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Advice, Couples, Dating, Love, Marriage, Men, OneGentlemansPerspective, Opinion, Personal, Relationships, Romance, Society, Thoughts, Women
My relationship is still in its infancy. In comparison, my wife’s grandmother or lola, if we go by her language, celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary. Sadly, my wife’s grandfather, known in her language as lolo, passed away shortly after the anniversary celebration.
However, people still consider my relationship different, due to our young age and the perceptions they generally have for younger couples, and of course the interracial status.
According to the people I encounter, whenever I answer questions about my wife, my face lights up. It does not occur with intent, because it is a natural occurrence.
Whenever you ask questions about her, a ray of positive energy rises to the surface and escapes through my facial reaction.
I am genuinely in love, and blessed to have her as my best friend. She is truly my everything.
The initial post started as something else entirely, but after two paragraphs, this concept took on a life of its own. Initially, I was looking to answer, Is it Possible for a Man to Remain Faithful.
However, the tone evolved into the post you are reading now. At some point in the future, I will address the initial question.
Throughout the years, people often bring up various questions regarding my relationship. Some include…
Why aren’t there more guys like you?
Why could you not find yourself a Black woman?
How could you remain faithful, because I don’t believe you haven’t cheated?
I will begin a series addressing some of the most asked questions, because an individual who shares their perspective on romantic relationships, should not hide away from discussing questions involving their own.
Some questions may receive a longer response, in comparison to others. For instance, when it involves interracial relationships, I have enough content to write a book. LoL. In all seriousness…I do.
Today, my first post will address one question, which I believe all women seem to ask after having a discussion with me about relationships. Well, I would not say all, but the percentage is at least 80 percent.
Please keep in mind that this is not a post to fuel my ego, appearing superior to others, etc. Whenever you ask someone to describe two things about my personality, you will usually hear…
He’s such a humble individual
He can be very quiet at times
I honestly do not need to be the center of attention, so unless necessary, I prefer to listen. I am far too humble to consider myself better. I say this because miscommunication is rampant, and I want to make it clear what this post is about, and of course what the post is not.
But I digress.
Why aren’t there more guys like me?
I think there are countless guys with my perspective on respecting, honoring, appreciating and loving their partners. You may then ask…
Where are they?
I think you will find a majority in existing relationships. I think another portion encounters the wrong types of women. These women continue undermining the great, which these men can do. I also think there are instances where women will overlook these men, because they may not fit their exact checklist.
Oh, he’s Black, I don’t like Black guys.
Oh, he’s White. I’m not really into White guys.
Oh, he is 5’4. I don’t like short guys.
Oh, he is 6’2. I don’t find tall guys attractive.
Apart from eligible guys, you then encounter the unsuitable ones. Interestingly, these unsuitable guys arrive, because they are attracted to the energy you are putting out.
You cannot emit energy, attract its reciprocal energy and then become upset with your catch of the day. Always keep in mind that your energy initiated the process. In other words, something you shared seems to attract these types of men.
With these unsuitable guys, the origin of their behavior does not occur out of thin ear. Boys learn how to treat the opposite sex, by observing the treatment of the opposite sex during their childhood.
If the observation is of a negative nature, it is unlikely that he will magically change this perspective and treat females opposite of this learned behavior. In his mind, it is the norm.
I did not say it is impossible for people with destructive childhoods, to change their perspective over time. Instead, I believe the change is unlikely.
I believe that humanity as a whole, experiences some form of conditioning during their lifetime. As a boy, if he constantly views males treating females without respect in his household, he will follow suit.
If he views females romantically engaging with multiple men during his childhood, the likelihood is that he will associate this with standard behavior. Therefore, he will have little concern for commitment.
With him, he is unable to understand the importance of relationship commitment, because during his childhood, he did not observe commitment of any kind.
Regardless what you do, say and regardless how much you believe you are deserving of great treatment from a partner, the conditioning that you find in the behavior of unsuitable guys, arrive from the patterns of behavior he observed throughout his childhood.
Thankfully, this is where mentors come into play. Though he experienced poor parental lessons growing up, a mentor has the ability to reshape the perspective.
Boys need mentors, because in reality sometimes, a mentor is the key that interrupts a boy heading nowhere fast, and positions him onto a more productive trajectory.
When boys do not encounter positive male role models, this becomes one of the factors why you meet a number of guys, opposite to my perspective on relationships.
When he surrounds himself with others possessing a similar train of thought, it reinforces that bad behavior is simply standard behavior.
Think of it this way, girls raised on a farm will grow up handling animals on a daily basis. They know how a cow goes from birth, slaughter and then to the table. This is the norm.
When you place her into a conversation with other farm girls, they could talk for hours due to their upbringing.
As an outsider, you would face an uphill battle trying to tell these girls, that milking a cow is wrong or bad behavior. The milking of cows is typical behavior, for someone raised on a farm.
With young boys raised under the impression that destructive romantic behavior, between a man and a woman is routine behavior, he will have a difficult time…
Believing that striking his girlfriend in the face, is not justifiable if he is angry
Believing that cheating, is not grounds for you to end the relationship.
If we want more guys with my perspective on dating, women must stop entertaining all males absent of this perspective. If you engage with these guys, you reinforce that their train of thought is acceptable. People only do what we allow.
If you want more guys with my perspective on dating, you should consider rejecting unsuitable mates, and align yourselves with guys possessing the traits of a gentleman.
I often notice that the worst types of guys, usually have partners by their sides. However, at the same time, she is complaining how horrible of a person he is.
I believe females in general, set the guidelines on relationships. I cannot speak for countries where females are viewed as cattle, thus the reason I used general. Many will disagree, but here is the reality…you can help bring change to the dating environment.
If women stopped having sex with losers, losers would mature into winners. If being a loser will no longer attract girls, boys would adjust their behavior to appear more akin to winners, in order to attract girls.
If women said, You must respect me before you ever experience me physically, you would see a shift in the way males treated females.
Instead of verbally communicating that there is a shortage of good guys, women should set a female code all throughout the world, where no one engages with unsuitable guys. I am sure you would see a change in the behavior of males.
You cannot change the upbringing of a boy, whose relationship etiquette was ruined by his guardians. However, you can change the types of guys you allow into your hearts, you minds and your bodies.
Why aren’t there more guys like me?
There are multiple layers to the answer, but people only do what we allow. That is the reality. It is a harsh reality perhaps. However, ask yourself if the harsh reality, will better serve your relationships going forward or not.
This is what I think. I am more interested in hearing your perspective.
Do you think we play a role in the people we attract? Do you think women have more control in changing the way men behave, in the dating arena than they let on?
Do you think his childhood plays an important role, in the development of his future relationships with women?
One Gentleman's Perspective 
This was a great post. I had never considered the idea of what I energy I was putting out and how that was impacting the guys attracted to me. It has changed how I view things a little bit so thanks for that it was much needed!
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Thanks for checking out another of my long posts. Many like to neglect or believe energy is not real. However, science proves this to be an incorrect assessment. Your energy is quite important, and to understand the concept will change your perspective immensely. I actually started a draft months ago regarding reciprocity and relationships, but I simply left it alone. I may review it again and upload. It’s always a pleasure sharing.
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In each of your posts I read the decisive tone that elevates personal responsibility above all else for our choices and the consequences within each of our own lives.
As an observer and confidant of many women between ages 20 and 60 who are dating and seeking a committed relationship, I most definitely believe there is a strong correlation in those we attract. That said, it’s not so simple as to suggest that if you want to attract a man who likes redheads break out the hair dye. The way one goes about meeting other single people has changed dramatically in the last 20 years, and the expansion of online dating complicates an already challeging project. So many of my friends base their initial attraction the position of hairline, shape of ass, thickness of wallet, prestige of career … you get the idea. What about his character, his values? Is he kind? Does he have a positive outlook? How does he treat the waiter or the bartender when things are not quite right? If he is a father what type of father?
My standard counsel is that if you do not want to be seen as a walking receptacle for body fluids, a potential meal ticket, or even a future punching bag then perhaps rethink the standards in evaluating a potential dating prospect. Reject out of hand anyone who does not treat you with common courtesty and respect and has an interest in getting to know you as a person.
That said, I also see and hear the “too picky” label populating many discussions. Yes, I think one can be too picky. If a man must be this tall, at least this handsome, and treat you and only you this fabulously immediatelyl out of the box … well it eliminates a lot of really terrific, but anonymously average-looking guys from the competition.
I am not a physically beautifully woman, so I speak from the anonymously average-looking perspective that says figure out what you value most, what primary qualities are you seeking in a mate, and then keep an open mind. My standards when seeking my husband were about character and values, intelligence, humor, compassion. But yes, I did reject men to whom I was not physically attracted, and then primarily because the character and personality factors were not strong enough to overcome the lack of immediate physical attraction. I suspect the same might be true of my rejection by men after a couple of dates … either that or they figured I was not the easy mark they thought upon first analysis. I am philosophical about it; everyone should be realistic in their pursuits of a mate and decide what matters most. That said, I admit there were a few bad boys that I would never date much less consider romantic partnership material, but I did genuinely enjoy their company and the dating advice they shared with me.
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Good day. I hope you are well. I often notice online, this idea of not taking ownership. I refuse to believe this concept, because it is destructive. It is a fairytale to place blame on all others, undermining the role you can play.
We are the managers and presidents of our lives. The buck stops with us. People can try to refute this, but the reality is that we have more control on how we act in an environment, than we like to accept.
By not accepting this, it allows us to always say, “this happened because of…” In other words, it makes excuses easy to bring up. However, when you do accept that you are able to control how you act within an environment, well, that strips you of this victim role.
People simply prefer the victim role. I refuse to see this and not point it out. I know the signs, because I used to be a resident of “Victimhood.”
I once based ideal mates on superficial things, but when you are in a relationship, you eventually notice the “basic” things about a partner make them sexy, ideal, etc. I’m happy to say I altered my train of thought during college. If I didn’t go through this process, things would be vastly different today.
Most of the dating challenges people face in this digital age is internal. However, people will rarely admit this. Once again, this comes back to taking ownership. If people would accept the reality of taking ownership, their dating lives will change.
I am a product of this digital age, which makes meeting online “easy” for me. However, I understand different generations with different views will not see it how I do.
I also know the generation behind me (teenagers) are even more connected to the digital age. They are so connected, they are not able to converse “normally” offline, because they are still viewing the world as 140 characters, etc. Their interpersonal skills are horrendous. Lol. I witnessed this behavior in several of my courses, where we had to work as teammates.
Females from my generation and younger, are in dire need of lessons on etiquette from those from my mum’s generation and grandmother’s generation.
“My standard counsel is that if you do not want to be seen as a walking receptacle for body fluids, a potential meal ticket, or even a future punching bag then perhaps rethink the standards in evaluating a potential dating prospect.”
This is the lesson I mean. Today, they cry foul that guys do not respect them. However, the same guys not respecting them, have no issues having sex. Lol. How does that work? These guys should be rejected by females in general. Sadly, they are not rejected. If they allow these guys to still gain female interest, he has no incentive to change.
Until we take ownership, we will always remain victims.
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Really need that “LOVE!” button for replies and posts like this.
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I agree with Janelle. When I was growing up my parents made sure that I adhered to their moral standard. They insisted that I had respect for myself and that I should expect to be respected by any prospective boyfriend. Interestingly my future husband’s friends always treated me differently to the other girls in our social circle. I found it quite endearing that they never used bad language in front of me!
I was sixteen when we met and I knew he was the one. Nevertheless we did not have a sexual relationship before we married. He respected my wishes and I loved him more for doing so. Even now I find that men apologise to me for using bad language. I respect that. I can remember my mother telling me that men like to go out with ‘easy’ girls but they would never take them home to meet their mother. She was right!
As usual I find your post thought provoking and of course very interesting x
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Your parents must be incredibly proud of you!
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@TryingToTrust
Thanks for checking out another post. It’s always great to see others engaging in the comment section. The perspective you both share, is what I see missing in a number of people I encounter.
“When I was growing up my parents made sure that I adhered to their moral standard. They insisted that I had respect for myself and that I should expect to be respected by any prospective boyfriend.”
Today, you have children raising children, which means in this environment, they’re both learning on the fly. The parent doesn’t understand what they are doing, and the child is learning from someone, unaware what they are doing. When you search the Web, you encounter these people (Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, etc).
People love to disagree with my assessment on “if you act this way, you are likely to receive this treatment.” However, they do not provide points to disprove me, they simply say, “It should not happen.” Haha. What you said below is exactly why I believe one’s behavior plays an important role.
“Interestingly my future husband’s friends always treated me differently to the other girls in our social circle. I found it quite endearing that they never used bad language in front of me!”
This is how guys work. I do not understand why some refuse to understand. Lol. When she respects herself, she will receive respect. When she acts the opposite, well, guys will treat her exactly in that manner.
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