isn’t emotional, it is truth.
You asked for opinions and I gave it. I could quite easily pick your answers apart, however I don’t have the time to waste, nor the desire to do so. You asked for opinions, just got a little more opinion than you bargained on. Sorry if I am not unemotional enough for you.
But dot worry, I won’t return to your blog. I MUCH prefer to be married to a ‘rough around the edges’ type of guy than a ‘gentlemen’.
One Gentleman said:
You do not have time to waste and yet, you arrived to my blog spewing your emotional replies, masked in logical fallacies. HAHAHA. I genuinely enjoy conversing with people like you. I genuinely do. You seem to misconstrue my concept of using emotion to drive an argument/discussion, and appearing unemotional. That assessment alone proves to me your ability to read with comprehension. Once again, I encounter people like you quite often. This why I already know how to engage. I enjoy it, but it serves little mental exercise. It is akin to arguing with a doorknob. Your answers will simply bounce off and come right back to you.
I am not worried one bit. Remember, you arrived to my blog with this nonsensical approach. I did not come to yours. See how that works? I wish you and your marriage well. All the best picking up the pieces after the infidelity. I am not here soothe your emotions. I will express what is the truth, even if the truth sticks you to the bone, and rubs you the wrong way. Always remember, you failed in your relationship–not me. You are passing off that energy through your response. Tough breaks.
Thank you much for reinforcing why I always express, that we should lead discussions with critical thinking, as opposed to emotions. For instance, your last segment about gentleman in quotations. LOL. I like that one, but it validates my point further.
Conflicted love said:
We obviously see the world through different lenses. Oh don’t worry you have spewed your own illogical, opinionated crap on my blog previously.
I never have said I haven’t failed in my relationship. I have never said I wasn’t wrong to have an affair. I have never pretended I am something I am not. I know just who I am and why I have done. I own my failures and have spent a long time working on them. As for your comprehension and critical thinking garbage you keep throwing out… What a croc. So much of what you say doesn’t make any sense lol
Now….. You can again pick my thoughts to pieces. I enjoy your pompous answers.
One Gentleman said:
All the best.
I had an affair said:
I have to ask: HAVE you ever cheated? If not, then please explain how you can so self-assuredly describe affairs?
Also, if not – what is the point of writing of affairs? If so, then by your own standards you are a bad person.
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One Gentleman said:
1. In a committed relationship, I have never went astray on my partners, because I believe there is always an option in relationships…difficult, but there are always options.
2. I speak on this topic because I have countless personal relationships with individuals in my life, whom have cheated. From my experiences with them, I develop the posts. I hear from cheaters and the cheatee. From that, I am able to develop a post. This post is an opinion. Were you aware of this?
You only come around, posting a comment on the infidelity topics. There are countless other posts not related to the subject. Do those not interest you? Alternatively, does your interest in the subject, show your intent is to reject my perspective on the actions of cheating?
Anything else you would like to ask on the subject, since you only engage on the topics of infidelity.
I had an affair said:
Whoah.. Relax gentleman. No need to speak down. Yes, I was aware it was an opinion. A long-winded one, but I was certainly aware it was an opinion. I, however, have never been to Africa. I have read stories about it and I know people that have been. However, I would not write my opinion on Africa having not experienced it myself.
No, they do not interest me. Would you prefer I do not “come around” at all? The second question is not worded in a way that makes sense. I will happily answer it once I understand what you are trying to ask. I will not make an assumption as to what you are trying to say though.
The last paragraph in your response – is that a question or statement?
One Gentleman said:
1. Point out in my message, where it shows I am not relaxed. I would enjoy you being able to determine the emotion behind this post. I am listening to the score for Interstellar–I cannot get more relaxed than that. You are using an emotional tactic here. Do not use them with me. In other words, when you use them, I notice them immediately and will point them out.
2. Point to the part of my post where I am speaking down to you.
Your emotions are projecting that once again. I did not. I will add a little personal info, so that this can limit further confusion. I do not consider myself superior or better than anyone. I am a humble individual. I enjoy dialogue, regardless if someone agrees or disagrees. However, do not tell me what I am saying/feeling, when my words express exactly my point of view.
I enjoy dialogue but do not begin a discussion with tactics, that have little to do with the actual conversation. Address specifically the words…not your feelings and assumptions. That sentence is not being condescending. Instead, I notice far too many people argue and converse with their emotions. If you want to address me, focus solely on the words. What you think is implied or what you think/feel is behind my words are irrelevant.
When I reference you here, I am talking about person X, addressing person Y. In other words, any
person engaging in dialogue with someone else. In short, this is not specifically addressing just you. Countless people use similar tactics while trying to convey a point. They are erroneous measures. Simply stick to the words expressed.
For instance, a long winded one.
That was unnecessary, if your goal is to focus on the points I present. However, if you have an agenda or tactic, pointing out that my post is a long winded one out will serve you well.
The second question is not worded in a way that makes sense.
This sentence of yours is another tactic. But let me first address the poor example of Africa. I am not a musician, but I can easily convey my thoughts on what I consider is a well constructed score. I am not a chef, but I can very well consume a product from Gordon Ramsay, and explain if it is good or not. I did not create a screenplay for a blockbuster film, but I can say what is a well constructed script versus a poorly constructed one. What you tried to do there was use a logical fallacy to prove a point. It was not successful, but okay.
As for second half of the post…
“You only come around, posting a comment on the infidelity topics.”
–Your comment never appears on any other post, which has no connection to infidelity.
“There are countless other posts not related to the subject.”
–I have about 60 blog posts, and once again, not once does your name appear in any of the non-related infidelity posts.
“Do those not interest you?”
–Are you simply only interested in addressing my opinion on infidelity?
“Alternatively, does your interest in the subject, show your intent is to reject my perspective on the actions of cheating?”
–Due to the process of elimination, since you only show your presence on infidelity topics, but not necessarily all of my infidelity posts, does your presence on those topics show your only goal is to object my perspective on infidelity?
“Anything else you would like to ask on the subject, since you only engage on the topics of infidelity.”
–Since you only engage in infidelity topics, due to the fact we are in an infidelity post, is there anything else you want to address since you are here? You answered that the infidelity topics are the only ones you find interesting. This connects with my point above, which is that you only arrive to speak on my opinion about cheating, which is fine.
Dialogue is fine. Emotional ones, masked in this umbrella as if you are here to refute my points, from a critical thinking point of view–not so much.
I had an affair said:
First of all, I am not emotional about this and for you, dear sir, to say I am emotional or try to name or tame my emotions to better your point is a benign effort with me and only makes you appear defensive.
Yes, you can give your opinion of music, but would you present such an opinion as if you were the one that created the music? No! So, why present your opinion as if you have full knowledge of an affair?
I try to get through most of your posts, but care to only comment on the infidelity ones because that is all that interests me about you. I don’t see why you take issue with this fact.
As far as relaxing your pentameter in your delivery seemed very excited, anxious and in haste. I can point out specifics if you really need me to, but that is another benign, pointless thing to do as you would only respond verbosely (fact, not opinion) in rebuttal to the comment.
One Gentleman said:
You are doing it again…the emotional thing I mentioned before. I have to say this so that you will not make the argument again. I do not care to “Tame” something. I am simply suggesting your entire point is coming from an emotional point, yet you are trying to mask it as if you are using critical thinking to address my points. What do I mean? How you feel/think my words mean, are completely irrelevant to me. Please understand that. I only care what my words actually say.
Do not misconstrue my assessment on “emotion,” “feelings” or “emotional,” with me believing you cannot/should not have emotions. On the contrary, of course you can. However, do not allow them to drive the argument. Use critical thinking to address XYZ–not emotions to address XYZ.
You miss the point. I do not care if you read one post or all. I was pointing out you only arrive on infidelity topics, and only write a comment on an infidelity post. So I asked, is this because your purpose is to oppose my opinion. I specifically pointed that out. I can find the line again if you think I am fabricating. I am sure you know I am not. That is why my post are “long winded.” I make sure to address each point someone presents, if need be.
Find the part of my post and dig really deep, where it says, “I cheated and therefore this is what I did and you should as well.” You know what? You will not find that. Interesting. Why is that? Because that is not the purpose of my posts, when I address infidelity. Why is that? Because the perspective is coming from one person’s opinion, along with the collection of others. Just because they do not align with yours is irrelevant.
Once again, you are using a logical fallacy, with this Africa/music concept. I can write an entire post on why “The End” by Hans Zimmer was perfectly composed, even though I did not create the piece. How is that? I have ears, eyes and fingers. I could recreate through my perspective. It will not be his, but it will be mine, through my perspective. Do you see how that works?
I will repeat, your emotions and feelings are irrelevant to me. “Delivery seemed.” The keyword you have here is “seemed.” That is your feelings talking again. I will repeat again–your-emotions-and-feelings-are-irrelevant-to-me. I genuinely hope that was clear. If not, please, I can clarify at a later point. However, it cannot be anytime soon.
Do not worry about my reaction, because it “only makes you appear defensive.” I encounter people with your style of conversing quite often. I am a young guy, but I speak with elders quite often, which helps me spot this style quickly.
“to better your point.” My point works by addressing your points. I do not need tactics. I do not need to make my point better. I simply read and assess your points, piece by piece. That is the only way to converse, when it involves discussions like this. I am not here to be right, I am simply addressing your points, since you decided to venture to my blog. I say that,because itis another tactic people use in discussions like this–stating that the other person simply wants to be “right.”
Since the way you like to engage is not to all address points, but cherry-pick, how about we end this discussion? That would be best, no? As I mentioned before, I like to converse with people who start conversations like yours, but only when I see it going someplace. You are using tactics and making excuses about word count, when the word count is to address your points without leaving room for interpretation. However, I see it still leaves room, regardless how I dissect sentence-by-sentence. So let us end here. Makes sense?